This explains so much

I went to my general doctor today as a follow up appointment to my PPD appointment 3 weeks ago. I was telling him that being mentally clear has helped me to deal with the grieving I had to do over my labor and delivery. The emergency c-section, inducing, horrible recovery, etc. After telling my story he looked at me very sternly and confirmed that I was under-medicated for my c-section. I should have never been able to move in bed or get on all fours’s (they had me do this right before my c-section to get A. off her cord). I shouldn't have been able to move my legs immediately after surgery in the recovery room, or writhe in pain, etc.

So basically, I used the Bradley Method to get through a c-section.

I’m not going to lie, I feel pretty bad ass and MY GOD so much more hopeful for kid no. 2. I was terrified of having another c-section or going through labor only to have an emergency one, just for the recovery period alone. I thought I was crazy when I'd hear other ladies talk about their c-section births and it not be a big deal.

It was a big god damn deal, apparently.

I know this is horrible, but I cannot tell you how much peace this brings me. I thought my body failed me, that I did something wrong. No, no apparently I’m f-ing Clint Eastwood of the Maternity Ward. Just give me a leather strap and a bottle of whiskey.

I can do anything and now, especially, I can move on.

God I'm boring even myself

I'm so just...well, writer's block I guess. The days are a blur of working crazy hours, coming home, taking care of the babes, falling asleep early after trying to read. I'm actually doing pretty decent. I'm reading a fabulous book: How to Be Free in an Unfree World, by Harry Brown. HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS.

It's basically lifting my fog, well...that and Wellbutrin. ;)

I've also joined a lady at work creating a new site for words from new moms, I'm taking pics and things are looking up.

I also have the cutest baby ever. So there's that.

Listing

I'm having a little setback here in these parts. As you can see from the time stamp, it's 3:09 a.m. when I'm starting this. The pregnancy insomnia never left I guess. I also cried on the train yesterday. Sigh.

Soooo that being said, I'm finding a therapist tomorrow morning. I have numbers, programs for free sessions, you name it. I'm nervous because well, I don't know, that I'll be never be fixed without major life upheaval? I just am. I'll report on that later I suppose.

I also realized that I no longer can tell myself the "but...."s. I can't say "Sure, I just stubbed my toe but I look fabulous in this black dress." Instead I spiral...."I stubbed my toe. I should just run away because I'm so clumsy no one could want me."

Yes....really.

In order to look a little ahead instead of all the regretting I've been doing about the past, I decided to do a little goal list here, just to get me excited for the future again. I miss that. In fact, I reread this from November 2007:

I want to go to Italy. I want to buy full-priced shoes. I want to decide at 3:00 p.m. on a Tuesday that I'm meeting my friends for wine until 2:00 a.m. I want to pick guitar playing back up after years of telling myself we don't have the money for lessons. I want to buy a house and completely design it as I've dreamed. I want to go dancing, a lot. I want to eat more French food. I want to buy a new camera and focus more on photography. I want to be gloriously self-indulgent.

Totally selfish things to accomplish in Winter/Spring 2008:
1.) Find someone off Craig's list to give me guitar lessons.
2.) Take road trip to Nashville with co-workers (by April).
3.) Learn to sew a skirt and make 2 by Spring.
4.) Book flights for Italy for traveling Spring 2009.
5.) Volunteer at adoption agency.
6.) Take dance lessons.

Wow, I don't even remember writing this. I don't even remember this girl, actually. It was nice to see I accomplished a few of those things: Trip to Memphis, not Nashville, volunteer at adoption agency. But still.

Who was this girl?? I'm finding it hard to remember her.

Anyways, here goes....my new list.

1.) Exercise once a day. (Whether it be walking after dinner, bike to the train or pilates DVD. Something.)
2.) Take a picture every day of something. (I'm going to start the 365 project again, this really got my creative juices going.)
3.) Get my 401k organized. (Thankfully I was pleasantly surprised when I checked it last time, but I never know where it stands and since it is something I'm proud of, I should.)
4.) Make a plan for the next year for our budget. (We want to move, we should figure out how to make this happen.)
5.) Get another promotion at work by next June. (Working on this, but slipping.)
6.) Take dance or guitar lessons alone. (I am longing for this.)
7.) Start a monthly card / food night with my friends. (Working on this currently.)

I think I'll stop there. It's not really a huge plan for long-term future, but it's something to work on that doesn't have me wallowing in self-pity. I'm so tired of everything. Yet I can't sleep.

Week One of Wellbutrin

My goodness what a difference I feel. How do I know? I clipped my daughter's finger with her nail clippers Sunday night, it bled, she bawled but I didn't. I comforted her, apologized and got her to calm down and only thought very very very briefly about being a shitty mom.

This is progress.

I still feel a little disconnected from people. A lot less tolerant. I wonder how much of that is just being a mother. I wonder if once you pop out that kid, your bullshit tolerance just goes waaayyyyy down.

I have been dragging my feet about finding a therapist and making my follow-up appointment. Not really out of fear so much as being busy at work and sorta lazy. The therapist thing...I had one I loved years ago, it was really an awesome experience. Hell, I lost 14 lbs. but for some reason I'm nervous. Maybe there is a part of me that likes this muck.

I recently read and fell even more in love with Julie at A Little Pregnant. "The notion that because we didn't go through X or Y in the childbearing arena (the vadge-osphere?), we're somehow less — maybe not less of a mother, but possibly less of a woman, less of a fighter, less of a winner. I understand where that feeling comes from; it's rampant among infertiles. Still, I reject it. With compassion, I reject it. Doing it at all makes us magnificent. I wish any other implication made us not sad, but angry."

Addie's birth very much affected me. If I can sort out anything with a therapist, it would be that. I didn't want a c-section, I wanted natural labor. Instead I got pitocin, an epidural, my water broke manually, stuck in a bed. But I was 43 weeks pregnant. I mean....was she going to come on her own?? With that head, who knows. I got the epidural after 13 hours of Pitocin labor....I carry that as a badge of honor and a disappointment. Why does it affect me so?

I don't give two shits about what other moms think of me. I never really have got into that game of competing, but I can't stop doing it to myself. Maybe in the near future I can work this out. Especially before baby no. 2....Dear Sweet Baby Jesus.

You know though, Addie is brilliant. She has had a fever for two days but so far, she's mad as hell but still sleeping like a champ. How did I get so lucky?

Wellbutrin, I love you

After 4 grueling, ever worsening months of PPD I finally went to the doctor Friday to discuss some options.

I feel like I'm under water, like I can't laugh or be completely light. I feel heavy. I sleep 8 hours yet I'm still exhausted. I cry for no reason. In fact, I cried in the doctor's office waiting room.

If I sit peacefully and stare into space my thoughts immediately go to doom, gloom and anxiety. I cannot relax. Ever. After polling my friends and my sister and hearing them say "You've not been the same since you gave birth." Well, it sorta sealed the deal.

So I went to my doctor, not my OB but my regular guy, who always makes me feel like a person. We talked for about an hour and now I have some options and a plan.

And now, as I sit here 2 days later I cannot believe I didn't do this sooner.

I just spent a wonderful 3 days with my little girl and even though she had a fever, had a freak-out, we sat in the house all weekend, I felt so peaceful and happy and light. Even her fever didn't get me sobbing, I just took care of it and went on.

I guess she could tell too, as she finally giggled at me. A joy only reserved for her dad so far. I wish I would have had the courage to seek help sooner. I was terrified of being on medication but as I sat there tears in my eyes in the doctor's office and him naming off all of the symptoms I have felt, it seemed the right thing to do.

He wants me to get therapy and see him again in 3 weeks, as well as medication. I could kiss him.

Boys, please turn away now

I've decided to make a few lists. One will be things no one told me that I wish I knew when I was pregnant and the other, things that weren't really a big deal that I thought would be.

So here goes....First, things no one told me that I wish I would have known:

(Ladies, you like to keep secrets don't you?)

1.) You might not think about your period much while pregnant, even though that sounded like a major selling point before. You won't realize how annoying it really is and when it comes back....holy shit. You may go to the doctor to make sure you aren't hemmoraging like someone is in there making the stabbing. Maybe you really had twins and one stayed in to puncture your lady bits with an ice pick. An ultrasound will confirm no twin is still in there.

1.2.) It will be weird to have an ultrasound and see no baby.

2.) You may feel inadequate to the depths of your being but on some level deep inside, you won't.

3.) Breastfeeding is fucking hard. It's hard, it's confidence shattering, and demoralizing but eventually will be totally awesome. And cheaper than formula.

4.) Day 4 after birth, you will cry a thousand tears.

5.) The nurses really aren't judging you, no matter what you think.

6.) There are not enough pillows in the world to accommodate your pillow needs in the hospital, either during birth or after.

7.) If they won't let you walk around during contractions because of that fucking heart monitor, lie and tell them you have to pee. A lot. Get up to pee and then sit on the toilet and enjoy the feeling of not being in bed. I did this, multiple times.

8.) Every molecule in your body will jump the second your baby makes any sound, even if you are dead asleep.

9.) The first time you look at yourself in the mirror after giving birth you will want to cry.

10.) "Apron" is not a nice word anymore. (see No. 9 above)

11.) I have no mental capacity for things I used to handle efficiently. Like talking coherently. Zero.

12.) Post-pardem depression is no shit. I finally summed up my feelings and it was “indifferent.” That is how I felt to the world outside my little newborn. Indifferent about my marriage, my friends, my family, my bills, my health, my appearance, my life. I couldn’t care because I didn’t have the room too anymore. After 3 months I’m finally over that hump, but I get it now. I get it. Treat all new mothers with very delicate hands and give them their space. Please.

13.) I will need my husband more than any other time in my life. Birth, hospital room, baby care at home, general day to day.

And now...things that weren't really a big deal that I thought would be:

1.) The epidural. Seriously, not a big deal to get. I admit, immediately after I wondered if I could have waited, but if you already made the decision to get one, it isn't scary. If you are wondering if you should, that's your call and not what I'm discussing.

2.) Taking care of my baby. Really. It's pretty routine and easy, tiring sure, but nothing crazy and out of the ordinary. She poops, sleeps, eats, burps and needs clothed. Really no big whoop! (And thank god.)

3.) C-section scar. Wow, after ALL that I went through, WHO CARES. Hell, who can see it under my new jelly belly.

4.) Returning to work. Now, mind you, I’m 100% sure this is because my husband is staying home with her. So this might only apply to me. But so far I’ve loved getting dressed up, wearing make–up, having conversations and doing my job in general.

5.) Wearing a bathing suit. Good sweet god, who gives a shit. Sure, I don’t really love my new figure but after all that…by the time I get my fat ass to a pool with my baby I’m just there to enjoy myself. 20’s…I do not miss thee.

6.) Contractions. Even a day later I realized that nothing, NOTHING was as bad as recovering from a c-section. Contractions, schmactions…bring it on.

I’m sure this isn’t complete, but 3 months later I’m finally able to compartmentalize a little bit. The whole experience has been absolutely life changing. There are no words. My daughter means the entire world to me, yet at the same time it makes me more certain of my individuality and my place as a woman.

Basically, mothering is no shit.

3 Month Milestone

Whew. There, that was me giving a sigh of relief. I had several very smart women tell me that the 3 month mark was a major milestone in feeling 100% better and they were right. It was like I woke up on Father's Day a new person. I asked for what I needed from my husband, my girl started cooing and almost giggling, and I finally found my groove.

I even got a sweet raise and awesome review at work, further letting me know that the plan I busted my ass to make work, is working splendidly. And let me just reiterate that point. I CHOSE to go back to work because I knew, even before that positive pregnancy test, that would be what was best for my family. So I created a budget and we stuck to it to make it happen, all the while my husband was building his photography business. And guess what? That girl with all the big ideas and no fetus yet was right. Me working is my saviour, my sanity. I miss my girl like crazy and if she was going to daycare I would lose my mind, but she's with her dad. Her dad that likes staying home with her, who researches the best way to make tummy time valuable, a dad that I always wished I had growing up (even though I did in other ways with my pops, Jim.)

So I still have my days. My marriage is okay, but we are talking and compromising and working on it, I think. My weight is embarrassing to me, but I'm trying to give myself a break for a little bit. I feel guilty because though I work all day away from Addie, I still need 15 minutes to myself when I get home.

But it's improving and I feel like I have a plan.

And my little girl is sleeping next to me with one of her fat little leg sticking out of the covers, just like me when I sleep. Life is good and now I can see it.