Therapy-Session 4

Um, I realize I'm getting very personal with my blog posts about therapy. Now, I don't tell you guys everything I talk to my doctor about, hell I don't tell anyone everything I talk to her about, but I do give you a pretty personal summary. It freaks me out on some levels, but then again it's a way for me to get it on paper, so to speak. I'm curious to know if you guys are put off by it. I don't know that I will censor myself, but I'm curious. Email or comment, I'd like your opinions.

So on to Session 4. It's a long one...

Today we talked about my family. There’s a topic that will surely keep me in therapy for another year. Mostly because it’s going to be mega-holiday family time and secondly, due to my sister wanting to talk my mom out of getting married. Something I didn’t realize I was opposed too until I started talking to Dr. Happiness about it. In a nutshell, I feel great lately about where I am emotionally with my marriage and I want the same control and freedom in dealing with my crazy ass family.

She gave me some interesting ways of handling situations, family or not, which I definitely plan on using.

I wanted a way to deal with my mother and family without coming off as a cold bitch but assertive enough to not have my energy sucked from me. Which is usually the case. I can’t just tell them all to ‘fuck off’ because I need them in my life. I just need to keep myself healthy and distanced enough to not absorb their problems but to also deal with situations in ways that may help them see what they are doing to me and really themselves, as well. I like helping people but I have to figure out the line before it effects me.

She said I should first give myself positive affirmations to myself. Like when my mom calls to gripe to me about my sister doing so and so say “Gee Kitten, you’ve a very good listener and your mother trusts you.” Sounds hokey, but think about how often you tell yourself bad things or put yourself down. I do it a lot and I bet I’m not alone. When’s the last time you gave yourself a compliment?

Then figure out how what they are doing makes me feel and stating it back to them using “I-statements.” I guess I-statements are ways of telling how you feel, addressing why that is and most importantly, following it up with what you would like to see happen.

For instance, when my mom uses things that happened in the past against me I should say something along the lines of “I feel guilty/anxious when you bring up things in the past. I would like us to move on and work on our relationship.” She warned me that people will think that is psycho-babble or that it might cause them anxiety if I no longer play the role I have in the past. That I might have to sound like a broken record for awhile. And honestly, when she said it I thought to myself, “I’m not trying out for Therapy Queen 2004" but I admit, it does make sense.

She said that by loving people and being with people not out of need gives me more freedom. Which is one of the outcomes I wanted from going to therapy. I’ve felt trapped and tied down which makes me want to disappear. I’m seeing that I can be in relationships and have people count on me but I can still be free to take care of myself and know when I need something to get there. I needed her to tell me it wasn’t selfish, I suppose.

She said that I can look at a situation and decide how much control I want over it. That I’m very observant and conscious. I like that.

Let me explain the marriage thing. I don’t really care if mom gets married on one hand because it doesn’t affect me. I don’t live there or depend on her for parental stuff really. I’m an adult. I’m only opposed because of the kid involved. I guess I didn’t know it but I see her as a victim when this marriage goes south, and it will.

I figured out that the problems I’m having in my marriage is an offshoot from the problems that I got from my family situations. I’m in a therapist role in all aspects of my life. I absorb problems. I swear I think I have a break-through every single session with her.

So the holidays are upon me and I feel more in control. We’ll see if I can put them into practice this weekend and over Christmas. If I come back from visiting family without any guilt or bad feelings, god....But hey, let’s just see what happens.