My Kingdom for a Gym

Today in the elevator I saw on the little TV that spits out random news bits a fact that 80% (or some high figure) of men that have desk jobs are overweight. After eating pizza and a cookie for lunch, including a Cherry Coke (gag) I'd be unshocked to learn it was just as high for women.

Back to the gym-time starts now.


I find that when something like my cousin dying happens, my paranoia sense sets in. Basically, I always think that it will be the last time I see people when I see them. Even when they are just going to the store or running an errand. Last night my grandparents brought my sister and her stuff up here to live and I could tell they were thinking the same thing as they turned to leave. My gramps said, “I know I’ll be seeing you in August, but I wish it was sooner.” No one wanted to stop hugging and saying good-byes. Later we got home and Sis started having an asthma attack, something that immediately brought me back to the days when I had to rush her home at top speed to get her inhaler and when our aunt, that looks exactly like her, died from an asthma attack. She didn’t have it so theMan took her to the store while I went to bed. I laid awake for several minutes thinking, “What if they don’t come back?” theMan and I had fought earlier and I was laying there mentally kicking my own ass for it.

I then tossed and turned all night with yet another dream of someone close, this time my sister, dying. The third dream like that in a row this week.

I suppose there is some good in these thoughts. You cherish each moment you have or you make sure the last thing you say before parting are words you really mean. But how long can a person sustain this heightened sense of paranoia?



Sorry for the lack of beautiful visuals, but someone/something downloaded one of my movies to the side there 1,400 times in one day. It ate up all our bandwidth for the month. So yea, I'm offline until Aug. 1st for any pictures or graphics.

Darn it.


How’s this for karma? My old job emailed me because I had asked about some forms and my work email automatically put their response into the “Junk Email” folder in Outlook. Heh. However, the good news is they are offering to pay me for an extra week of work so I will get a full paycheck from my old job. That news couldn’t have come at a better time considering I’m selling our TV tonight and possibly eggs just to make a car payment this month. Oy vey. So that place actually ended on a good note, completely not what I was expecting.

The new job is going well. Too well. I also learned that news travels fast here. Yesterday I impressed my boss by doing a PowerPoint presentation in 10 minutes instead of the day they thought it would take me and I no sooner get to the receptionist’s desk about 5 minutes later when a person from the other side of the office congratulated me on a good job! Guess that answers my question about “should I get on Yahoo Messenger at work?” NO. People know what you do here. So far everyone has been great though. Asking me out to lunch, making me feel welcome and generally offering support and help. Did I mention I just got an email that says they are all going out for 10 cent wings next week???? WINGS? I might never quit.

Tomorrow I go to lunch with my boss. He reminds me of my Accounting professor at college, even looks like him. I have to stop myself from calling him Mr. Smith.

So to all my Yahoo Messenger buddies, I fear I might be offline for a bit during the day. I miss you dearly though….especially my 8 hour chats with Erica. Thank god I can still check email.

Oh and the dressing up part of the job? It’s day 3 and I had to bring in my flip flops because my feat are covered in blisters and aches from 2 days of heels. I gotta invest in flats before I have to army crawl around the cubicle farm. I also had to re-wear one of my pairs of dress pants and it’s only Wednesday. So if any lovely reader out there is thinking of buying me a birthday present this month, I’ll take a gift card to “Respectable Office Clothes for Cheap but that Flatter Big Thighs and Tits.” I think that store is somewhere on Michigan Avenue for anyone in the same boat.


Beautiful World

It's amazing what a full 8 hours of sleep in the cool air of a fan and rain will do for your outlook in the mornings.

I can't make heads or tails of what happened to my little cousin, and even though I think about him constantly, I just don't know where to go from here. I think about Erica and what if it was my sister that died so suddenly. I could never have handled it like she did. I think about what if's and should have's, but nothing really comes to mind that could have changed it. So what does that mean? Was it fate? Was it concious decisions? I've never been a girl to give much credit to a divine plan and I don't believe in destiny but where do you go after something like this happens?

Well I'm rambling. There is one good thing that has come of this. I don't want to take my family for granted anymore. I certainly don't want to take those I love for granted and I plan on telling all of them more frequently exactly what they mean to me. Crazy or not, really relationships are all we have, right?


Oops there goes gravity

Hi there! I'm back from a horrible weekend that ended with a lovely visit from my buds from Ohio and one of the cutest babies on the planet. Sorry for the delay in posting, but I'm not sure what the rules are at the new job.

Did I mention the new job ROCKS MY SOCKS? I have blisters from wearing nice shoes but that is the only downside my friends. So far everything about it is world's away from my last crappy job which I will now permanently erase from memory. They even took me out to a great Asian restaurant yesterday for a 2 hour lunch. They must know the way to my heart is through chopsticks.

Anyways, I won't go into just how shitty everything was this weekend because it cannot be put into words. However, all the calls, visits and hugs from friends and family left a permanent warm spot in my soul. So thank you.


Hard Days Night

Some new photos...I'll be back Sunday.

-Ghetto film shoot pix here. If ever there was a time for "scratch n' sniff" blogging....
-Things that are making me smile.

The only highlights from this extremely sad and shitty week are the following:

1.) My therapist called me because I forgot our appointment in all the sadness. Her words following my story were: "Jesus Christ. Don't sweat it, you've got a lot of shit going on." Seriously, what doctor says that? I'm going to have her babies.

2.) Spending time, although sad, with my cousins, particularly a night laughing through the tears with J. & Tanay.

3.) Finally quitting this fucking job today!

4.) Matt's organs have been passed on and already we know about one person's life he saved due to his liver.

5.) You all. Thanx again for all the emails, phone calls and such to our family and me. It's much appreciated, more than I can put into proper words.



Driving towards total heartbrokenness

I had to go back home yesterday because I got one of those dreaded middle of the night phone calls. My cousin (and best friend's brother) was killed in a car accident on Monday night.

The entire family is severely fucked up, pissed off and completely heartbroken. I'd consider my life a long one if I never have to see any of them this torn up again.

The worst part was that it was all over the news and they wrote it like he was just some drunk driving lunatic which was NOT the case. He was heartbroken and depressed and couldn't take it anymore and I wish with every molecule of my body that he could know how much he meant to all of us.

Every single one of us.

I'll miss his cheshire grin for a very long time.


In the ghetto

That was some seriously warm weather this weekend, no? Imagine it trapped inside a house that smells of cat piss and cockroaches. Egads. Thank god the people were amazing and fun or I fear I may have gone mad.

How we passed the time:
-Made a point system for how many people in the room vs. how many people saw us when we would flash each other.
-Stared in amazement at the people who sit on their porch all day long and just yell at each other.
-Stood hypnotized at the police camera system on the telephone pole down the block.

Pics coming shortly.


Tammy! Bring yo' ass back here!

Last night I finally got to be on set and helpful in the ghetto film. We started at Columbia filming a rehab scene and a hospital scene (which my mom got major love from the crew for supplying us with a real IV bag and rigs). Then headed to the ghetto for some exteriors complete with firing guns and crack. There are armed police officers on set now so that makes me feel TONS better.

I got that feeling back too. That "damn, I love being on set" feeling.

I'm actually excited about being there all weekend when before I was kinda dreading it since I'm under a lot of stress at home. Speaking of home, I thought we secured a great apartment last night. It was complete with central air, huge closets and a great granite kitchen but we got a call after a couple hours that they were going to let a single guy have first dibs. Fart. I thought I had that moving thing wrapped up. Oh well, keep looking.



I'm going to start a store. A store called "PMS" and guess what it's for? It's for women during that special 1-2 weeks every month where they feel like they want to kill you and your first born if you don't stop standing in front of them on the train or calling into the office to see if the fax they just sent came through.....

But I digress. The store will sell chocolate, of course, mashed potatoes and salted products like chips and have huge couches and beds complete with vicodin IV drips for cramps and bloating and because, hell, why not. There will be random men tied to things so you can pelt them with soft bats. These men will also make spicy love to you even if it's "not a light day" because for some reason God, being a man, makes us VERY HORNY when we know we can't have the lovin's. As I say in my house, "we'll just put a towel down." Wow, that might be a good slogan for the business card.

Oh, and no cell phones will be allowed or I'll shove them up your ass.

Anyone feel like joining me?

About me

A survey, because I love talking about myself and I like reading these on other people's blog. So steal this like I did and fill it out. Then leave your link in the comments.

10 Years Ago: I was 16 and I believe close to losing my virginity at my friend's house in the wee hours of the morning. 2 lessons learned that night: 1.) For your first, start small. 2.) Do not, under any circumstances, try to flush a condom down your friend's parent's toliet. Well and 3.) God won't listen when you beg him to just let the freaking thing go down the drain already!!

5 Years Ago: Egads, I was 21. My favorite age so far. Honestly I can't remember. I think I was finishing up college and we were moving into a new, bigger house.

1 Year Ago: Putting the finishing touches on the script and filming the zombie movie we sadly never finished. :(

Yesterday: Another frustrating day at work, swamped and stressed. Came home & waited by the phone for the ghetto film to call until I finally gave up at around 8:30 p.m. and went to the grocery store only to get the call there and couldn't come and help, thus leaving Jen K. hanging. Ugh. Finished up by forcing theMan to start reading the Sandman comics and passing out.

Today: I couldn't even muster up enough care to put on anything other than my pajamas for work today, if that tells you anything.

Tomorrow: One week down, one week to go.

5 Snacks I enjoy: Chocolate, pineapple, banana chips, granola, chocolate covered any of those.

5 Bands I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs: Dave Matthews Band, Beatles, Nine Inch Nails, Radiohead, Pink Floyd

5 Things I would do (selfishly) with $100,000,000: Never work again unless on film sets, build a huge castle on some remote land, have a room just for handbags, live in another country every year, have way more GWO's.

5 Locations I’d like to run away to: Italy, UK, Ireland, Japan, Spain

5 Bad Habits I have: I pick my nose, I anally clean the gunck out of my toenails with tweezers, I bite my nails, I'm lazy, and I frequently overeat.

5 Things I Like Doing: Lifting weights, reading in bed with theMan at night, having sex then falling asleep naked, eating dark chocolates from a box just for me, and book or clothes shopping.

5 Things I would Never Wear: Micro-mini skirt or hot pants, turban, long skirts that drag the floor, tapered leg jeans, and my god....spandex.

5 TV Shows I like: No more cable at my house, and sometimes I miss it.

5 Biggest Joys at the Moment: Moving out of the wood-paneling hell, my sister moving up here, leaving this god-forsaking job, it's summer, and I'm still at a reasonably good weight loss total.

5 Favorite Toys: "The Corkscrew", x-box, bike, Chucky (if I don't say this, he will kill me in the middle of the night with a hammer) and Mr. Cooley our porcelien pug.

Your turn.

GWO Defined

In case anyone ever wonders why I spend money on airfare and long car trips 4 times a year to be with my GWO's....

here ya go.

Yes, these ladies pack wine in their diaper bag.



Because I'm a slow blogger and this week is turning insane, go see Erica's pics from our recent weekend.

And if you don't find this hilarious, you have a ice water in your veins.

Miss you girls.


The next day

Awwww...the day after the drama. Even the bike ride in the rain didn’t bother me.

I don't think I've mentioned it, but for the past couple weeks my sister has been staying with us and I’m enjoying it to no end. Not just for her extreme talents in the culinary arts department, but the fact that she brings the level of fun up in the wood-paneled apartment. We laugh more and that’s never a bad thing.

It seems like everyone I know is changing up here now. My sister is here and out of the ghetto. My friends are all moving on to separate apartments with different people. We’re leaving the wood paneling and jobs behind for greener pastures. Change though scary, can be good eh?

I realize now why leaving this job was a necessity for mental health (as Dr. Happiness put it yesterday when she called me to check in). Since I announced my departure everyone has had nothing but negative things to say. Literally, every single person that works here. For instance:

-Co-worker No. 1: Well, it’s not like you’re not replaceable.
-Co-worker No. 2: So what will you be doing? Administrative Assistant? Oh, so you mean just a secretary?
-Co-worker No. 3: Just don’t expect it to be great.

I just smile, because I know they take comfort in this basement hell hole and I no longer have too.


Quit Update

So my boss calmed down and pulled me into his office and was very understanding, complimentary and sweet. I'm glad I'm leaving work on a good note.

I Just Quit

My boss is pissed I didn't give him a month's notice because it's "customary in a small company." Oh well....this feels great. I just have to get through the next 2 weeks and NEVER EVER LOOK BACK.

OH and

I feel terrible about what happened in London over the weekend. What the fuck is wrong with the people on this planet? You aren't mad at the average man, you are mad at government for crying out loud!! Not that you should blow up anyone, but killing someone just trying to get to their shitty job or whatever, that's bullshit and you should rot in a special kind of hell.

Gone for so long

I'm back now after a great GWO but an extremely shitty Sunday where I spent most of it crying and stressed out. If I didn't have the satisfaction of turning in my resignation today, you might read about a girl in Chicago that went crazy and started breaking stuff at her shitty office in the basement today.

Revenge will be mine!


He's okay

Firstly, thank you for all the calls and emails I received about my little bro! He's going to be okay. No internal bleeding and no hemmoraging of the brain. However, by the looks of him you wouldn't know.

Apparently a cop's son, Hal Utterback for those of you from the Ville, was turning and hit him. Kevin was thrown through his windsheild with no helmet. He can't remember anything about it, not even riding his bike in the first place.

Thankfully after surgery, he had about 5 places in his face broken but he also only lost 2 teeth. I've uploaded some pics that he had us take at the hospital. When we got there he was pre-surgery and was refusing pain medicine. This boy was hit at 6 a.m. and we got there at 3:00 p.m. and he had refused them all day. He kept saying, "Kitten, smile! I'm not dead." But god.

Anyways, you be the judge. Just don't look if you are quesy or eating.

Kevin 1,
Kevin 2,
Kevin 3. Poor guy.

Side note: I just got offered a job by the bad ass place that I wanted to work for! They are currently ordering me business cards. Woot!



I'm headed to Indiana now, I guess Kevin has to get emergency surgery. Please lend some thoughts and karma his way.

Poor kid.


I got one of those early morning calls that you know aren't good. My brother Kevin was riding his bike to work this morning and was hit by a car that pulled out in front of him. He went through the windshield the opposite way and is on his way to a hospital in Indianapolis for some scans and reconstructive surgery.

He is going to make it, but he has some severe concussions and will need surgery to repair is face and eyes.

If you're the praying type, maybe put in a good word for him.



My elbow is now red and hot and hurts like hell. I'm doing ice treatments, advil and my anti-biotic medicines as directed. Anyone else ever have this problem? The elbow is not a place you want sore and swollen because it hurts like hell when you have to type or run it into things.

Maybe I could get a week off work? That would rock.

I hurt my elbow

I uploaded a TON of pictures from our weekend back home. It was filled with hiking, swimming, hanging out with family and even a neighborhood scuffle when the neighbors thought they'd get shitty with our grandparents for our firework display, not realizing all 10 of their grandchildren were there and do not take any shit. The only bummer was I had to go to the ER mid-fireworks because my elbow swelled up and hurt like hell due to brusitis. Having 2 needles stuck in my elbow is not a scenario I want to recreate anytime soon.

So anyways, go see the pictures and check out my gnarly elbow. I only wish I took pictures last night at the barbeque of a friend of ours. Lots of beer and Roman candles do make for an interesting evening.

Happy 4th!

(There are more in Yahoo! albums too.)


Bag Lady

If there were any questions as to whether I have ovaries and estrogen, let me tell you a little secret I have.

There is this glorious Matt & Nat bag (the green one) that I love and it resides in a little handbag shop on Michigan Avenue. I usually stop in before my therapy appointments and visit it. There is sense of dread as I search for it because for some reason the store owners move it around weekly. Then I spot it. Awwww. I pick it up, unzip the pocket, very very gingerly, then scan my brain for a rationalization for spending $120.00 on a bag.

Alas, there are none so I put it back in it's place, but always behind the pink one so no one else will be tempted. Today on my way to get lunch, I stopped in to see how she was since I hadn't seen her in at least 3 weeks.

I about lost it because it wasn't there! It took me until I had picked through the clearance table in the basement to realize I was actually freaking out over a bag visitation. Even though I'm certifiably insane I went ahead and asked the clerk who told me it as down a block at their new store. The new store is complete with an entire wall of Matt & Nat!

So what I need to find out is, is there a stalker law for handbags? I might just need a restraining order against myself.

Sexy Farmers

Because they opened my eyes to 75 Naughty Nurses and the wonders of a well planted garden, I have added the link to the sexiest farmers you will find.

Go visit Moondance Ranch to learn more about organic foods and why I changed most of my eating habits.

And if you're lucky, they will invite you over for an omelet and some cuddling.

God damn it

Go over there and show her some love.

And so help me if I read one assvice comment, I'll cut you.

Come on down

Last night I had a dream that I was sitting in the audience of an awards show. Sure, that was wierd, but the part that really took it up a notch was that men kept coming up to me and kissing me, very very tenderly. No tongue, just that movie-style one hand on my face 3 kiss technique. I woke up seriously confused. One after another, kiss smile, squeeze my hand and walk away. The very fucked up part was I could smell them. All manly and gorgeous. And they were some I recognized, some from high school and some complete strangers.

So come on you Freuds? What the hell does that mean?

Secondly, have any of you watched Eyes Wide Shut? Does Tom Cruise absolutely creep you the hell out in that movie or is that just me? I think of him as a demented midget in that flick, especially when standing next to Nicole Kidman. Ugh.