Did you know Britney knew about this stuff?
Lasers and shit

We saw a great movie last night. If you get a chance and have a movie theater that plays more than the average summer blockbuster, go see American Splendor. And when you're done, go rent Crumb. I'm unfamiliar with the actor who played R. Crumb in American Splendor, but he was pretty dead on. And Paul Giamonte was awesome as Harvey Pekar. There's my review.

I also have another review. If you live in Chicago and want a cheap drink with a good jukebox, go to Ricochet's in Lincoln Square. Most drinks were $3.25 and they don't card you. I'm over 21, but it was nice to have my pal Jen there who has a few months to go. Now, don't worry Vice Squad, she didn't drink anything.

Carry on my wayward son.


I thought of one more thing that made me want to punch a refrigerator last night. The Duran Duran Lifetime Acheivement award given to them by Kelly Osbourne and Arvil Lavigne-thingy.

MTV apparently doesn't remember what it's like to play music anymore, so their sound people fucked up the montage of Duran Duran videos. All we heard was "There is no sound" uttered by the dazed band members. It was the lamest award ever given and to people who actually sorta deserved it.

I hate MTV.


I just watched the MTV VMA awards and it was the gayest shit I have ever seen. I had to rush right out and blog about it just to get it off my chest before I went to bed. Metallica needs to hang it up while they are still able to walk off gracefully (which mind you, their chance is getting slimmer and slimmer). I will live a fulfilling life if I never hear them play a Nirvana song again. Chris Rock wasn't even that funny. 50 Cent talks like he needed to maybe cash in that watch for some college. I actually got a kick out of the Madonna thing, I'll admit it. It's always nice to see Madam M put Britney and Christina as her slutty back up dancers. Something no one else probably has the balls to do.

The Fab Five we're pretty good. I don't know why they threw in Jimmy Fallon, but whatever.

The highlight was watching Beyonce dance because as a straight woman, I can appreciate a fine ass woman shaking what she probably pays a trainer to give her. Notice I said I enjoyed watching her "dance" and not "sing" which she did very little of thanks to well recorded vocals.

Well watching her and seeing Coldplay is always quite lovely.

And yea, I knew it, you knew it, we all knew it....there was no way those fucking idiots at MTV were going to give the best video award to who deserved it. But give Johnny Fucking Cash credit where credit is due. Justin Timberlake at least had the good sense too.

Damn.....MTV sucks. Makes me want to shut off my cable if it wasn't for this channel.

On a side note, Matt Lombard is getting the chance to go shoot some pics for this guy. Haven't picked up any movies yet, but the website sure makes it look like something to scour the local video store for. Way to go Matt!

Alright....to bed I go, thankful that I turned off the TV before Metallica got any further into their latest shitty single. Ciao!


Just watched Bowling for Columbine again last night. That is just an awesome movie.

Also saw some interesting things on the train this morning. On the "L" there are adverstisements by the ceilling. One was for depression. It had a sad looking girl on it and said, "Depressed? You are not alone." Someone had drawn a talk balloon (like in comics) from her mouth that said "I wish someone would kill George Bush." Pretty blunt?

Then next to it was an ad for Duck Dodger, a cartoon on the cartoon network. The ad said "Space Cadets" and "Duck Dodger, if he's our future, we're history." Well, as you can imagine someone marked out the "Duck Dodger" part and put "BUSH, if he's our future, we're history."

I love people with sharpies.


Gems from "The Daily Dirt":

"Memorials in Sally Baron's honor can be made to any organization working for the removal of President Bush."

- Yer old pal Jerky hopes to start seeing a whole lot more obituaries like this here one.

Man, I just posted a ton of stuff and I lost it. God damn it.

Quick note though....my pal, Jennifer and her husband are pregnant! Just found out and I'm so happy for them! Good job on your impregnation guys! Wink wink...

I'm not going to retype my entire post because I can't remember it exactly, but, well, in an nutshell, here are some things I think I should pass on.

Queer Eye I love gay men. When I die during sex when I'm 92, I want to come back as a tone gay man in a tailored Ralph Lauren suit.

Real Synthetic Audio I don't know why people have such a problem with Canadians. Great tunes here!

Celldweller He's about to go on tour. Definitely check him out. He's had many names (i.e. Circle of Dust, Angel Dust), but this is my fav of his so far.

Movies I've been watching:
-The Big Chill: 80's comedy/drama about a group of college friends who get back together after the suicide of their friend. Sure it's old and maybe cheesy, but worth a look if you feel all sentimental. And hey fellas, you get to see Glen Close's tits, so there ya go.
-Harry Potter, Chamber of Secrets: Pretty entertaining kids movie. Haven't read the books because I'm protesting the rip-off of Neil Gaiman's "Magic" series, but the movies are good!
-Bowling for Columbine: Haven't rented it again yet, but will be buying it shortly. You should too.

I'm so happy for my pals, that I can't remember what else I wrote. Babies! Babies! Babies!


Today is a special day....why? Because I was born. Why can't everyone's birthdays be national holidays? I mean, don't you feel sorta extra special on your birthday? I do, and I certainly don't want to be at work while I'm feeling all special. I also think everything should be free on your birthday. You know, like food, clothes, entertainment, that new lingerie from Victoria Secret that looks like it's from the 40's. Especially that.

Anyhoo....had an awesome weekend. My pal Jzn fed us real good like and took us out for some good laughs with Ol' Freddy and that goalie bastard. Visited the entire family in Indiana, which is always nice. My mom even made me my favorite German Chocolate cake, which I ate plenty of. I even got some awesome gifts. Yesterday we went to the Chicago Air Show. You want to see how many people can fit on a beach? Then go here next year. You literally got enough room to sit yourself down and that's about it. I came out of it with a new appreciation for pilots and sunblock. Turns out your knees really will get burnt if you don't protect them. I now have a snazzy line of red which looks like kneepads on each leg. Fun!

These people in front of us were a trip though. They were a group of 5-6 older people who were definitely drinking alcohol out of their thermos. We even sat next to a transvestite in a large brimmed hat. I asked "her" if I was blocking her view and she said, "No problem" more manly than many of my male acquaintances. I love this city.

Been real busy lately at work, so I don't have any links for you today. But remember, it's my personal national holiday so I'm allowed, right? Back to work.


My new favorite line from a movie: "Why is that goalie so pissed off?"


There was also a few interesting previews before it too. House of the Dead looked alright, zombies anytime are good. Although not sure how they end up on an island for a party and thought to bring amunition and grenades. New Texas Chainsaw Massacre is coming out too, but I have a feeling it's going to kinda suck. The great thing about the old one is that the actors were no names, almost "human". Whereas the new one has the chick from "7th Heaven" and it's directed by the guy who did "Bad Boys". So we'll see.

House of 1000 Corpses is out on DVD now too. Yay!


Quality of Life arrest?

Does this scare anyone else?

From Chicago Sun Times: As Marcus D. Jackson smoked dope in a blue Chevy Caprice, he had no idea anyone was watching, police say.

But about a block away, officers were monitoring his every move on a surveillance camera set up at Augusta and Pulaski to target crimes both serious and minor that bring down the neighborhood's quality of life. When they swooped in and arrested Jackson, the officers allegedly found $20 worth of pot and Ecstasy, a so-called "club drug," valued at $60. The 1:30 a.m. Saturday bust was the first one for Operation Disruption, which saw its first cameras installed two weeks ago. "What you are seeing is people are getting used to the cameras and going back to their old behavior," said Pat Camden, a Chicago police spokesman. "And we are there watching them." The officers who collared Jackson are part of a new 100-member team, the Targeted Response Unit, which is patrolling the West Side's Harrison police district, typically the city's most murderous place.

The unit swarmed into the area at the beginning of August and in a week recovered 11 guns, impounded 87 vehicles and made 284 arrests on charges ranging from gun possession to car theft. The goal is to discourage "off-duty criminals" like Jackson from committing more serious offenses than smoking pot, police said. Jackson, 22, was on parole for drug dealing and possession of a stolen vehicle. The 5-foot-tall man, known as "Shorty," admitted he was a Four Corner Hustlers gang member, police said. The car Jackson was riding in has been impounded, and a judge has ordered him held on $40,000 bail. He was charged with a felony for the Ecstasy and a misdemeanor for the pot. "We are looking at potential criminals who affect the quality of life," Camden said. "Sitting in a car smoking reefer sounds innocent enough, but you don't know what he plans to do from there." Jackson's mother, Susie Jackson, said her son posted bail and is free pending his next court hearing on Sept. 3. "He is nervous because he is on parole," she said. "He does not know what will happen when he goes back to court. This isn't fair. It's not like he was dealing drugs. I don't see how they could arrest him for just sitting there smoking weed. Most young people do that." Jackson's mother has seen the cameras and does not like them. "To me, that is an invasion," she said. Generally, though, the cameras don't violate the constitutional right to privacy if they're trained on public spaces, the American Civil Liberties Union says.

This morning our chinese exterminator posed this question: "Who do you think will be triumphant in the epic battle between Jason and Freddy?"

So I wondered, who do you think it's gonna be?

I'm torn: Freddy seems like he's more wily, but if the plot is that Freddy brings back Jason to use him and Jason figures it out and gets pissed, seems like that's the makings of a winner in the Jason camp.



Create your own story! It's kinda weird how it turns out.

The Christmas Bloody Rectum

Nobody down at the station was expecting THAT Christmas present. This year, like every other, they all put in a small gift, wrote names on pieces of paper and drew out the corresponding present.
"What did you get Sarge?" Asked Carol.
"EGADS!! Gov, You'd better take a look at this." There was a severed bloody rectum and a note, which read, 'You're next.'
Big John Simmons, who was very drunk and was attempting to remove and photocopy the duty solicitor's leather glove, started dancing round the photocopier shouting. "Anyone lost this bloody rectum?"
"Not funny, Big John Simmons", said Carol, "okay everybody, party’s over.."
"EGADS!! It's Kay Sadilla's bloody rectum," gasped young Bill (Old Bill's son), "I'd know that itty bitty bloody rectum anywhere."
"Tony, can you take a look at this," said Carol, "this shitty business is top priority. Any ideas?"
On closer inspection Tony finds a small part of an airfix modeling kit stuck to the bloody rectum.
"Humm, If I’m not mistaken, this is the rear tip of a 1942 Lancaster bomber, these little bits stick to anything but what they're supposed to. Looks to me like our killer used a modeling table to lay the body out on."
"What can you tell us about the killer Tony?" Asks Carol.
"Age, between 45 and 60, bit of a loner or trapped in a bad relationship, needs to be in control but feels like everything is falling apart. You’ll probably find the mamaw hands used to kill Kay Sadilla is, like as not, back in its place in an 'Ikea' storage solution. Also, the killer spends much of their limited spare time at your mom's. Losing the rear tip of the Lancaster could be what tipped them over the edge.."
"Any idea what the this individual does for a living?" askes Carol.
"Police officer"
"Are you sure?"
"Quite sure, if you look at the note you’ll see that it is written on police internal memo paper from this very station!"
"Young Bill," says Carol, "go and get that newly trained police Saber Tooth Tiger, it’s time to put it to the test."
The Saber Tooth Tiger went straight to Big John Simmons and indicated strongly that this was the killer.
"How on earth?" said Young Bill.
"Simple, it's the smell of the airfix glue," said Tony. "It never goes away"
"You’ll never make it stick!" shouts Big John Simmons.



So I woke up in a saucy mood. Do you ever click on a porn link out of curiousity then end up looking at all kinds of freaky things for the next 45 minutes. Yea, me too. Here's some I thought were good enough to share:

Name That Sex Toy! Test your knowledge of all things battery operated.

A Porn Industry PR's Blog If you ever thought you'd make it as a porn star, read this. It will probably change your mind about going pro, but you can always still pretend in your own bedroom!

A dildo doll? In case you not only want to masturbate with your dildo, but want to sleep with it too.

It doubles as a coffee table Here's some "furniture" to help you get it on in a ton of positions.

Reverse Cowgirl blog I haven't quite figured out exactly what a Reverse Cowgirl is, but it's a witty little blog.

Matt Lombard pics Some sexy, yet disturbing, but beautiful photos for your head from a cool chap (who I wish could bring himself and his lovely lady down for some more fun times!)

Do you abuse animals? Wanna see if who you know fucks animals for fun?

Extreme kidnapping If you want to be kidnapped, go here. Even if you don't, go here.

So there you go. Enjoy the links and have some fun. It's the start of the weekend, and so far we went to a nifty poster shop today called "Fame". Ended up with a Metropolis, Night of the Living Dead, and The Them posters for our pad. They even threw in an 8x10 of the original cast from Lost in Space. Can't beat that. It's going out of business, so go soon. Other than that, just hanging out at home today after our shopping jaunt. The bastards at Weather.com lied, it's hotter than 81 and that makes for a grumpy Miztress. Hot temps = cranky pants. Sitting at home means I'll probably be posting more links soon. So stay tuned.


Guess my new double dong will be late getting here.

Post Office Evacuated For Vibrating Package ... Uh, Oh!
Addressee To Be Notified Why X-Rated Stuff Didn't Arrive

LILBURN, Ga -- A post office and surrounding area were evacuated after a mail carrier came across a suspicious, vibrating package. X-rays soon revealed the box to be X-rated.

U.S. Postal Service spokesman Michael Miles said the package aroused suspicion from a carrier and his supervisor, who took the priority-listed mail into the parking lot and called police. The Gwinnett County bomb squad, U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and the Gwinnett County Fire Department evacuated the building and the parking lot Wednesday and shut down a nearby street. A high-tech robot was sent in to pick up the package and X-ray it. The X-ray showed wires and objects, Miles said. When it was opened, authorities found adult toys, including a vibrator and massage oil. The resident to whom the package was addressed will be notified of what happened, but will not be prosecuted. "Since these are all legal items, we won't be doing any follow-up investigation," police spokesman Cpl. Dan Huggins said.