Week One of Wellbutrin

My goodness what a difference I feel. How do I know? I clipped my daughter's finger with her nail clippers Sunday night, it bled, she bawled but I didn't. I comforted her, apologized and got her to calm down and only thought very very very briefly about being a shitty mom.

This is progress.

I still feel a little disconnected from people. A lot less tolerant. I wonder how much of that is just being a mother. I wonder if once you pop out that kid, your bullshit tolerance just goes waaayyyyy down.

I have been dragging my feet about finding a therapist and making my follow-up appointment. Not really out of fear so much as being busy at work and sorta lazy. The therapist thing...I had one I loved years ago, it was really an awesome experience. Hell, I lost 14 lbs. but for some reason I'm nervous. Maybe there is a part of me that likes this muck.

I recently read and fell even more in love with Julie at A Little Pregnant. "The notion that because we didn't go through X or Y in the childbearing arena (the vadge-osphere?), we're somehow less — maybe not less of a mother, but possibly less of a woman, less of a fighter, less of a winner. I understand where that feeling comes from; it's rampant among infertiles. Still, I reject it. With compassion, I reject it. Doing it at all makes us magnificent. I wish any other implication made us not sad, but angry."

Addie's birth very much affected me. If I can sort out anything with a therapist, it would be that. I didn't want a c-section, I wanted natural labor. Instead I got pitocin, an epidural, my water broke manually, stuck in a bed. But I was 43 weeks pregnant. I mean....was she going to come on her own?? With that head, who knows. I got the epidural after 13 hours of Pitocin labor....I carry that as a badge of honor and a disappointment. Why does it affect me so?

I don't give two shits about what other moms think of me. I never really have got into that game of competing, but I can't stop doing it to myself. Maybe in the near future I can work this out. Especially before baby no. 2....Dear Sweet Baby Jesus.

You know though, Addie is brilliant. She has had a fever for two days but so far, she's mad as hell but still sleeping like a champ. How did I get so lucky?


Blogger April said...

Want to say I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. And, over time, the feelings about the circumstances surrounding your birth of Addie will heal. I was once where you were and it probably took a long while (I would say even after having baby #2) before I made complete peace with it. Where I live there was no option for a v-bac with my second (it was also risky for me having them close in age). But even though I knew the doctors wouldn't allow a v-bac I still wanted to experience a "regular" birth. But I no longer have those longings and regrets. If we have a third, I'll have another c-section and know that it is ok and I am not less of a woman or mother because of it. Just remember you're not alone in this experience - there are millions of us out there going through the same thing!

4:11 PM


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