Dr. Happiness in the Hiz-ouse

This morning I got my weekly pre-therapy appointment peppermint mocha and sat at the table because I was early and wanted to watch the people walk by. What do I do? My face starts leaking. Just tears streaming down my face, no big heaving sobs, just tears I couldn’t wipe away fast enough. Yep, it’s been that sort of week. If only I could blame it on the sappy version of “Silent Night” playing over the loud speaker.

Since Saturday I think I’ve felt that familiar quarterly black cloud roll up on me. Here’s a colorful little metaphor for you not bagging your groceries at Crazy Land Food & Pantry: You’re walking in a big open field looking down at the ground. All of the sudden a storm brews up behind you. Sure you might notice the wind starting to turn cold or the light growing dark but you aren’t prepared when it starts pouring and there is nowhere for miles to take shelter. That’s my head space.

I know exactly what I should be doing, what I’ve been doing the past month to feel better and take more control. I know how great I felt the last couple weeks. However, there’s a big difference between knowing how and actually having the energy to want to do something. I’m consumed with a sense of overwhelming hopelessness and it usually comes in a big wave every couple of months. I thought I was going crazy and Dr. Happiness confirmed that I am not. I told her my fears of being on medication because my family loves to talk about their “nerve pills.” To which she said there is a difference in her opinion to going to your family doctor and complaining of sleeplessness to get Xanax and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and being on a carefully monitored program with a mixture of medication and consultation.

She also said I need to make the clarification in myself between what I consider a crutch for myself and what is actually taking care of my needs. I guess I don’t know the difference just yet. It’s amazing how much self worth I’m finding I don’t have.

There were also some ephanys had about how I get into relationships and my role in them. My desire to be a direct contrast to how my family is but it’s the other end of the spectrum and not exactly healthy either. Although she stresses that my ability to see problems and not be in denial about anything is a very strong asset to me. I just have to work on the solutions.

I also realized I’m going to be very selfish for awhile. I want to figure out my head before I start evaluating relationships with family, friends, even my husband.

I don’t want to feel like this on vacation tomorrow and next week and I won’t. After my appointment I had a couple more crys at my desk and have since started to feel it break up a little in me. It’s funny how my body says “Kitten, you better kill that ego before you start getting big in your britches.” Since I was going to space my appointments out more since I felt “better” but I think I’ll wait awhile. I feel more sane than ever during that hour every Thursday.

I know I don’t need to say this, but I will anyways. I suppose I feel weird getting personal on here instead of trying to be funny or entertaining. Here’s the thing: I realize my life could be worse and I have people that love me and opportunities that some don’t. However, as grateful as I usually am, this is my reality and I’m starting to realize I gotta handle this shit. And this blog is where I just dump it all out because I would rather the friends I have read it than have me try to tell them to their face and I hope it can maybe somehow help someone else too. Okay.....no more explaining myself after a therapy post.

Ever feel like you want a big sigh to be enough?