Happy New Years

Well homies, 2004 is going to be hitting the dusty trail. Though I gladly embrace this past year with open arms, can I say...let's get the fuck on with it already. 2005, rock my socks. I'm ready.

So why not get all sentimental? I love you guys. I love my friends, my family, hell, there is even a special place in my heart for the readers I only know through the Inter-ma-net. You are truly Atlas holding up my world.

Thanx for an interesting year. I raise my glass to you all!

And now a New Year's meme. Thanx to Electric Bugaloo & Tenth Muse.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Went to another country, even if it was but briefly.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did read more than 10 books, but I gained 10 lbs. instead of lost it, so I think it cancels itself out. Sure, I'll make a few more. Including less TV watching, and travel to another country this year again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES!, actually several! Welcome, Stella and Kya as well! (God, am I forgetting someone?)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, for once. I think we had our fill in 2001.

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More self confidence and a butt without hail damage.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally going to therapy, for one.

8. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing more than a cold here and there, except when I decided to fall down the stairs yesterday. Ouch.

9. What was the best thing you bought?
My G5 Mac & Cinema Display. Eeeeee...I still love it.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Quite a lot actually, but I have 2 very tough girlfriends who amaze me daily with their strength.

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
George W. Bush and the religious right.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Coffee and in the early part of 2004, booze.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Our Southwestern vacation.

14. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Let's just say more capable to make myself feel either of those.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter.
c) richer or poorer? Richer.

15. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise.

16. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about my weight & watching TV.

17. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it with family.

18. What was your favorite TV program?
Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Significant Others, SeaLab 2021, The Office...I can't name just one.

19. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Gosh...no, I don't think so. I don't think I hate anyone, well except Jerry Fawell.

20. What was the best book you read?
I'd say "The Occult" by Colin Wilson, got my brain a-workin'.

21. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Again too many to narrow down: Interpol, The Faint, Ryan Adams & Scissor Sisters.

22. What did you want and get?
Pink trench coat and Kitchen Aid mixer.

23. What did you want and not get?
Certain items from this website. Namely things of the "Rabbit" variety.

24. What was your favorite film of this year?
Too many to narrow down. Garden State, Dawn of the Dead, Farenheit 9/11 come to mind.

25. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
26, a week of adventures. You can read about them here. My pals ROCK!

26. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
To have started therapy sooner.

27. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Target-chic.

28. What kept you sane?
GWO, baby.

29. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Unfortunately, there is a reason the pink "Entertainment" questions are the ones I get right in Trivial Pursuit. I am a celebrity news junkie.

30. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Election 2004, for sure.

31. Who did you miss?
My mother-in-law and I found myself thinking of my grandparents as well.

32. Who was the best new person you met?
Darren.

33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Don't compromise what is important to you in order to make someone else happy.

34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one."

Happy Drinking Till You Puke!

April 1

I will not be able to be reached on April 1, 2005.

Not in my backyard

Did you react the same way as when 9/11 happened?

I didn't either. God, what is wrong with our country?

Saddest Music in the World

If you'd like to further your spiraling out of control depression or long for a rainy day and a good book, pick up the Garden State Soundtrack.

It's been on repeat....all....freaking....day.

Observation

A friend of mine pointed out to me last night the following:

Amount of aid sent to Tsunami victims for relief: $15 million
Amount of $ going to be spent on Bush's inauguration party: $40 million

Don't you think Bush could have totally redeemed himself by making a public statement and giving money to the relief fund. Or hell, how about we not through a big party for the richies of the US during wartime or recession?

I mean, wouldn't that be the Christian thing to do?

Garden State, need I say more

Before I go any further, might I mention GARDEN STATE fucking rocks! Go rent this, please. When you pick up Napoleon Dynamite, get this as a follow up. Oh, and I want to have Zach Braff's babies. Thanks.

Moving on. I've included a few pics from the holiday festivities. For starters, I got to feed my severe baby holding addiction by playing with my cousin's baby, Kya the cutie. On Christmas morning we got up early at my dad's and opened gifts. Here's one of my pop being totally enthralled with his Star Trek box set. Yea, we're cool kids.

Later that evening we went to my mom's to visit the family and their new puppy. My sister and theMan love to get each other random bizarre gifts. Hers to him? Christmas socks and individually wrapped packs of gum, plus a seriously weird picture taped to a hand. His to her? A bag of kitty litter with books and such buried in the litter. Plus a photoshopped picture of Jude Law with his arm around my sister. How sweet.

My loot was beyond awesome this Christmas. One of the coolest gifts? My sister and I got new coats, however, mine was PINK! YAY! Hard to follow a night of gifts like a new MIXER 3000 SUPER BEAST and a pink coat, but Trivial Pursuit 90's Edition till dawn does the trick.

The next morning I got up and made breakfast and my mom went and got my girl. Good laughs and good family times. And another round of pictures of my sister where she is unable to keep her eyes open in any pictures.

Ho ho ho.

Ph-a-tooey

Dang it. I had to cancel fun-tastic plans for New Years because we're broke from vacation (darn strippers) and still really really sick. Like constantly hacking, no energy, sneezing, blah sick. So sick in fact, we've taken to sleeping from pretty much 7 p.m. until the next morning all week when we barely drag our carcasses out of bed for work. Alas, yet another blah New Years and I'm missing the lovely Aimee's Rib-eye perfection too. Damn it.

So it's been non-stop movie watching when we're not sleeping, because what else is there to do when you're sick at home? Expect TONS of movie reviews.

So far I've consumed: Mevin Goes to Dinner, Chocolat, Napoleon Dynomite, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Vol. 1, 2 and part of 3, and various Star Trek episodes from the box set we bought my dad for Christmas. Let's go through them, shall we:

1.) Melvin Goes to Dinner: I was attracted because it's directed by one of the guys from Mr. Show fame. However, very slow starting. In fact, several times I almost gave up. But between runs for OJ and Kleenex, I stuck it out and the ending was satisfactory enough. Although I don't think I recommend it to anyone other than those who like watching people have conversations. Let's just say "It's okay" but remember, I can stand watching "The Big Chill" over and over and over and over.

2.) Chocolat: Fucking fabulous. My god....chocolate, tales of an independent spirit turning a town upside down and Johnny Depp with an Irish accent. Fuck me, I found a favorite!

3.) Napoleon Dynamite: We watched this 3 times at my dad's house over Christmas. And I already want to rent it again to watch it more and memorize the "dance" scene. GO GET IT, GOSH!

4.) Aqua Teen Hunger Force Box Sets: One of my new favorite cartoons for adults. I'm addicted. I need help. I'd say Volume 3 is my favorite so far. You know how some shows take a few seaons to get a groove? This one takes about 2 episodes.

5.) I won't tell you anything about Star Trek, because as much as I was subjected to it when I was young, I can't remember alot. I only know that "Shore Leave" is my new favorite episode of Season One. From the back cover: A White Rabbit, Don Juan and a Samurai Warrior? These strange sights await Kirk and the crew when they beam down for shore leave on a mysterious planet. Smoke some pot and have a look.

More to come, at least as long as this freaking cold hangs on. Ahhhh-chooo.

Phelgm

Oh and did I mention that you have to leave work immediately to go rent, or hell BUY, Napoleon Dynomite?

It's freakin' awesome. GOD!

Hack, hack, cough.

Quick one

I'm still sick, desparately groggy, hacking up green stuff, voice muffled into a stuffy nose 8-year old voice sick.

But Christmas was great this year! I scheduled plenty of time with all families, and I guess by telling everyone we weren't exchanging gifts that meant we're poor and should be spoiled. Yipes, it's almost embarrassing the amount of loot we got. Mucho-thanks to the family/friends that do read this blog! Expect handmade little thank you cards to reach your mailboxes immediately.

Another highlight, Lemoney Snickett! Holy crap, it was a work of art. Shoot, more on that in a minute. Back to work.

Some more pics

We're now home safely. Back in freezing cold, mean Chicago and still sick as dogs. No daily pics until Sunday sadly, as we're leaving again for family time back in our home town. But please continue to enjoy the Festive Penis Tree!

Threw up a couple pics from the scary freaking tram ride up Sandia Peak. I'm not in a lot of them because I'm trying to act brave behind my camera. I am TOTALLY afraid of heights. Egads.

And even though the zombie movie is on hiatus, Joe L. sent me a couple from our Labor Day shoot. Mosty of me, but here ya go: Zombie Bride Lives!

Cough, cough, hack, cough. Time for bed.

Naughty or Nice?

Our last day in Alba-ma-quer-key was a great end to a fabulous trip. Started the day with a tram ride up a 10,000 foot mountain top. Had a bloody mary overlooking the edge and nearly lost my cookies every time I got remotely close to the side of the mountains.

Mid-day we went to Old Town but since it was so cold and we weren't in the mood to shop, we didn't stay too long. So we hit up the hotel for hot tubbing and relaxing.

And finally, and I honestly cannot believe I'm writingg this but here goes...we went to TD's Show Club for some seriously hot stripper action. Most of the girls in there were down right gorgeous. I'm not kidding. I was expecting dank crack ho's, but these women were beautiful. Even the club was nice and the staff sorta made you feel taken care of. I've never been to a strip club before, and neither had theMan but I certainly plan on visiting them more often while traveling.

We had our eye on this absolutely stunning waitress who had an ass that wouldn't quit, but she wasn't a dancer so theMan paid for me to get a lapdance from this EXTREMELY hot Asian woman. And my god, I don't necessarily go the way of the vagina, but she had the softest skin I have ever felt. And her rubbing her tan boobies on my crotch and face while licking my chest, wasn't a bad way to end the evening. Not to mention looking over and seeing theMan gazing upon us. Hee hee. I think I'm on Santa's naughty list.

There are more pics in the album, but sadly none of the strip club. Go here.

So now, we sit in the airport for the next 2 hours and await our chariot back to Chi-town. Where it's 5 degrees and cold as hell. Ho ho ho.

Hola, mi amigos!

Reporting for duty from a hotel in Alba-ma-ker-key, New Mexico. My god, where to start. First of all, it's absolutely breathtaking here. I can't tell you the number of times we've driven in the mountains in complete silence just taking it all in. And did I mention that even the Wendy's offer green chile cheeseburgers. So um, I'm not coming back.

I've updated a few photos in a new album here. I'll explain the pics a little more in detail when I return.

Highlights: Walking across the mexican border with my aunt and hearing her deal with the local vendors. Driving through Lincoln National Forest over mountains at 8,000 feet. Pulling off on side roads to see deer and pee and be surrounded in silence. Standing on a flatbed train car while it pulls me through the desert landscape. Drinking Pina Coladas with tequila surrounded by my friends and family.

I could go on, but it's breakfast time!
Smooches-Kitten

Wish You Were Here

We're off tomorrow for our jaunt in the desert. So no daily pic updates for while. But don't you worry my pretties....I will have so many picture slideshows set to sappy music when I return, you'll puke sand.

Here's some tunes I'll be listening too on the road that I thought I'd share:
(Right click and Save As please)
Dear Chicago
99 Problems
And yes, this is purchased music I'm sharing with you. :)

Have fun on all your holiday jaunts!

Misses and kisses-Kitten

Dr. Happiness in the Hiz-ouse

This morning I got my weekly pre-therapy appointment peppermint mocha and sat at the table because I was early and wanted to watch the people walk by. What do I do? My face starts leaking. Just tears streaming down my face, no big heaving sobs, just tears I couldn’t wipe away fast enough. Yep, it’s been that sort of week. If only I could blame it on the sappy version of “Silent Night” playing over the loud speaker.

Since Saturday I think I’ve felt that familiar quarterly black cloud roll up on me. Here’s a colorful little metaphor for you not bagging your groceries at Crazy Land Food & Pantry: You’re walking in a big open field looking down at the ground. All of the sudden a storm brews up behind you. Sure you might notice the wind starting to turn cold or the light growing dark but you aren’t prepared when it starts pouring and there is nowhere for miles to take shelter. That’s my head space.

I know exactly what I should be doing, what I’ve been doing the past month to feel better and take more control. I know how great I felt the last couple weeks. However, there’s a big difference between knowing how and actually having the energy to want to do something. I’m consumed with a sense of overwhelming hopelessness and it usually comes in a big wave every couple of months. I thought I was going crazy and Dr. Happiness confirmed that I am not. I told her my fears of being on medication because my family loves to talk about their “nerve pills.” To which she said there is a difference in her opinion to going to your family doctor and complaining of sleeplessness to get Xanax and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and being on a carefully monitored program with a mixture of medication and consultation.

She also said I need to make the clarification in myself between what I consider a crutch for myself and what is actually taking care of my needs. I guess I don’t know the difference just yet. It’s amazing how much self worth I’m finding I don’t have.

There were also some ephanys had about how I get into relationships and my role in them. My desire to be a direct contrast to how my family is but it’s the other end of the spectrum and not exactly healthy either. Although she stresses that my ability to see problems and not be in denial about anything is a very strong asset to me. I just have to work on the solutions.

I also realized I’m going to be very selfish for awhile. I want to figure out my head before I start evaluating relationships with family, friends, even my husband.

I don’t want to feel like this on vacation tomorrow and next week and I won’t. After my appointment I had a couple more crys at my desk and have since started to feel it break up a little in me. It’s funny how my body says “Kitten, you better kill that ego before you start getting big in your britches.” Since I was going to space my appointments out more since I felt “better” but I think I’ll wait awhile. I feel more sane than ever during that hour every Thursday.

I know I don’t need to say this, but I will anyways. I suppose I feel weird getting personal on here instead of trying to be funny or entertaining. Here’s the thing: I realize my life could be worse and I have people that love me and opportunities that some don’t. However, as grateful as I usually am, this is my reality and I’m starting to realize I gotta handle this shit. And this blog is where I just dump it all out because I would rather the friends I have read it than have me try to tell them to their face and I hope it can maybe somehow help someone else too. Okay.....no more explaining myself after a therapy post.

Ever feel like you want a big sigh to be enough?

My god, the cheeks

I won't steal the thunder of Jennifer's upcoming post showing off her little darling, however, I feel I must warn you. Especially the ladies in the house.

When you see pictures of this child and feel the sheer magnitude of cuteness her chubby-chubby-chubby cheeks produce, you might just start instantly ovulating.

My god, she's adorable.

You are making everyone uncomfortable

With all the pictures in this post, you are going to totally forgive me for being depressed in that last post and even not updating my daily picture! Just you wait!

So Friday was the big company Christmas party which I have already told you about. The only thing I forgot to mention was some ex-secretary's telling me about "Wine Time" on Fridays when the boss would be shitfaced so they'd make wine runs and get drunk at the office every single Friday! Man, I missed the good crew.

Anyhoo, Saturday we went down home for my cousin-in-law's 30th birthday party. As a bonus we got to see my sister and mom, as well as, hang out in the quiet country a bit. While at my mom's, we stayed up until about 2 a.m. playing Trivial Pursuit 90's Edition. FINALLY! A Trivial Pursuit I can totally whoop ass in, which I proceeded to do.

My win was only made sweeter by making my mom laugh so hard she'd fart and watching theMan try to play the game with his fart-protective filter on.

And to finish, here are some pictures from the film shoot last night. If you click the following you can see: Lance getting into character, and even the lovely Jen K. putting the film smack down on a surreal painting scene. And if you're good, I might show you one scene that took a lot longer to set up than you might think, but turned out incredibly worth it.

Today's daily pic is of a semi truck that got stuck under the "L" train. Titled courtesy of theMan.

Oh, and I must tell you the title of this post was uttered by me when we drove past the cemetery where theMan's mother is buried and he waved in that direction and announced, "Since we're out this way, we might as well stop and say HI to mom. I'm sure she's probably still up." Warped I tell you, but good for a laugh.

Bad blogger

I haven't updated my daily pic again. Crap. I think it's a little indicative of my mood the past few days. Sure, I haven't been home much but lately I feel sorta drained, tired and maybe even distant. Lately I've only been really caring about my friends and how they are doing and that's about it. Not so much about myself. Not that I'm some martyr for my friends. Dang, that doesn't sound right. Hmmm, it's hard to explain in words, but let's just say I can feel myself not putting very much effort this past week in my appearance, health or otherwise. Gotta love my stupid brain chemicals.

If therapy was religion, I'd say I was backsliding. Crap. Well, thankfully I have another appointment on Thursday and vacation starts Friday. And I haven't resorted too much to my favorite vices of over-eating, shopping or drinking! Baby steps.

However, despite my depressing ramblings...I must tell you about my night. I helped my pal, Jen K. on her film from 6 p.m. until about 1 a.m. and it was incredible. I took pictures so I will try to post tonight. Her ideas amaze me and the amount of trust she puts in me is strangly comforting. I know she feels like she owes me for helping, but she's paying me by letting me help. I can't wait till you guys see the finished project. Hmm, methinks I oughta get her some screenings. Anyone know anywhere she could show it?

Another note, I got more news from my pal Jennifer and baby. Things are going well! I want to see them so bad I can taste it. Oh well, thank Allah for the internet and phones!

Okay, pictures and humorous antedotes tonight, I promise because I. AM. GOING. TO. CHEER. THE. FUCK. UP.

Lovely

After numerous update calls all day, around 5:15 their time, I found out that Jennifer, Eric and baby Grace are fine, healthy and I even hear, Jen's a trooper in the labor department. I also hear Grace has the chubbiest little cheeks.

Awww...what a relief they are fine. I can't wait to see you guys!

CRAP!

SHE'S IN LABOR! Just had to get that out there. Jennifer is now at the hospital giving birth. Anybody wanna join me on a drive to Columbus?

Side note: We ended up staying in Indiana last night so I have many pictures and stories to tell. Mostly of family drunkenness, new 30 year olds, and mom tooting everytime we made her laugh.

But here I give you my Friday night, as to not overwhelm you. First, don't ever leave a pissed off secretary alone while everyone else is at the party.

You might get a funny surprise when you turn on the copier on Monday.

Secondly, don't get a little tipsy and go to your pal's house and play with their marmot. It will pee on your dress.


All in all, the company party was fine. We got a nice bonus, no one got shitfaced and we laughed with a few co-workers. My boss's speech went something along the lines of: "There is one god, he loves us all, and fuck all the rest of them!" So yea, no big whoop.

Anyways, have I mentioned? SHE'S HAVING THE BABY!??!?!?!

Hot Momma

One of my psuedo-sisters is getting ready to give birth to her first child, a daugther. She's been gracious enough to give me up to the minute details since the first second the 2 lines showed up on the pregnancy test just to feed my curiousity. But it's more than that really. I want to tell you about her a little because she is going to be a flipping great mother.

She's shown me incredible strength when I don't think I could have gone through what she did. She's also a person that sticks to her beliefs and morals and cannot be shaken. She makes careful, well thought out decisions and makes them happen. She loves her friends and family and can whip out a thoughtful, well-written email to calm any situation. I feel the government should employ her to smooth foreign relations all through her email account. I truly believe we came into each other's lives at exactly the right moment, for which I am so grateful.

Basically I love this girl. She's very important to me and I wanted to publically thank her for being a great person and friend. To wish her luck, even though she doesn't need it, because she's about to pop out the newest addition to GWO any day and I cannot wait.

Star-sucks Coffee

Sitting here not enjoying my Peppermint Mocha because it tastes like water and shit with a touch of peppermint patty after taste. Aw well, thus the end of my spending spree at Starbucks.

I also realized that I haven't updated my daily pic. My apologies! If there is some sort of blogger penalty box I will gladly sit in it. I will be taking my camera tonight to the x-mas party so I'll try to get some good ones for you of drunk co-workers and my new high-high-high heels.

I hope hope hope that a new tradition is starting in my marriage. You see, last night we went on a "date" to see The Incredibles. Awesome movie!!! The animation was outstanding and the humor wasn't necessarily kiddy. Definitely recommend it. It was sorta impromptu so there wasn't a lot of plans, and I had to leave after the movie, but I'd like to start doing that at least weekly. We didn't do that much in our official courtship, so better late than never. Heh.

After that I went over to help Jen K. build her sets for an upcoming film shoot on Monday. I love working with her. We cut the bullshit and get right to work, and I thoroughly enjoy building sets. It gets me all creative and knee deep in manual labor. Almost more than filming actual scenes, really. We worked on that until about 11:00 p.m. and ended up sitting in her car talking until about 1:30 a.m. Good soul searching, problem dumping, truth telling talks.....aww, refreshing.

And tonight the big office christmas party and tomorrow heading down to Indiana to meet up with my mom and sister. It's amazing, but the day I have therapy always seems to be the day some sort of bullshit happens that applies to what I learned. For instance, my mom calls both our cell phones last night during the movie pulling some guilt trip bullshit. Awww...in with the good air out with the drama. ;)

Therapy-Session 4

Um, I realize I'm getting very personal with my blog posts about therapy. Now, I don't tell you guys everything I talk to my doctor about, hell I don't tell anyone everything I talk to her about, but I do give you a pretty personal summary. It freaks me out on some levels, but then again it's a way for me to get it on paper, so to speak. I'm curious to know if you guys are put off by it. I don't know that I will censor myself, but I'm curious. Email or comment, I'd like your opinions.

So on to Session 4. It's a long one...

Today we talked about my family. There’s a topic that will surely keep me in therapy for another year. Mostly because it’s going to be mega-holiday family time and secondly, due to my sister wanting to talk my mom out of getting married. Something I didn’t realize I was opposed too until I started talking to Dr. Happiness about it. In a nutshell, I feel great lately about where I am emotionally with my marriage and I want the same control and freedom in dealing with my crazy ass family.

She gave me some interesting ways of handling situations, family or not, which I definitely plan on using.

I wanted a way to deal with my mother and family without coming off as a cold bitch but assertive enough to not have my energy sucked from me. Which is usually the case. I can’t just tell them all to ‘fuck off’ because I need them in my life. I just need to keep myself healthy and distanced enough to not absorb their problems but to also deal with situations in ways that may help them see what they are doing to me and really themselves, as well. I like helping people but I have to figure out the line before it effects me.

She said I should first give myself positive affirmations to myself. Like when my mom calls to gripe to me about my sister doing so and so say “Gee Kitten, you’ve a very good listener and your mother trusts you.” Sounds hokey, but think about how often you tell yourself bad things or put yourself down. I do it a lot and I bet I’m not alone. When’s the last time you gave yourself a compliment?

Then figure out how what they are doing makes me feel and stating it back to them using “I-statements.” I guess I-statements are ways of telling how you feel, addressing why that is and most importantly, following it up with what you would like to see happen.

For instance, when my mom uses things that happened in the past against me I should say something along the lines of “I feel guilty/anxious when you bring up things in the past. I would like us to move on and work on our relationship.” She warned me that people will think that is psycho-babble or that it might cause them anxiety if I no longer play the role I have in the past. That I might have to sound like a broken record for awhile. And honestly, when she said it I thought to myself, “I’m not trying out for Therapy Queen 2004" but I admit, it does make sense.

She said that by loving people and being with people not out of need gives me more freedom. Which is one of the outcomes I wanted from going to therapy. I’ve felt trapped and tied down which makes me want to disappear. I’m seeing that I can be in relationships and have people count on me but I can still be free to take care of myself and know when I need something to get there. I needed her to tell me it wasn’t selfish, I suppose.

She said that I can look at a situation and decide how much control I want over it. That I’m very observant and conscious. I like that.

Let me explain the marriage thing. I don’t really care if mom gets married on one hand because it doesn’t affect me. I don’t live there or depend on her for parental stuff really. I’m an adult. I’m only opposed because of the kid involved. I guess I didn’t know it but I see her as a victim when this marriage goes south, and it will.

I figured out that the problems I’m having in my marriage is an offshoot from the problems that I got from my family situations. I’m in a therapist role in all aspects of my life. I absorb problems. I swear I think I have a break-through every single session with her.

So the holidays are upon me and I feel more in control. We’ll see if I can put them into practice this weekend and over Christmas. If I come back from visiting family without any guilt or bad feelings, god....But hey, let’s just see what happens.

Bad Wife

I did the unspeakable last night. I made my husband rent a Romantic Comedy. Eeeep. I know, I know. I couldn't help it. I love his usual choices, but I couldn't wrap my head around any documentaries on how Bush is destroying America or that Fox News is evil, so I picked this one. I was in the mood for something funny, sweet and a little on the girlie side and he was with me at the movie store, so, well, there you have it.

Even though it turned out to not be totally sappy and even kinda funny, overall, the movie kinda sucked. Here's my public apology: Sorry honey.

Other than that though, we met up with some friends for dinner and coffee. I am making it my personal quest to talk this little coffee shop we love into making peppermint mochas. I feel bad buying from Starbucks, but dang they are goooooood. We go to the independently owned one almost nightly at this point, so I guess that takes some of my guilt away.

On our way home we drove past some houses all decked out in lights and such. I feel like I'm in a foreign country with weird lightbulb fetishes. I tell ya, I'm just not in the mood. It doesn't feel anything like Christmas this year to us. Maybe that's why I'm not my usual depressed self! I just don't care and am looking forward to our vacation so much. Not only that but one of my best friends is due to deliver her baby in a week. So yea, just got other important things on my mind.

Who needs Christmas.

Reasoning

If your co-worker comes in 40 minutes late (when you've been here since the appropriate time) and immediately upon her arrival starts barking out orders in her nasaly voice at the top of her lungs, slamming stuff down, looking at your monitor when she passes to make sure you are "working" and huffing and sighing loudly as she drags her stupid feet everywhere she goes......is that reason enough to get shitfaced on free top shelf alcohol and punch her in the face at the upcoming Christmas party?

I'm taking votes.

Party Schmarty

This Friday is our annual company Christmas party. Or otherwise known as An Evening to Witness the Following: Boss's drunken thank you speech, using both the word "fuck" and "god" in the same speech, sometimes the same sentence. A competition for the "Lampshade Award" for most drunken imbecile. Yea, I get to hand over my crown this year and I might get a little misty-eyed. Lastly, a chance to eat about $500 in food per person all COMPLETELY FREE.

Usually I look forward to it, mostly for the food and beverage and a chance to wear high heels and a slutty dress around people that only ever see me in jeans and a ponytail. This year, well, not so much. Now they are talking of lay-offs and I'm sure my husband will be the first to go. I have wanted to leave for a long time and I'm now to the point where I don't hardly even speak to anyone here anymore. Not even to really joke around. And don't get me started on the bile I feel crawl up my throat when my PC (psychotic co-worker) opens her gaping face wound to talk about herself NON-FUCKING-STOP. I can't even stand the sound of her dragging her cloven feet on her path past my desk to the printer. Now, that's just petty.

I am to a point where I don't think I will be staying here much next year so this might be my last celebration with these people. And honestly, I don't think I'm going to miss anything about this place except the pay and seeing theMan all day. I think my boss was right. I just don't care, not one single ounce.

So on Friday I plan on huddling in a corner with theMan and pretending we are on a date alone, and we just so happened to be at the same restaurant with people we work with. I hope no one notices us, except when our glasses need a refill. :)

Words

Uttered several times tonight in our house:

"No, I am not selling my eggs so you can get new music equipment!"

ahem.

Monday, ugh

This weekend proved to be mega-relaxing in a much needed way. Let's recap, shall we?

Friday I watched some flicks with Jzn on the 8 foot couch while theMan made crazy sounds and musical escapades up a short flight of stairs. Saturday we went book shopping at our favorite occult and used bookstores on Milwaukee. I found great deals and even got a book of poetry my sister had been looking for all for under $5.00! Plus, well even if you don't buy anything, the occult bookstore is an experience in itself.

Followed that up with Christmas shopping with Jzn, which turned into a flipping great coffee and chat time as well. Met up theMan at our coffee shop for some quiche and watched "Elf" until we all passed out.

Yesterday was much pajama time while I worked on some photo projects for x-mas gifts. Nice, nice, nice.

However, something scary happened to a friend of ours that makes me want to get all reactionary and go live in the country. Lance, our pal, was parking his car on a side street and walking to his apartment when he noticed a mini-van following him slowly. I guess an old guy was in the van and asked him if he needed a ride. Lance said no and kept walking. I guess the guy got a little more aggressive and told him to "get in the van." So Lance ran home and called the police.

I realize it's a big city, there are lots of weirdos, but damn if that doesn't give me the heeby-jeebies. I'm just glad he's okay.

Dreaming

Click on the picture above if you want to know what I'm longing for. 2 mas semanas.....

The lovely seniorita in the picture is my aunt relaxing in the Gilla Mountains because the rest of us were slow catching up to her on the trail. Bunch of newbies we were. This lady can make a mean green chilli breakfast casserole. So you definitely do not want to fuck with her.

(Thanx to Charlie Feathers for the zak'. It's only a minute long.)

It brings it out of me!

Movies watched so far since Friday night:
-Eyes Wide Shut: Probably one of my favorite films of all time. But for the record, I found a pubic hair continuity error! The scene at the weird underground party when the "Main dude" brings in a red headed model on his arm to lure Cruise from the room with people fucking to the room where "business needs to be dealt with": her pubic hair is shaved differently from one scene to another cutaway. Yes, I am the pussy master. Say it with me.
-Heat: I don't usually dig action movies that are this long, but come on. Deniro and Pacino? Not to mention Al Pacino's great lines: "You are wasting my MOTHERFUCKING time!" I think Jzn & I will be repeating that to the general public for some time.
-The Station Agent: Great, great, great characters and funny, sweet story. Highly recommended. Why are you still reading this and not at your locally owned rental establishment?
-Elf: Cute and funny for the most part. Mostly cute.

Total pajama time logged: Not nearly enough.

It's your special day

Almost forgot, and wanted to get this in before midnight...Happy Birthday Jen K.!

You dare me?

I came back from my appointment today and my PC (psychotic co-worker) gave me HUGE attitude immediately upon arrival. Then she left for the day because, well, I guess she just was "OVERWHELMED." (Due to her previous outbreak I can no longer type that word except in all caps. Hee hee.)

So I roll my eyes and I tell theMan that nothing can bother me on the day of therapy! I'm enpowered woman on that day above all days! Well, I didn't really mean that as a challenge, k?

We've been busy at work and I put a project to the side a little. I'm not proud, but it's not life threatening. So my boss, Asshole Von Drunkenstein, finds out and then lectures me on not caring about the business and that he's going to have to lay people off and he can fire me if he wants, blah blah blah. If I'm not happy I should get a new job. My favorite line though? He's not used to people not liking him and it seems like I don't like him that much. That his past employees get along with him great when he sees them now. (You'll notice the key words "past" and "now" in that sentence.)

My entire take on my current job: I like to think of my boss as the asshole rich uncle you try not to piss off so he doesn't write you out of the will. Does that show I care enough?

Therapy Scene 1, Act III

Do you know that commercial for diamonds on TV? This couple is standing in a courtyard and the guy starts screaming to everyone, “I Love this Woman!” She gets embarrassed and pulls him close, so he gives her a huge diamond ring and says, “I guess this will have to do.” Well, if I was sure of my therapist’s ring size, I’d reenact that sentiment. I love this woman, I really really love this woman.

Very eye-opening session today. Mostly personal details between my husband and I which I don’t think I’ll divulge on here, but I will say I think I’ve figured out a lot of our problems and how to deal with them. She opened my eyes and defined things I was feeling when I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I’m a person that likes things defined, especially of how I feel. Another part of my control anxiety I suppose. So it was just what I needed. Boundaries people, that’s my word for the year and she gave me a few more to set up.

Secondly, if I had a little chart for gold stars, I would have got one it seems. She said some very nice compliments about me which I want to put on “paper” to help me remember when I’m feeling a little blue. She said I was very smart and insightful. Also, since I was assertive and observant that I was a therapist genius. How about them apples? Maybe a career move? Hee hee.

She said that I have the power to look at myself and my actions and I have great consciousness about why I do the things I do. That I’m not in denial, I just need to set boundaries to not have them cycle. She said that when I figure out something, I apply it right away. Which honestly, I definitely feel like I’ve been doing. Especially this last week, which has been one of the more calmer weeks I've had. I’m feeling more in control and calm than really ever before. I suppose that’s another branch of my need to have things organized, even in my emotions.

When I told her that all I needed, it seems, was for her to tell me it was okay to take time for myself, that I thought about that several times this week and didn't even need to actually do it. Just the thought that it was okay if I did.

She even made me realize why I like our sessions. It’s one more area I control. There is a set time, a set date and amount of time and then it’s over. I know exactly what’s going to happen, and our relationship is defined, etc. She seemed to feel optimistic about me and god damn that was a nice feeling.

We even laughed a lot. Which if you know me, that is one thing I love to do.

So yea, another appointment next week. To that I say: keep em’ coming.

Daily Picture

Men, this daily picture is for you out there without the much bally-hooed "6-pack." Sure 6-pack abs are great to look at and do make it much easier to look up at you during a blow job to see if you're paying attention, but let's be honest....what really keeps us warm at night when we need something to hold on too?

Those big ol' hairy bellies.

And besides, just look what else they are good for? (See daily pic)

Now if you guys could figure out how to love our big thighs and hail damaged butts, we'd be all set and entertained.

It gives you WIIINNNGGS

I think I figured out my fascination with all things pajama-like recently. It's this freaking weather! So to just give in to my urges, this weekend I plan on doing what small amount of x-mas shopping I couldn't get out of with our excuse of "Let's just be together as a family instead of being consumer whores!" and then it's straight to the couch with video games, books and hot wings.

Okay, sure. I'll go to the gym, but only on Saturday and I will wear my beloved comfy pants the ENTIRE time.

Quite a bunch

Yesterday one of my co-workers sorta ran out to the ER complaining of feeling "weird." I later learned he was having blood pressure medicine probblems and felt like he was having a stroke. I didn't feel too bad about not showing concern while he was here because well, he didn't tell me anything and I don't remember being psychic.

Apparently Psycho Co-worker (PC from this point forward) seemed to feel bad about 1.) Not showing more concern and 2.) Not getting all the attention.

So when my boss comes downstairs to rib us about not going with him to the ER or if he dies it's our fault because he's gay and no one likes him, she starts bawling and runs out screaming, "I am just overwhelmed!" So we all had to focus our attention back to her while she went on and on about how she almost quit and as soon as her husband gets more money she is, and then she dropped the bomb. Next year she's going to try to get pregnant. Cue my exit music!

So I got to thinking, "Wow, we're quite a bunch in this office." I'm in therapy, Gay Co-worker (GC) is having heart problems, and PC is criminially insane, I'm convinced. Then there is my boss who likes to get drunk and scream at us.

Moral of the story: If during the interview for your next job they mention that your office is full of actors and the boss can be "a bit hard to get along with at times"....run screaming from the establishment.