They really like me!

Just got back from interview numero dos and WOW! I want this freaking job. Interview No. 1 was "eh". Everyone had suits on in the office and honestly, that's not my bag baby. However, the building it was in was crazy nice. Marble everywhere and a HUGE fountain in the center. But this place.....I won't go on and on, but let's just say as soon as she mentioned the sentence, "Sometimes on Friday they let us off early to go to the beach." I had to grab a tissue to clean up the drool.

The best part? I got a call from my recruiter about 30 min. later and they loved me! They want me back to meet more people there next week!! THANK GOD.

Time to go back, yet a-freakin'-gain to Old Navy. I cannot keep looking down to make sure my pants are falling off in the second interview.

Today was theMan's last day however. So there are a few black clouds, the poor guy.

(Side note that is more than a side note to E's ovaries: You lazy bitches better get it in order in the next day or I'm coming in!)

Warning

If you saw a blonde/brunette walking around by the Sears Tower bright and early this morning with her stained sweater tucked into her Hello Kitty underwear because her now too big dress pants (which was figured out at 10:00 p.m. last night) don’t have belt loops to hold them up, that was me.

Oh, and if you looked down and noticed her toes were a little wonky from a fucked up pedicure I just HAD to have done last night. No cause for alarm, that was just me...at an interview....still unable to pull it together.

Side note: Interview went well. Now I have to run to Old Navy before 12:30 for another interview and talk them into letting me wear what I buy out the store door!

Turns out

Turns out at the exact same time as I posted earlier that I was waiting on the phone to ring for an interview...they were leaving me a message on my cell phone for an interview! And this time it's not with a recruiter but with an actual company!! A company that we use to get information from at our current office.

HOW COOL IS THAT?!

Wish me luck, the interview is the day before my July 1st deadline. Egads.

King Dong

....patiently taps fingers on desk waiting for phone to ring about job interview.....

-The King Kong trailer looks half decent.

-I want to submit a photo to this site but I can't think of a good caption.

-I want to also live here.

-Thanks to a chap on frogpunch, I'm addicted to this site.

-Hummer? Never brake for hippies.

Photo Journaling!

I've been playing around with Flickr.com a bit today. So I made a couple albums. First of all....I'd like to introduce you to theMan. I mean, the newly improved theMan.

He will be totally embarrassed, but I want you all to see how much work he's done on himself. A total of about 40 lbs. in 6 months all due to hard work and eating right. Let's give him a big round of applause!

Secondly, I thought I'd do a little photo journal entry about a typical night with Kitten & theMan! You too can experience the wood paneling in amazing techni-color!

And there is only one dimly lit picture of myself in the bunch. So there.

Okay wow

I am on hiatus from taking anymore pictures of myself. At least for a month. Geez.

I love homos!

Sweaty
Originally uploaded by MizVoid.

Okay, I've added way too many pictures of myself in my flickr account. Chris, my new favorite homo, set me up by covering all the red with brown and making me not even miss the red. In his honor, and the fact that it's Gay Pride Parade Day...this round is on me.

Traitor

With my impendng hair appointment tomorrow to get my beloved red covered up with a more neutral color, I sit here feeling like I gave in to "the man". I love love love my red hair (as if you couldn't tell by the 500 pics I've uploaded), but I hate my job and as long as I can get it put immediately back in, I guess that's okay. It's only hair right? But am I letting the system get me down? I was all fired up about not changing for a stupid job, etc. I suppose I'm still not, I'm just changing to get past the interview process. Ugh.

How stupid is a culture that judges you based on your hair color!?! Have we gotten past skin color and moved on to more nit-picking? This affects NOBODY but because I might harm a first impression with an employer, I need to tone it down at least for the interview process. I feel for that 500 lb. girl that had to get a special chair. Jesus. At least I can go to the salon and lay down some bucks to change what someone might not like. Can you imagine someone having to warn them before you go in about your weight? I would be mortified.

Yea, it's just hair and changing it a bit might land me a job that doesn't make me want to take a gun to the top of the Wrigley building on a daily basis. That's not giving in too much. Little do they know that after I'm hired, I'm turning it blue, pulling out my goth clothes and only speaking about myself in third person. That will show em' you can't judge an employee by their interview!

So a little change: Onward, brunette hair and all.

(Thanx to Mr. 525, Mrs. T. & Jennifer for the compliments on how I handled that dumb ass recruiter, by the way. I needed it that day.)

Sugar & Spice & Everything Nice

Time for that 1:30 p.m., mocha light frappacino, Friday, work day slump....so why not show you babies!!

In 2 short weeks I get to go back to Ohio for GWO and cuddle up with the little monkey as well as her new best friend, Ava. I plan on fasting for about 3 days prior to boarding the plane because once I see these two in person, I'm sure my insulin levels will blow off the charts due to sweetness consumed.

I know I'm not technically their aunt, but that's what I call myself because "your mother's friend" is a bit long in the tooth for a one-year-old. Let me tell you though, I llooooovvvvveeee being an aunt. I swear theMan has to shut me up from gushing about how Gracie sits on her own or Ava's tiny little legs and hands. I've already started the paperwork to borrow against my 401K for all the adorable little Halloween things from Target I plan on buying this year.

It's not just about buying them things, I realize. But I'm 200+ miles away darn it. I figure when they grow up and need advice on boys or how to explain to their mom they just dyed their hair purple, I can give them that too.

I'm such a sucker for them too. For once in my life, little babies crying doesn't bother me. I imagine when Gracie starts talking here shortly, the minute she figures out how to say, "Aunt Kitten" I'll be just a puddle with a floating credit card on top for her to grab with her chubby little fingers to use at will at Toys R' Us.

The best part, besides having these adorable little creatures on the planet, is that my friend's are rockstar moms! Completely, utterly inspiring. They love their kids fiercely, isn't that what we want from parents? Awww...makes the world seem like it's not spiraling towards the opening scenes from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Salud!

Last night the feature had a big ol' production meeting with all departments at a swank little tequila lounge complete with $3 cherry margaritas. So if this is what Hollywood is like, I'm in! I finally got to meet the Director who was very sweet, and as a bonus the two french lovely ladies in the wardrobe department that were constant entertainment. I fear I might be quoting CoCo for quite some time.

Man, I love Chicago. I think I will really miss it if we ever leave. For instance, as we were walking home about 10:00 p.m. last night from the cafe, we stopped in the square where a bluegrass band complete with stand-up bass and cello were playing for a huge group of folks and their kids for free. 10:00 p.m. on a week night and for free? In my hometown the only thing open that late is the gas station.

And even though it's humid as all hell right now, summer in Chicago is incredible.

Anyways

I just got back from what an interview at a recruiting agency SHOULD be like! They loved me, my outfit (Thank you Erica for making me buy this thing my husband hates!), my resume, my attitude. No, they didn't think the hair was a great idea for interviewing but they presented it in a respectful and tactful manner that actually made me agree with them. I only need to change it for the interview process since I'm competing with a lot of people, once I'm hired, do whatever I want. And they promised not to set me up with places that wouldn't allow my creativity once I'm hired! I wore jeans to this interview as a test and they didn't bat an eye so I think she was being straight with me.

Thankfully they have a couple places and hope to have some interviews next week all above or within my salary requirements. The cherry on top? They know my boss and co-workers and understand why I want to leave! Finally someone making me feel sane I'm interviewing with that sees this change as a GOOD thing.

Awww...I feel better. Keep those fingers crossed for us though. theMan has an interview tonight too. Eeep. One week until July 1st to meet our goal!

Last night I also got to divuldge into serious film meetings until about 1 a.m. which makes me even more excited about pursuing this career. I love everything about film-making, with one exception. The locations for the feature I'm doing in the ghetto is 100% grade-A G-N-A-R-L-Y. She is a bigger lady that can't get around well, so there is a trashcan full of pee by the bed. She also can't get upstairs so her cats just go up there and shit on the carpet. Literally years worth of piles of cat shit. Thank God I'm getting paid for this one.

Now this is a good day.

There won't be nothin' if you don't start nothin'

Guess who had 2 long apology voicemails on their cell phone yesterday? Yep. I did! From that dumbass recruiter. So I called her back and accepted her apology with the condition that she tell them it is red, not pink since people have enough preconceived notions about stupid shit like that anyways. I also told her I would NEVER change my hair color for an office job. If she can get me on as Art Director, then we'll talk.

So that's that. I handled my business. ;) I also contacted another agency, the one that got me this job, and I meet with them this week.

This morning we rode by a film production and I swear I saw Matthew McConaughey sitting by the craft service table. Hmmm....sure makes me wish I was on a set today instead of in this stupid cubicle. One...more...year....

Man, without cable I feel so out of the loop on what's cool. Do you know how refreshing that is? So quick, fill me in...what celebrity should I be depressed about because I don't look like them? Hee hee.

I pick my battles and my nose

After about 10 minutes of stewing I called back at the office and asked to speak to the manager. Guess who the manager is!?! That stupid bitch recruiter. So I got flustered and said, "Nevermind" and hung up. Of course, I'm sure she knew it was me, since the secretary asked for my name before she passed me on. So I pretty much assume I'm done there. There was only one job I was interested in and it didn't pay any more anyways, but the worked sounded like fun.

However, I have gone way past my limits with this place. Like my cousin said, "I wonder if she also warns people that as a recruiter, she is blind and incompetent." Fuck it, I'm done. Especially after having me put Taco Bell on my list of job experience. That and equating my hair with the 500 pound girl that needed a special chair. Yes, I can't make this shit up...she really said that.

One good thing I got out of this waste of time was she said there were companies that loved my resume. So at least I know that is fine!


Seriously? Is my hair that big of an issue? She did say she had to warn people if they have a nose ring....somehow that just doesn't seem like the same thing.

Onward and upward, red hair and all.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

That fucking recruiter called and they have a place that loves me but wants to know if I'd change my hair for an interview. I told her that I felt this was ridiculous and I felt offended that she would even tell them about my hair BEFORE I met them.

It is red highlights and blonde hair and there is no way it is right that she should "warn" people about my hair before I go in. She said, "I think it's more pink and it puts my company at risk. I had to warn them about a girl that weighed 500 lbs. once. But they loved her and hired her and just bought her a bigger chair! They love your resume and your stability!"

Turns out the place pays less than I make now so I said, "You've got to be kidding me. No way. I'm not going to change my hair and I'm certainly not doing it for less money!"

WHAT THE HELL???? I'm calling her supervisor at lunch. This is ridiculous. This has got to be the dumbest bitch I've ever dealt with in my entire working history.

Plans

Over alot of red wine at a B.Y.O.B. Thai place this weekend, we planned our next 10 years together. This is exactly the reason restaurants in Chicago should not let you bring alcohol to dinner from home! Especially if they are located next to a liquor store.

So, listen up GWO, I'll be having a baby by 33 because apparently that's when I'll be finished with production work on this great desert epic trilogy Jen K., Jose & I are going to film. So, save your kids clothes for me.

Oh, and does anyone want to contribute about $7,000 so we can make this epic trilogy out in the desert this year? I could get you a tax write-off?

;)

Puerto Rico is intense

Yesterday we went location scouting for the feature we're doing this summer, Black Girl. (Yes, there are 2 mid-western, middle class white girls doing production design for a inner city ghetto film....I don't know either.) This trip took us out to the ghetto and through the Puerto Rican Pride parade.

Let me tell you....after seeing the pride (doing donuts in mid-traffic, constant honking, all manner of clothing made out of their flag, people riding on top of cars Teen Wolf style, and the decibel level of screams and constant honking) this country doesn't do shit for the July 4th celebrations. God damn.

Rockstar

Friday night turned excellent very very quickly. Dirt (theMan's cousin) told us to meet him at the Metro at 4:30 to hang out because his band, Society 1 was playing that night. We got there but ended up fighting with security since we didn't have any passes or anything. I finally quit asking those power hungry peons and waited by their van until someone came out. Thankfully, persistance paid off and after his sound check, Dirt came out (with the help of his lovely and sweet band mates) and led us backstage into their dressing room.

It was sorta funny because with all the high security they were throwing at us, once Dirt got out there and made us follow him back, NO ONE stopped him. Of course, he's about 6 feet 7 of black metal brick wall too.

Anyways, we hung out in their dressing room for a bit, met some other bands and caught up with Dirt. He's such a sweet guy, it was nice seeing him. Later we checked out the show and spent some time with him at the merchandise booth.

I'm so glad we waited around to see him. I know theMan missed him a lot and even though it was fun being rockstars backstage, it was nice to hang out with Dirt and see him in action. It makes me excited to move out to Cali (he lives there when not on tour) and comforting to know some family will be out there to welcome us.

How about you do your job, and I'll do mine

I just got back from yet another FRUSTRATING and probably pointless interview with a recruiting agency. It started okay, I filled out the forms and waited with bated breath. My first clue should have been her first reaction to my resume: "You've only worked 2 jobs?" Yea, you stupid bitch. 2 jobs for the past 8 years! It's called LOYALTY to a company. What the fuck? Then she says, "Well did you work anywhere during high school?"

Never in my entire career as an adult have I had to list where I worked in high school. Mostly because I'm pretty sure my short stint as a Big Bird skater for children's parties and Taco Bell isn't going to help me in any career I choose, especially an office career. But yep, I had to list it.

Then she tells me my scores were all great for the stupid, outdated typing/MS Office tests but that I am "funky" and might be hard to place because of my hair and tattoos. Let's work through that last one. I have red highlights and one tattoo band around my ankle. I don't have a mohawk or neon green hair. I don't have tattooed naked lady sleeves. I have one simple ankle bracelet which can be covered up with pants. But my hair??? What in the holy fuck does that have to do with my ability to type a god damn letter?

She says, "It's too bad you couldn't have got that tattoo on your arm instead so it could be hidden with a sleeve."

I have NEVER EVER had anyone comment on this before in a job interview or recruiting office. Because guess what? I CAN WEAR PANTS, in fact, I'd prefer it.

So I left super frustrated. She had 2 jobs to place me in, only one of which I'm actually interested in and it pays the same at this at least. So we'll see if I get the interview. I was sooo pissed when I left I blared some Dropkick Murphys and screamed/sung until I felt better.

This is bullshit.

Oh, and I have to work this weekend. I was just informed.

We have a tea bag situation

I wish this blog hadn't turned into my own personal: What I'm doing today. Sorry. Right now I just don't have it in me.

So might as well follow the theme right? Yesterday I was forced to leave work laying prone in a cab moaning to the driver like a woman in labor due to stomach cramps so bad I felt like I would either puke or shit my pants. Let me tell you, that is one of life's hardest decisions. Do I put my butt on the toilet or my face hole? Which would I rather clean up off the floor? There are just no good answers to that one.

I did stay at work long enough to schedule an interview tomorrow though, plus call and find out about an apartment. How's that for priorities!?

During my time off yesterday I watched one of the last season discs of Sex & The City that theMan graciously rented for me. I realize quoting a movie on a blog, let alone in person, is sorta lame...but I gotta pass on my absolute favorite line from this entire show, so bear with me:

One of the characters just got married and she's very neat and proper. Her new husband just moved in and is a slob. For instance, he leaves his tea bags all over the house. So at lunch the 4 ladies are sitting around and Charlotte brings it up.

Charlotte: "Living with Harry is great and I'm trying not to be so rigid, but we have a tea bag situation."

Another lady: "Oh honey, just breathe out your nose."

Damn it.

To have and to hold

So here are the new goals: New jobs for both of us by July 1st, new apartment by August 1st. I've been applying for about 3-4 jobs a day since Monday, with a few scattered last week. So far I've gotten 2 responses but they are with recruiters. However, I'll take what I can get.

I also got a lead on a great apartment (the one we really want) and the only one available is because they are kicking out some alcoholic. Nice! Hit the road drunky, I want your apartment! I'm suppose to call him back in 2 weeks.

Come on, no whammies.....

Electronix

This morning I woke up and knocked my alarm clock off the table and it broke clean apart. Sunday I stepped on the scale and it showed I had lost 40 lbs. Our DVD player is now freezing on almost every film we watch. The blender sounds like it might be dying a slow, but loud, death.

It's been a stellar week for electronics in our household. I think I'm going to wrap my vibrators in bubble-tape so nothing bad can happen to them.

Mikie is fucked

My co-workers are watching the live AOL coverage of the Michael Jackson verdict at their desk. I haven't actually been following this, in fact, I don't know what he's even charged with except I imagine something to do with molesting kids.

However, my psychotic co-worker summed up the impending verdict perfectly: "Well, they will either say guilty or they won't buy it."

Um, no shit?

Urban drama

Did I tell you that one of the films I'm working on for this summer (the Boyz N' the Hood type one) is going to be very interesting? We are in the position where we tell the "buyers" where to get what we need for set design and they will buy it!!! They have a prop master, costume dept., make-up/special effects...so really I get to just design and dress the sets with Jen K. But I get to tell other people to go thrift stores and such to get the actual set items. We even have production assistants!

Although Jen K. is the Production Designer so she has to oversee all of us and make sure it all flows, so it's not "just" dressing and designing the sets-it is actually work. But still, we have people at our disposal to help!!!

How fucking sweet is that? A buyer? Our own personal buyer for a film? I almost feel spoiled!

Mall of America

I did something this weekend that usually ends with me in tears and shoveling fist fulls of cheesecake in my mouth to console myself. I went to the mall and tried on clothes in stores I usually cannot fit into anything in. And guess what? I fit into things! It was so much fun! I actually went into store and tried on things. I know, big deal right? But it is a big deal when you normally point yourself immediately for the "plus size" section without any hope of trying on cute stuff.

Woo hoo! And when I got on the scale yesterday and it told me I lost 40 lbs. in one week, I almost bent down and kissed it. Sure, the thing is broken, but I haven't seen that weight on a scale since 10th grade.

My day off on Friday went wonderful. It was exactly what I needed. I did everything I said I was going to do plus got to see some hispanic gang members fist fight on the beach. Lovely. But I must tell you about something big that happened...

I went to my first screening for the Wednesday film I did with Ben. It was interesting seeing something I worked on with about 30 people I didn't know in a theater. Very surreal. His film just so happened to be the last one, so I didn't realize I was so nervous or even why I was so nervous until I had bitten off a nail or two waiting through all the moody, sorta predictable student films. Then his came up and people in the theater actually laughed at the jokes and made positive comments. When my name scrolled across as Mannequin Wrangler/Art Director....well, I was on cloud 9. I think I called everyone I knew that night. So yea, this is DEFINITELY what I want to do for a living. What a payoff too, after all that work, seeing other people enjoy it? Yum. Sign me up for more!

Flickr

By the way, I've started a Flickr account (see the link to the side there) just to see how it works. So far I like it. I just put a few random images in there, but feel free to browse.

Groovin' On: Acid Jazz at coffeeshop.

Always a bride, never a bridesmaid

I'm pretty sure I've told you guys about my mom and her addiction to all things matrimonial. Well, she's at it again. She's due to hitch her new beau this fall. Surprisingly we will not have to sit in the House of Guilt, a.k.a. the Mormon church for this round of nuptials. She decided to have it in a tasteful little chapel in the middle of a State Park with a full out reception in the park's quaint hotel. (Yes, thank god, there will be a full bar. Plus, knowing my family, someone will have some decent weed on hand to get us through Numero 5.)

When I heard she was getting married in a little chapel with no electricity, I thought, "Wow, maybe this one will be low key and simple and maybe, hell, dare I say...Elegant? Tasteful?" However, everytime I hear about another detail I get rudely awakened to the fact that momma-dear loves her drama and the details just get bigger and bigger.

Thankfully I stopped having to be in the wedding party on Number 3. I absolutely hated Number 4, so I dressed super slutty, all in black and sat with Mom's best friend in the bathroom trying to talk her out of it. That didn't work but I was in the Mormon church's bathroom and mom was already in the dress, so I didn't have a lot of things on my side. Once lace and silk touch mom's skin, it's all "Sure I can work and pay your bills and raise your kids! You stay home and treat me like shit and eat all the food, you fat fuck. I love you!" and there is no stopping her.

Do I like Number 5? He's okay. They fight alot and he drinks more than I know she can handle. Plus mom still plays her old relationship tricks. Neither one is ready for it and I just keep thinking, "why not just live together?" However this marriage is on greater stakes. This time there is a little girl involved that wants nothing more than to have a mom. So if it doesn't work out, the only one really hurt will be that little girl. So what's the line between being supportive, not caring so I don't have to think about it and worrying about that little girl because she reminds me of me and all those years of hoping for a stable dad?

And when should I tell her that a lace jacket with a train is not something that even Dolly Parton would wear to a Grand Ol' Opry showcase?

On the Seventh Day

I'm currently sitting at our favorite cafe at 9:00 a.m. typing some script notes, sending out resumes and drinking an Iced Chai Latte. The only thing I have to do today is pick up my pottery and go to a screening. If my cell phone rings and it's my place of employment, I fear I might throw the phone out in traffic. I cannot believe how stressed out this week has made me.

I was actually fearful last night that I really just dreamed that I had today off. Ugh.

Anyone need a bad ass assistant?

Shut the fuck up

I told my therapist today that I felt like just telling people to shut the fuck up. I feel like telling myself that too sometimes.

Today I went and unleashed the full frustration that I've been holding in. I sat down, didn't even say, "Hello, how are you?" It was all "fuck this and fuck that" for an hour. She, being incredible awesome laughed when appropriate and simplified things after that. Bless her.

I get back to the office feeling empowered, when I overhear my PC telling the others that I'm going to get most of her job duties because she's being transferred. To say I left bawling to walk amongst the dumpsters for awhile, would be an understatement.

The bonus? I got a free small frappacino because the check out girl couldn't figure out how to make my debit card work. FINALLY, I fucked Starbucks over! After all those crappy cold Cafe Mochas, I get my revenge!

I need a nap.

Doog Socat

All week, every single night, I have felt totally drained by this job. My boss has been having me do little tasks all day long, the phone calls never stop with requests that have me running all over creation and today he has the nerve to ream my ass because I parked in his spot while he's on the beach in Florida. Christ.

You could say I'm burnt the fuck out. I should have quit a long time ago, and had another job came available I would have. But it looks like yet another position I tried for isn't calling me back so I'm stuck, still. Ugh.

I never thought my love of the show COPS would come in handy. But because this director has hired 2 white, middle class girls from the mid-west to do Production Design on a Boyz in the Hood type film complete with crackhouses, well....COPS it is!

Tomorrow I'm calling in "sick" though, and I can't wait. I'm going to the beach, picking up my pottery I painted and not answering a god damn office phone for an entire day. Woo-hoo!

Testes, Testes, 1, 2, 3

Okay, no more fart posts for awhile. However, if there was a way to do a scratch and sniff card of them on here, you bet your sweet ass I would have!! Because by the end of the day I started to appreciate their power and sometimes the things you make with your own body need to be shared with the world!

Um, okay, maybe not.

Oh and it's hot here. Like 95 degrees hot. The only sane thing to do in weather like this is take a quick, cold whore-bath (where you only wash the necessities), run into the bedroom and fling yourself down in front of the fan until you fall asleep. Just so you know.

The job search is going okay for theMan. He got a twice-monthly job at our local coffeehouse, but I'm not sure how that's going to work out. I would personally love it, but theMan has never done food service before. So we shall see.

We've also decided to move this September, in Chicago still, but to a new apartment. I think we're going to try to get into an apartment building of a friend of ours since we know the rent is the same and the place is MUCH nicer. I silently weep in anticipation when I think about the kitchen in it, but oh well. We'll see. I feel weird, like "Hey, we're moving in! I'm stalking you!" But she's been in our place, surely she knows the effect of that much knotty pine on one girl and boy. So keep your fingers crossed. I want out of this fucking wood paneling before I lose my mind.

In what I believe was an an attempt to smooth over their dog waking us up, the new neighbors folded all of our towels that we left overnight in the dryer. Wow. I have now vowed to stop screaming at the top of my lungs: "JUST FUCKING DIE DOG!" whenever the little black wonder starts in.

I also have the opportunity to work as co-Production Designer on a new film with Jen K. that we get paid for! Since I quit the feature due to sketchy contracts and budget issues, this is right on time. Plus, I'm going to a screening for the "Wednesday" film I did this Friday. Eeeeep....my first viewing of my solo Art Direction career.

To wrap up this little post, I will tell you what I did yesterday to my co-worker. The one that loves to call me fat, etc.? He threw a post-it note pad at me and it hit me in the head. Little fact about yours truly: If you hit me in the head, ANYWHERE, then you have just signed over your life to me. I've been known to pick a certain someone up by his neck and take him up a flight of stairs for hitting me with a rolled up ball of socks. But anyways....

I took the post-it note pad and turned around and threw it, totally aiming for his chest. Guess where I got him? His right testicle. Aww, sweet sweet revenge. A dish best served cold, or in this case, a dish best served with a 45 degree angle and decent velocity.

Creeping death

Last week I reported in one of my tidbits that if you didn't want your cubicle to smell like a slaughterhouse, you shouldn't eat egg whites daily. But no, I have misreported and misrepresented my little friends, the egg whites. It was not them in their yellow-y protein filled goodness that made the creeping death spill from my white delicious hind quarters. Oh no, it was maltinol.

We narrowed it down to waffles & syrup or egg whites. And today after making myself lose my own appetite on my little silent killers, we got our answer. We bought this new syrup that is fat free and made with a sweetener called "maltinol" so it would be very low in calories. It actually tastes great too, just like syrup. But now we know the reprecussions from straying from the naturally sweet goodness of real maple syrup.

When consumed, you cause your co-workers to look at you in horror, while you utter a muted "sorry" and hurry them out of your cube.

Now doing a search on Google will not bring any answers. However, I am 100% positive that little sweetener is what is causing my ass trauma. Your stomach gurgles about an hour after eating it, and it's just constant LOUD, smelly farts, repeated over and over. You fart, feel better for about a minute, then the gurglings start again. Today, they were mercifully not loud, but my god....

I have now named them "Maltinol Bombs." Please, Mayor Daley, can we issue a warning siren not unlike those for a nuclear attack or impending tornado?

Summer

....

This weekend I was woken up with breakfast in bed! So how could the rest of the weekend suck after that? In fact, it didn't. It was fabulous. SO great, that I'm calling into work on Friday if all goes to plan.

I went to this great little pottery place by myself with a purse full of lunch and a jug of iced tea and sat for 2 hours in blissful quiet and painted on Saturday. There was a group of girls for a bridal shower type thing in there. The bride picked the background color and the theme (flowers) and each girl was going to make her a plate. So basically her dishes will all be hand-painted by the people in her wedding. I just thought that was kinda cute.

Yesterday after a huge breakfast with friends, we each got a full body massage from the lovely Ms. Shelby. And when I mean full body, I mean FULL BODY. She worked muscles I didn't know I had. Forearms, my belly, my hips, even my hands and feet. We even found a big ol' knot in my shoulder blade that almost made me cry, but in a good way. I made her some fudge mint brownies as trade, but after that I think I owe her about 14 more batches.

Finished up the gorgeous, hot weekend with a picnic with Jen K., Jose, Jzn and theMan down by the lake in a cool wind. We traded puking stories and laid in the grass until 10:00 p.m. Lovely, lovely evening.

But something happened at that picnic that I'm not even sure I can do justice to in words. We were sitting around when these 2 twin girls, maybe 6 years old, straight out of The Shining came up to us. One put her hand on theMan's head in sort of a blessing type way why the other held her hand out over the food and sorta hissed and grunted. These girls were maybe 6 but not ONE word was spoken the whole time. They then stepped back and one girl knocked the other over on the ground. Then she returned back to our picnic on all fours and crawling on hands and knees back to our picnic and repeated her grunting and hissing and hand waving over the food. The other girl put her shirt over her head and fell down hard on the ground. The whole time their movements were like they were on fire, but no one but them could see the flames. After about 6 minutes the mother and fat older brother came over and dragged them away. BUT STILL NOT ONE WORD WAS SPOKEN. We later saw one of them run out into traffic with her hands in her hair like she was tearing it out.

I seriously cannot tell you how fucked up this was to witness. I would not have been surprised had they levitated or their little heads spun around.

Between the hissing, the waving of hands and the running around like they were on fire IN COMPLETE SILENCE, I think I will be okay if I never see anything weird again in my life.

On my speakers: "Smells like Funk"-Black Eyed Peas

Blessings

Okay, when a big turd floats up to the top of your cereal bowl of life, I think it's a good idea to count what's great. So here goes:

- I have a well-paying job that I can tolerate.
- I have a husband who is willing and able to get another job.
- I have a free full body massage scheduled for Sunday because Shelby ROCKS.
- I have 7 bottles of chilled champagne in my fridge and 2 seasons of Sex & The City still to watch.
- I have 2 girl get togethers scheduled during the next months which will include shopping and babies. (Babies, especially my friends and their babies, make my freaking year. And surely if you've been reading this long, you know what shopping does to my groin region.)
- I need a belt for pants that looked like they were airbrushed on last year.
- I have pancakes, endless fruity pancakes at my disposal.

It's not all bad. Despite our financial situation I've got friends, family and my sense of humor. This certainly should keep me in good spirits while we're dealing with the turd floating business of job finding. People in other places have it much worse than us, right?.

Mitch

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, "No. But I want a regular banana later, so...yes."

I got turned onto Mitch Hedberg by 2 different people in the same month. One was the little cutie at the coffeeshop, who made me take her laptop over to my table and listen to his full routine. Then I worked on a couple films with guys that could quote his comedy routines complete with his brand of slow stoner delivery. Both of which caused me to lose my shit until I was almost crying. However, by the time I got around to getting tickets for his show, he sadly passed away in late March.

Now, I've got 2 hours of routines saved on my work computer to get me through weeks like this one.

P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Oh Jack

To add to my bummer news lately, Jack White married some skinny model.

Big surprise.

Sometimes

In leiu of therapy today, I went and did one of the things I absolutely adore doing. I went to Borders, got some tea and sat and looked through several photography books until I finished my tea and was properly sedated.

It's better than drugs sometimes.

Pass the Chocolate

I read recently where blogs are only good when there is some sort of drama to read about. If that's true, then it should be a edge of your seat day here at Just My Blog for you.

In true bullshit corporation fashion, my boss pulled me into his office last Thursday to tell me they were going to lay off my husband. Thus giving me the responsibility of telling theMan myself. In fact, they must have assumed I did a great job of passing on the news because theMan had to go up to the Boss's office yesterday and drag it out of Boss-man. ("Prick" *mutters under breath*)

So yea, theMan has 2 months of pay coming to him, then nothing. I'm sure we'll be fine eventually, and I know theMan is going to bust his ass looking for a new job. It just sorta blows since we weren't looking to live here but another year anyways and quite honestly, we were living pretty high on the hog. It was comfy. That and making huge efforts to pay things off. I can be thankful that we did get a few large things paid off before this news.

Last time this happened back in C'ville, 3 months later we moved to Chicago and it's been great ever since. So maybe this is the labor pains of another little evolution in our life. Who knows. I just know I'm the worry-wart of the family and I'm doing my best to hold my shit together without hiding under the covers.

I shouldn't have cancelled therapy today. But maybe that is my way of hiding under the covers, eh?

Cakes

I almost forgot another tidbit of advice from yours truly:

3.) If you are eating a free sample of crab cake while waiting at the meat counter at the grocery store, don't get choked and cough thus splattering crab cake all over the glass case. It will cause you to turn and decide to get your split chicken breasts at a later time.

Farts

Thanx for all the good compliments on the new blog design! Joelle rocks, what can I say?

I thought I'd share a few tidbits with you today, some things I've learned lately.

1.) This is the best cookbook I've ever used. I have not been let down once by any of the recipes. They are easy enough for those of you who don't love cooking or don't know how, and fancy enough to entice those of you who got your cooking skillz to pay da' billz. The bonus for those of you looking to be healthy or lose weight? Every single meal is completely balanced in protein/carbs/fat and actually fills you up if you eat the right portion size. L-O-V-E it. It doesn't even go on the shelf, it sits on my counter because I use it almost daily.

2.) Do not eat scrambled egg whites every morning unless you want your pants and your cubicle to smell like a slaughterhouse.