Science of Sleep

To treat myself for finishing my essay paper early this week, we decided to forego starting my Sociology homework or packing and watch The Science of Sleep. In a word: Beautiful.

I'm not good at film reviews, but if I could be Michel Gondry's Production Designer for even 1/2 a day, hell if I could live in his brain for 10 minutes, I imagine it would be the most surreal, perfect, and educational time I could have.

He is a beautiful storyteller with gorgeous dream-like images to play along.

Check it out, and just try not to fall in love with Gael Garcia Bernal. I double dog dare you.


Harry Body

So I've never read the Harry Potter books and I've only seen one or two of the movies, but while reading my favorite trashy celebrity website I now want to suddenly buy everything related to the main character.

More boys should be naked with horses.

I'm back

It's amazing but by having your grandfather pass away, you can bring together your entire family for a week's worth of visiting, catching up, and reminiscing. I hated, HATED, having to see my little grandmother sad, but what a perfect way to celebrate someone's life.

He lived a simple life full of family, farming, and church. I rarely heard him raise his voice and he always seemed to get a kick out of everything. He was simply a nice man. It was a better world for having him in it.

But now I'm back and we're in our last week of living in Indiana before the move back to our real home, Chicago. theMan was blessed with a job that starts the same day my new one starts. Did I tell you about it? My old company wants me back and wants to put me in a position where I think I'll thrive. I am absolutely thrilled. Not to mention the awesome health insurance. I will never take health insurance for granted again.

So things are looking up and this is the first week I've been able to breath. In and out, full breaths without that depressing troll sitting on my chest. I've got a ton of homework, but I've also got an amazing family, close friends, and an adorable little baby I'm about to live 5 blocks from.

Life is good, even in death.


Bye Gramps

Tonight my grandpa ended his long and tiring battle with emphysema at his home with his son, one of his daugthers, and his wife of 60 years by his side. He was an onery, proud, strong, smart man that loved us very very very much.

I'll miss him always always always.


Who are you wearing?

Will Ferrell should win the Golden Globe for this alone.

"When Will Ferrell was nominated for best actor at the Golden Globes for his role in Stranger than Fiction, he wanted his wife Viveca to come to the ceremony and support him. Problem: the couple just welcomed their second son, Mattias, 2 weeks ago. So, attending the ceremony along with Will and Viveca was her breastpump, in case she needed it during the hours-long Golden Globes.

However, Viveca may not have expected her husband to include it in red-carpet interviews! When Will was asked what fashion accessory he was carrying this evening, he replied, "My wife's breastpump." He showed it off as if it was a purse, and then proceeded to outline Viveca's feeding and pumping schedule, before a reporter told him it was too much information!"


Fess Up

I’ve started reading Maggie Mason’s “No One Cares What You Had for Lunch” and have decided to incorporate her ideas at least weekly into this blog here.

It’s one of those New Years resolutions that I made: Be more entertaining to you all in 2007.

So the first topic to write about: How do you fail?

Wait, she wants me to tell you what?

How sometimes if my hair is greasy I’ll just straighten it and hope for the powers of the Chi Flat-Iron to hide my squalor? That I don’t rinse off the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher? I’ll just run it twice even though I’m supposed to be all about the environment.

That I cannot watch Steel Magnolias without bawling at the funeral scene even though I’ve seen it 1,000,000,003 times.

There is no way I could tell you about how I've failed at being a girl because I don’t wear blush. Only because when I was 16 and reading Seventeen Magazine religiously there was an article with Drew Barrymore and she said she rarely uses it, so I vowed not to either.

But if I told you about how somewhere in our house there exists a tape of me doing karaoke to love songs but how I was too mortified to give it to theMan as his gift and made him a card instead. That I was hoping he’d find it about 10 years after I was dead so then MAYBE then I could live with the mortification.

No, that’s just too embarrassing.

I'm Bossy

Guess who got the Director of Education to cancel group projects online in Sociology? And guess who argued her way to an A in Management?

I think I should have went to law school.


Down memory lane

You know how to properly stop taking yourself so seriously? Post embarrassing pictures of yourself on Flickr, that's how.

We got to looking through photo albums tonight so I thought I'd post a few for old times sake.

Go to this set here to see the 80's hair and the 90's grunge look done very very poorly. But really who did either of those well?

Maybe I should join the I'm so bershon pool! Maybe you should too!

Bye Bob, Spanx for the memories

Robert Anton Wilson died today. What a kick ass life he lived.

Go buy one of his books and assume the receipt will in some way have 23 incorporated into it.

Azure Violet

The lovely thing about having girlfriends is that when they spot a deal, they get on the mutha-grabbin' phone and spread the word. Such was the case when Mrs. T. showed up at our belated x-mas festivities last night with tales of $15.99 robes from Victoria Secret. Robes that are usually $69.00+.

Today I got up and met her for lunch and robe time because I just so happened to have a gift card left from VS. I wasn't totally stoked about their large collection, mostly the sizes ran medium to small and I'm a big gal. But I found the one I loved hidden back in the dressing room! You can see pictures of it in Flickr modeled by theMan who was a little too excited to try it on when he felt how soft it was.

I guess if Jake Gyllenhaal can do drag, my man can get excited about a robe.

The picture to the right represents what can happen if you have $5 left on a Visa gift card from your mom and decide to hit up the cheap jewelry store in your local mall instead of blowing it on a large Frappacino which will go straight to your hips anyways. 10 pieces for $5.00.

As Mrs. T & I walked around we both decided that even though 2006 sucked big gnarly hairy sweaty balls, the good thing was that over the last year we've learned to spend a lot more time on our appearance, for us and it makes us feel so much better. We do our hair, throw some paint on the barn and accessorize more and more every week. I was going through pictures of myself and yea...yikes. Why did we ever wait to start our jewelry and shoe fetish!??! We could have been doing this for years!!


Friday Fives-Day Late

I need a pick-me-up. Nothing picks me up like writing about myself, DUH! So here are some Friday Fives scoured from the interweb. Send me your link to yours, dudesons. There are also a ton of pics from our family x-mas in Flickr. Yea, we had x-mas in January complete with a gift exchange that involves drawing numbers and stealing from other people. WOOT!

Because I feel like such a mess, how about I focus on what I'm already doing well:
1. What is one healthy food you really, really like?
I'm pretty good at liking healthy food. I really love spinach leaves. Not cooked, but raw. Just call me Pop-eye. I feel sad if I only get iceburg in my salad. Like I'm getting ripped off.

2. In what area of your life are you especially well-organized?
My day planner, my shoes, my school work and my finances.

3. Who is someone you’ve managed to stay in touch with?
My best bud Jordan whom I met in middle school I believe. I really really really have valued his friendship all these years. We have a ton of funny stories, inside jokes and he's someone I've always felt comfortable around. In fact, he was my bridesmaid in my wedding. When he came to my cousin's funeral after I hadn't seen him in awhile, just seeing him allowed me to totally sob and break down. He's my boy, that one.

4. What bad habit were you able to break (or what vice were you able to give up), and what was it like going through that change?
I officially stopped smoking the herb this year. Not that I was a heavy user, I just gave up any last inklings for doing it period. It wasn't as tough as I had originally thought. I'd still prefer a good high to a drunk, but it just wasn't worth the hassle.

5. Someone out there, whether you know it or not, wishes he or she were more like you in some way. What is it he or she most likely admires you for?
Probably my sense of humor or my height, maybe my jugs. But hopefully my strength.

One more for fun.....
1. How high is your guilt threshold?

I'm sorry, have you met my mother or my sister? Or really, my father? They are all travel agents for guilt trips. Feel free to call their 1-800 number to book your trip today! (Said with the utmost love and respect of course. Please don't hate me.)

2. How strong is your resistance to sweets?
I'm sorry, have you seen my thighs?

3. How long is your fuse?
When the general times in my life are relaxed I have a medium sized fuse. When it's high stress, I'll issue a severe haduken to your torso and perform a little finishing move ala Mortal Kombat on your carcass. Left right, left right ABAB select start, bitches.

4. What is the quickest way to get you hot?
Kiss my neck. Please.

5. How sensitive are you to ambient noise?
If I'm trying to read, I need silence but I can sleep through anything. i.e. The police were called once to a band practice where I was sleeping on the couch. Rewind further: My mom didn't bother to wake me when our house filled with smoke and firefighters tore through our roof. I didn't remember a thing.

Resolve to Evolve

Want to know one thing I'm definitely not good at? Grace. I've depleted my resources. I've not been a very patient person, a very "trust the universe's plan" kind of hippie, let's say. As you can tell from my nearly psychotic drunk blogging series of late: sometimes I flat out lose my shit.

With the decision to quit my job, move back to Chicago, pack up this entire house and find an apartment in one month and hope theMan can secure employment, while starting business school again, I've gone flat out bat-shit insane. I lose my cool man, on numerous occasions, several times a day.

This is not good but all of those things were our decision I guess. Shoot the messenger and all that. The messenger being everyone in the world that crosses my path.

Tonight I sent a fired up email to my Sociology instructor because I didn't agree with doing group projects for an online class on this message board she created. I was pissed because of my group I was the only one doing the work and it is due Sunday by 12:00 a.m. Apparently everyone else in my group is waiting until 11:59 p.m.

The beauty of online classes are you can log in anytime...ANYTIME. The online feature is good for people that work day or night, that have kids that you have to wait until they sleep to do homework, internet connections that are only fast at 3:00 a.m. So how are you supposed to get on at the same time and do projects?!?!

I don't think I'm wrong for the email, but I could have worded it differently let's say. I maybe shouldn't have told her that this idea was frustrating and not happening and that I expected extra points if I did the entire assignment by myself on top of the other piles of homework due this week. Short of "this is teh ghey!!!111!! OMG!!1!" I was pretty irate.

I get fired up, I get passionate, I run my mouth. Probably why in the 6 months I've lived here I've written 3 letters to the editor. Having a year of therapy under my belt makes me want to see the good in this though. SO let's see, the good in being a reactionary: I make a good person to have on your team about an issue. I stand up for myself. I have so far been able to protect those I love. I don't back down from something I know is right. Um....I'll cut a bitch?

Sigh. I need to relax.

Lord, I'm so going to be that old lady that screams at people to get off her damn lawn already.



One of the only things I love about the holidays are the little holiday touches that normal products give to make it more "Christmas'y". For instance, I am now putting gingerbread creamer in my coffee in the morning. As you can tell by the picture above, I've made some hot chocolate from the mix my mom gave me for x-mas and topped it with peppermint whipped cream.

If I were Jesus, I would be totally stoked that his birthday cake could have candy cane frosting!! Wouldn't you?


Baby Shower

Now that the merchandise is out of our hands and into the hands of a very pregnant woman, I can safely recount our tale. My cousins and I were at Target last night, that's Tar-jehy in french for those of you reading from the northern parts of this continent. We had $80 to spend on a baby gift for Jenifer, collected from family members.

Because I do not do math outside of tips and work, I let Mrs. T. keep track of how much we were spending. Once the cart was full and we'd reached our limit we went to check-out. The cashier was kinda flirting with Mrs. T because she was telling him about her champagne punch she made on New Years. After it was rung up, we were $20 ahead of where we figured!

We unloaded the stuff, said good-bye to the other cousins and went back in for more. Once home when we looked at the receipt, we realized that cutie flirty cashier didn't ring up the baby monitors. We got baby monitors for FREE!!!

That just never happens. So in my excitement I call over to the other cousins house since they had been with us at Target but didn't know our good fortune. I assumed that the lady answering the phone was them so I spouted off my tale.

Nope, it was the momma we were buying the gifts for. I shout a "oh motherfucker," make her promise to like them because well, she can't take them back! and I hung up shaking my head.

Hey, I get excited when consumerism works in my advantage.

(More pics in Flickr.)


Friday Fives-Early!

It’s been awhile. In fact, I feel like it’s been years since I was actually entertaining. So not only am I going to give you 2 Friday Fives a whole freaking DAY before Friday is even here?!?!? I’ve purchased a book written by a blogger I love to help me come up with better entries. Nobody Cares What You Had for Breakfast: 100 Ideas for your Blog by the lovely Maggie. Should be here in all its autographed glory any day now.

My New Year’s Resolution for 2007, besides cheering the fuck up? I’m going to get more serious about my writing on here. So here goes...short of scrolling marquees and midi music playing in the background, I can think of no other way to entertain you today than having you read about what I think.

A Friday Five close to my heart and my addiction…


1. Are you related to anyone famous or do you have any famous friends? If so, who?

I’m a descendent of Clark of Lewis & Clark. Funny because my maiden name was Lewis and we usually can’t find shit or follow directions in my family. But hey. Famous friends? I have a feeling my pal Jen K will be accepting an Oscar any day now. Plus our pal Matt "Voice of Satan" Lombard has been doing wonderful things with art and moving on up in the world. I feel priviledged to know both of them!

2. Do you have any autographs or memorabilia?
I never feel right having people sign stuff to keep, so I just let rockstars feel me up. I have had KMFDM sign my tits, I had Kristoff from Bile grab my ass and I got on Oghr’s bus and got several grabs at his lovely calves while on stage. I think I have a rock star complex.

As far as memorabilia goes I just like first editions of books. I have several Neil Gaimans and I'm to inherit some others from various grandparents. I treasure books.

3. If you could meet any 3 celebrities who would they be?
Jack White—to play me a song to walk down the aisle to when we renew our vows.

Neil Gaiman-to ask him if I could be his personal assistant and do research for him.

Madeline Albright-so I could pick her brain. I love her grace and how she handles working with powerful men and still preserving her power and opinions.

4. What would you want to be famous for doing?
Saving the world. Seriously, I better have a good story when I die or I’m haunting someone’s ass.

5. Who's the most annoying celebrity?

Paris F-ing Hilton. Why does she exist and why do people think she’s hot? She takes women back to the stone age because even I want to club her and drag her around by the hair. She is a cum dumpster. Besides her, Britney Spear’s reproductive abilities.

and bonus round....

1) Who was your first crush? (Celebrity or average)

My grandparents next door neighbor probably. We played and played and played. He was the first boy that I could be friends with, so not sure if he was a crush.

2) Who do you currently have a crush on now?
Besides, theMan….would have to be Jim, from The Office. He’s my boyfriend, he just doesn’t know it.

3) Have you ever become so obsessed with a crush, you went to extreme measures to find out everything about him/her?
Um yes. Does google and imdb.com count?

4) Has your crush ever turned out to be your future girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yep. I crushed hard on theMan, stalked him at his house and his hang-outs, even showed up at his house to wake him up one morning. Tagged him and bagged him ladies.

5) Did a best friend ever turn into more than just a friend?

I had this really great guy friend the summer of one of my teenage years. We hung out, played basketball, talked, listened to music and one night we made out and his was the first penis I ever touched inside his clothes. I had absolutely no idea what to do with it either. The following day he moved and I never saw him again. Taking my class ring with him until my mom tracked it down. I assume I've gotten much better with the ways of the penis. No other man has left the state so far.


Oh dear god

I started school today online so I can get my Bachelors Degree in Business Management. My brain already hurts. I think I got too cocky about my abilities to handle this on top of everything else. Oh well, at least I have an excuse not to be on top of my game for the next 18 months. You see, I will be studying the HIV/AIDS epidemic this week in Sociology so I cannot POSSIBLY be bothered to look for an apartment or pack our belongings. I can't take the trash out, I had to determine which management style would effectively ease a new employee's tension on the job.

Um, sure.

Better go. I'm off to tuck myself in bed with Chapter One of "Effective Management" and a gallon of coffee. I'm assuming that doesn't say anything about using "swords" for motivation. I'll be sure to pass that on to my current employer.

You know, this is actually kind of fun. I actually missed school. Eeep.


Happy New Years!

Kiss my ass 2006, we're on to bigger and better things!

Hope you all are having a great big greasy breakfast this morning with your nearest and dearest while wearing dark glasses and pajamy pants.

(Ton of pics in Flickr. Thanx to the M's & the T's for a fabulous New Years! And thanx to Monkey for melting my heart.)