Boys, please turn away now

I've decided to make a few lists. One will be things no one told me that I wish I knew when I was pregnant and the other, things that weren't really a big deal that I thought would be.

So here goes....First, things no one told me that I wish I would have known:

(Ladies, you like to keep secrets don't you?)

1.) You might not think about your period much while pregnant, even though that sounded like a major selling point before. You won't realize how annoying it really is and when it comes back....holy shit. You may go to the doctor to make sure you aren't hemmoraging like someone is in there making the stabbing. Maybe you really had twins and one stayed in to puncture your lady bits with an ice pick. An ultrasound will confirm no twin is still in there.

1.2.) It will be weird to have an ultrasound and see no baby.

2.) You may feel inadequate to the depths of your being but on some level deep inside, you won't.

3.) Breastfeeding is fucking hard. It's hard, it's confidence shattering, and demoralizing but eventually will be totally awesome. And cheaper than formula.

4.) Day 4 after birth, you will cry a thousand tears.

5.) The nurses really aren't judging you, no matter what you think.

6.) There are not enough pillows in the world to accommodate your pillow needs in the hospital, either during birth or after.

7.) If they won't let you walk around during contractions because of that fucking heart monitor, lie and tell them you have to pee. A lot. Get up to pee and then sit on the toilet and enjoy the feeling of not being in bed. I did this, multiple times.

8.) Every molecule in your body will jump the second your baby makes any sound, even if you are dead asleep.

9.) The first time you look at yourself in the mirror after giving birth you will want to cry.

10.) "Apron" is not a nice word anymore. (see No. 9 above)

11.) I have no mental capacity for things I used to handle efficiently. Like talking coherently. Zero.

12.) Post-pardem depression is no shit. I finally summed up my feelings and it was “indifferent.” That is how I felt to the world outside my little newborn. Indifferent about my marriage, my friends, my family, my bills, my health, my appearance, my life. I couldn’t care because I didn’t have the room too anymore. After 3 months I’m finally over that hump, but I get it now. I get it. Treat all new mothers with very delicate hands and give them their space. Please.

13.) I will need my husband more than any other time in my life. Birth, hospital room, baby care at home, general day to day.

And now...things that weren't really a big deal that I thought would be:

1.) The epidural. Seriously, not a big deal to get. I admit, immediately after I wondered if I could have waited, but if you already made the decision to get one, it isn't scary. If you are wondering if you should, that's your call and not what I'm discussing.

2.) Taking care of my baby. Really. It's pretty routine and easy, tiring sure, but nothing crazy and out of the ordinary. She poops, sleeps, eats, burps and needs clothed. Really no big whoop! (And thank god.)

3.) C-section scar. Wow, after ALL that I went through, WHO CARES. Hell, who can see it under my new jelly belly.

4.) Returning to work. Now, mind you, I’m 100% sure this is because my husband is staying home with her. So this might only apply to me. But so far I’ve loved getting dressed up, wearing make–up, having conversations and doing my job in general.

5.) Wearing a bathing suit. Good sweet god, who gives a shit. Sure, I don’t really love my new figure but after all that…by the time I get my fat ass to a pool with my baby I’m just there to enjoy myself. 20’s…I do not miss thee.

6.) Contractions. Even a day later I realized that nothing, NOTHING was as bad as recovering from a c-section. Contractions, schmactions…bring it on.

I’m sure this isn’t complete, but 3 months later I’m finally able to compartmentalize a little bit. The whole experience has been absolutely life changing. There are no words. My daughter means the entire world to me, yet at the same time it makes me more certain of my individuality and my place as a woman.

Basically, mothering is no shit.