I'm having a little setback here in these parts. As you can see from the time stamp, it's 3:09 a.m. when I'm starting this. The pregnancy insomnia never left I guess. I also cried on the train yesterday. Sigh.

Soooo that being said, I'm finding a therapist tomorrow morning. I have numbers, programs for free sessions, you name it. I'm nervous because well, I don't know, that I'll be never be fixed without major life upheaval? I just am. I'll report on that later I suppose.

I also realized that I no longer can tell myself the "but...."s. I can't say "Sure, I just stubbed my toe but I look fabulous in this black dress." Instead I spiral...."I stubbed my toe. I should just run away because I'm so clumsy no one could want me."


In order to look a little ahead instead of all the regretting I've been doing about the past, I decided to do a little goal list here, just to get me excited for the future again. I miss that. In fact, I reread this from November 2007:

I want to go to Italy. I want to buy full-priced shoes. I want to decide at 3:00 p.m. on a Tuesday that I'm meeting my friends for wine until 2:00 a.m. I want to pick guitar playing back up after years of telling myself we don't have the money for lessons. I want to buy a house and completely design it as I've dreamed. I want to go dancing, a lot. I want to eat more French food. I want to buy a new camera and focus more on photography. I want to be gloriously self-indulgent.

Totally selfish things to accomplish in Winter/Spring 2008:
1.) Find someone off Craig's list to give me guitar lessons.
2.) Take road trip to Nashville with co-workers (by April).
3.) Learn to sew a skirt and make 2 by Spring.
4.) Book flights for Italy for traveling Spring 2009.
5.) Volunteer at adoption agency.
6.) Take dance lessons.

Wow, I don't even remember writing this. I don't even remember this girl, actually. It was nice to see I accomplished a few of those things: Trip to Memphis, not Nashville, volunteer at adoption agency. But still.

Who was this girl?? I'm finding it hard to remember her.

Anyways, here goes....my new list.

1.) Exercise once a day. (Whether it be walking after dinner, bike to the train or pilates DVD. Something.)
2.) Take a picture every day of something. (I'm going to start the 365 project again, this really got my creative juices going.)
3.) Get my 401k organized. (Thankfully I was pleasantly surprised when I checked it last time, but I never know where it stands and since it is something I'm proud of, I should.)
4.) Make a plan for the next year for our budget. (We want to move, we should figure out how to make this happen.)
5.) Get another promotion at work by next June. (Working on this, but slipping.)
6.) Take dance or guitar lessons alone. (I am longing for this.)
7.) Start a monthly card / food night with my friends. (Working on this currently.)

I think I'll stop there. It's not really a huge plan for long-term future, but it's something to work on that doesn't have me wallowing in self-pity. I'm so tired of everything. Yet I can't sleep.


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