Wounds

Because I can't read in any vehicle or moving object, I look over theMan's shoulder on the train and pick up bits and pieces of whatever he's reading in the mornings.

Today it was Osho's "Awareness" and a part struck me. Mr. O was talking about responsbility. The fact that we are responsible for how we feel. His example was if your wife is being mean to you and you get angry, you are responsible for being angry. Your wife is being mean because that is something in her. She would be mean to whoever was in the room, it doesn't necessarily have to be you. That blaming your anger on someone else only puts the responsbility on that person, not yourself. And as we know, you cannot change anyone else.

So he says when a feeling comes up, ride that feeling back into your past and see where the original wound stems from. Osho believes that because we do not live in awareness, all or most of our feelings in the present come from the past.

When you find the original wound, don't judge it, deny it or scorn it...just look at it from an outsider's point with compassion. The moment you find this wound, give it awareness and it will heal immediately. He says it is due to the fact that the wound was originally made unconciously, so giving it conscious awareness will make it disappear not hide in your subconscious somewhere.

My thought was that what if healing this wounds feels scary? Because those wounds are familiar and what we've always had that we think makes up ourselves. What if not having any wounds and living truly in the present is scary because we do not know how that person would feel or act to be. Even if we're angry or sad, it's how we've been. What if you like those wounds?

Ya-Ya

It's absolutely beautiful out today. A day so lovely you can feel it in your bones before you even step outside. The moment I woke up and turned over to bury my face in my husband's back, I knew, it was not a day to be stuck in a basement with the most neurotic human specimens on the planet.

On our way to the train, basking in the sun, all I could think of was that I should be outside painting sets today in this glorious weather, not inputting accounting or typing reports under flourescent lighting while a cloven hooved harpy sits one cubicle over talking at 100 decibels to whoever will listen.

Calgon, take me away.

Patsy is one sad bitch

What started at noon as an hour long project to get in the sun a bit and work on the set, ended up lasting until 7:00 p.m. tonight. But damn it was worth it.

I've added a new photo album for my Set Design album up in my Yahoo! photo sets. So you all can see what I'm up too! I'll add pictures as I go.

I'm finding I am falling in love with set design. It's a mixture of a lot of things I really enjoy: carpentry, painting, designing, and at some point, photography. Plus, I'm helping with costumes. Jen K. has graciously offered to help me get in with a couple other film projects too. I'm thinking that getting more and more films under my belt is an extremely good idea. Wow, to one day get paid for this work is something I can barely grasp. It's not often you can spend your Sunday working, but loving every minute (except the cold, stupid Midwest).

Of course, I must admit, I spent my Saturday night watching an entire box set of Sex & the City until 4:00 a.m. I gotta balance my feminine and masculine side, ya know? I can't be sanding and painting all the time! ;)

You are now watching

Instead of going to a party I was invited too, or uploading pictures of my crack like I promised, I'm up late, by myself, nursing a horrendous migraine and watching this gorgeous film. And honestly, I'm sorta creeping myself out.

The first 15 minutes are truly beautifully ghastly. I just can't get over the colors. Despite what I anticipated, there is realatively little gore in this film.

I've said it in the past, I'm not good at movie reviews. But every once in awhile there is a film that makes you turn off the tube so you don't ruin the memory with something else. Yea, Wow.

Not so good for Jesus

Happy Good Friday to those of you believing in "the Jesus" or "the bunny."

I'm tired, absolutely beat. I wish I could get paid to be this tired, but I don't. I get paid to stare at a computer screen all day and listen to people berate me for things I don't care about. And that is why I sent my resume off to about 15 places yesterday. Come on, no whammies!

Last night as I was taking theMan to a show, a large group of hispanic people dressed as the Last Supper crossed the street in front of traffic. Here's a tip from a motorist: Listen, I know you're dressed like Jesus, that doesn't mean you won't get hit by cars and die painfully.

I have nothing inspiring to say. I'm just working over on a day I was suppose to get off half day (15 minuts ago), it's FUCKING SNOWING again and I'm beat.

Maybe I'll take a picture of my crack later and post it to lighten the mood.

Dr. Happiness House Call

Sweet, sweet Dr. Happiness. I hadn’t seen her in three weeks. You didn’t really think I’d have gone without telling you, did you? Some insurance mix-ups, crazy times at work and busy home life made me put it off, but I’m glad to be back.

It was comforting, but this time it was almost like a wrap-up. I told her about certain situations in my life and how I have been applying what I’ve learned. She seemed pleased and made me feel like there was hope should I get down and out again.

I told her my favorite part of all this is that I no longer feel shame, at least in the same way, for being Kitten. And that, my dear readers, is the most gratifying thing I’ve ever experienced. I told her I feel more “normal” and “healthy” than I have in sooo sooo long. I never knew how to define what I felt, that it was shame for not being like so & so or not feeling a certain way or not thinking a certain way, but I don’t. The shame I feel is miniscule compared to 6 months ago.

I did tell her I feared the “other shoe would drop.” Actually, she asked me if that’s how I felt and I agreed. She assured me that I’m smart and that I now have tools to apply if and when I do get down again.

We also discussed the eating/working out thing I’m currently on. I told her it felt different this time. Sure I was nervous I’d go back to my old habits, that I couldn’t really envision myself getting through it sometimes. The thing that’s different is that I don’t feel like it’s punishment or that I feel deprived. I’ve been doing it for 8 weeks now and I haven’t felt like “giving up” once yet. I’m nervous to make that public for fear of me failing next week, but honestly, I think it’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.

No shame, right?

Happy! Joy!

Man, a little shoe therapy goes a long way. I'm happy today. I'm happy with myself, my accomplishments, my friends, my skills, my creativity, what I'm doing with most of my life.

And I'm happy with my new shoes.

Ever have one of those days?

Bleep?

We settled on the couch last night and were prepared to have our minds blown. And that, is exactly what happened.

We watched "What the Bleep Do We Know?" and honestly, I am not sure if I can put into words how it's running around in my mind right now.

Several things impressed me and made me think even after I woke up this morning:
1.) The affect of emotions/thoughts on water molecules. If that happens when you think negatively about a glass of water, what about us who are made up of, what 70%, water?
2.) The way negative reactors attach to our cells and when the cells divide they take the negative reactors with them and push out minerals and vitamins, which cause us to age.
3.) The way "love" or any emotion we feel is basically not about any other person but how our brain reacts or is addicted to those emotions.
4.) That each of us control our realities in the world, so that makes each of us connected.
5.) It's not the eyes that see but the brain that sees, like a tape in a camera. The lens being the eyes. So wouldn't our brains be telling us what we're seeing?
6.) The story that the Indians on the Carribean islands couldn't see Columbus's ships coming in because they had no way in their realities of knowing what a ship would look like. The shaman (I think?) noticed after several days the water ripples and eventually saw the ships on the horizon then when he told the others, they could see them too.
7.) The studies of people, large groups, meditating for periods of time to bring down the crime rate by 25% in Washington DC. Just by meditating. So wouldn't what each of us do, affect things in the world more than we think?

I'm am sooo not doing justice to this movie or the way it makes Quantum Physics incredibly easy to understand. Just see it, but see it with someone because you will want to discuss it afterwards.

The one item I really liked, which I have struggled with for some time is the part of God being separate from us that we all must look too, worship, etc. Very very good explanation of this in this film. Which came surprisingly after we watched a George Carlin interview where he summed up religion to my humor....

"There is an invisible guy up in the sky who looks down on us and sees everything we do and has 10 rules which he wants you to follow. And if you don't! He will send you to a firey, burning, awful place where you will be tormented and burned and in pain for ever and ever...but he loves you! And he needs your money!"

What a night.

30 lbs. of man meat missing

This past weekend involved a couple parties with enormous amounts of incredibly tasty but unhealthy foods. Since theMan & I have been on the quest to get healthy (notice I didn't say DIET, hate that word) he is Mr. Willpower and I am usually considerably less. Mostly due to my medical condition. I have a disease when it comes to dipping. I must dip a food in something else. And when you go to a fondue party, well? I'm pretty sure dipping healthy apple slices in sinful dark chocolate is not canceling each other's fat content out, it's all I'm saying.

I'm not putting myself down, however. I'm working very hard. I haven't had fast food in over 2 months, I can mostly make good decisions and I've stuck to all organic foods.

However, theMan has now lost 30 lbs. and seeing him at the party eating nuts while I'm elbow deep in the cheese fondue pot with anything I can get my hands on, I was in awe.

30 FUCKING POUNDS.

To be fair, he's started the heathly eating trek before me. He was cutting portions, etc. since Thanksgiving, but still. I can't get over it. And with his weight loss has come another revelation about myself. (It is my blog. You knew I was going back to me!)

I like a man with muscles.

Now, I'm not talking about big gnarly veiny muscles or those muscles that make it look like you have no neck. I'm not even that into 6 pack abs. I'm talking about beefy shoulders, muscular legs and a strong chest. A man that looks like he could pick you up. It's absolutely yummy. I'm all the time coming up to him and squeezing him or biting his shoulder blade. I just like it so much.

So if there is one motivation for me, it's him. He's come a long way and he looks fantastic. If he can look at a bowl of chocolate peanut butter fondue without pushing other partygoers over to get to it, then so can I.

Well, mostly.

This is just a test

This is not the new and improved template I was telling you about, that will still come in 4 to 5 weeks from Ms. Joelle. However, I wanted to play around with some free templates today while I waited.

So here goes nothing.

BMW

Lately, as per usual, I'm in that 2 week slump again with my job where I desperately want out. This morning a guy in an expensive car blew through a stop sign when we were tyring to pass. I immediately thought to myself.....Wow, those kind of asshole are who we help in the business I'm currently employed in.

That sucks.

I also looked up when I got off the train and said out loud, "I would not miss working downtown."

Time to send that resume adrift on a sea of job applications.

Dad

Reasons my dad is fucking awesome:

1.) He'd drive us to Indianapolis in his truck so we could play with the weird things at the mall and watch "Roger Rabbit" 14 times.
2.) During those trips we'd all share a "family coke."
3.) Besides my mother-in-law, he was one of the first family members to tell us he was excited about our Halloween wedding.
4.) He acted like Elwood Blues, even doing a dance, all the way down the aisle.
5.) I didn't mind being on "commercial duty" while he was taping either Star Trek or a marathon of Twilight Zone on TV.
6.) He painted the entire bathroom silly for us kids when we were little. Complete with a rainbow going into the "pot" of gold.
7.) We'd get to pick out one of this t-shirts to sleep in and whenever we got stuck with only white ones, he'd spice it up by telling us it was a white bear sitting in the woods during a blizzard.
8.) He'd read Calvin & Hobbes comics to us to fall asleep complete with voices.
9.) For Christmas he gave us a painting of a hearse.
10.) He's 50 today and is one of the funniest people I know.

Miss you dad. Happy Birthday!

E I E I O

theMan got his first professional haircut in years (since I've known him) but he didn't get it from Peter, instead a guy named Vlad. Who, we learned last night, one day didn't take his anti-psychotic meds and tackled another hairdresser in front of clients.

Man, this is all I remember last night at the party after the wine, delicious fondue and laughs totally stole my fun memories. I'll be sure to stay away from the pent.

You make me feel like dancing

Some ramblings that make me happy....

1.) If you like rock and you haven't got the new Mars Volta CD "Frances the Mute," then I can only pity your delicate ears for not being able to hear the perfection that is this album. theMan picked me up a copy last night....crap, someone get me some freaking tickets to their next show!

2.) The film Project with Jen K. is going great. I couldn't be more in love with the fact that she doesn't mind my incessant list-making and she barely flinches everytime I shout out my anal retentive "PLEASE GOD DON'T BE PUTTING THINGS NEAR THE WATER HEATER FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Although after spending last night in the cold trying to build, I've caught the sniffles. But fear not wood! Me and you shall do battle again this coming fortnight!

3.) The Animation Project with Jzn was so great last night that while we were writing dialogue, we were actually causing ourselves to guffaw out loud. Hopefully our viewers will have the same reaction.

4.) Big fat weekend planned involving fondue, cordless drilling, Orgazmo, a kegerator full of locally brewed beer and shopping. My god, the possibilities.

5.) It's Friday at 3:17 p.m., my boss is in Florida, theMan has left me the car so I don't have to take the train with all the other grumblies at rush hour and I just downed a Grande Chai (non-fat thank you very much) Latte. Awwww.

I could type all night.

Hired Help

I've decided to go more personal on this blog. What's that you say, Kitten? More personal that rehashing every therapy appointment? More personal than telling us the placement of each skeleton on the Halloween undies you're currently sporting?

Yea well, but more personal in a "not using blogger template" kind of way. I've enlisted the talented Joelle from Moxie Designs to spruce the place up a bit. I've got some graphics I'm going to use from a couple of my favorite artists and just because I know it's killing you, I've even given you a hint at the top of what the theme is going to be based around.....go on, give it a look. Right under "Just My Blog."

I have to wait 4 to 5 weeks though because Joelle is in that high of demand! But I can wait, however, every single day that I have to see this color scheme makes me that much more excited.

You knocked me down

Thanx to Pants, I'm currently listening to Joanna Newsom on repeat ALL. DAY. LONG. The perfect song for my mood.

But it's late in the day
and you're well on your way
what was golden went gray
and I'm suddenly shy

And the gathering floozies
afford to be choosy
and all sneezing darkly
in the dimming divide

I have read the right books
to interpret your looks
you were knocking me down
with the palm of your eye

This was unlike the story
it was written to be
I was riding its back
when it used to ride me

We were galloping manic
to the mouth of the source
we were swallowing panic
in the face of its force

I was blue and unwell,
made me bolt like a horse.

Now it's done.
Watch it go.
You've changed some.
Water run from the snow.

Tuna Balloona

Yet another great recipe last night and VERY easy for anyone on a time crunch that wants to eat healthy, and heck, you could even impress a lady friend with your cooking skills.

-Get a tuna steak from your grocery store & let marniate in a bag with lemon juice (and white wine if you have it)
-Heat skillet up & add cooking spray to pan.
-Take tuna steaks out of marinade, coat each side with a "Blackened Steak/Fish" seasoning (I like Magic Chef) and put face down in skillet for 2 minutes.
-After 2 minutes, turn over, cover skillet with aluminum foil and let cook another 7 minutes.

Eat and enjoy! I served it with some asiago/garlic/pesto ravioli but really you could eat it on a bun or with baked fries as well.

YELLOWFIN TUNA (AHI) NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION
Serving Size: 4oz. (112g) RAW
Calories 140g
Calories from Fat 15g
Protein 25g
Fat 1.5g
Saturated Fat 0g
Total Carbohydrates 4g
Dietary Fiber 0g
Sugars 0g
Cholesterol 60mg

We got wood

I never realized I was the kind of girl that got so incredibly turned on by the smell of over $100.00 in 2x4's and the fact that I now own my own toolbelt.

Go on, dare me to make an armoire. Double dog dare me.

Beautiful

The always articulate and lovely Cecily has a post up about "Girl Culture" that I would like to share with my readers.

It's a post I've been swirling around in my head for awhile but couldn't make heads or tails to write. I thought about it: at Christmas when I asked my mom why she bought her god-daughter a "Bratz" doll when they looked like sluts and she said, "That's what she wants?" Or when I hear one of my gorgeous girlfriends talk about the parts of themselves they don't like, when all I can do is be jealous. When no matter how much that scale says or how I see my clothes fitting, I never quite feel "enough." These are things I wanted to write, but Cecily does it for me.

I have a friend, actually a couple, that have sweet, gorgeous little girls now and I shudder to think of them having the body image problems the females of this generation currently have. So what can we do as parents or friends or relatives of these girls (and boys too, I don't think it's just girls) to help them not feel this way anymore?

And as she says in the end of her post...well...you really are though, you know?

Moo-cakes

I get several phone calls a day from my sister, yesterday being no different, which I thoroughly enjoy. We likes to talkie, ya see. Sometimes it's just to pass on info, like she was watching people strip a car in less than 2 minutes in front of their house or that she picked up a new name brand sweater for only $20 at some bargain place. (We don't pass up a sale.)

Last night being no different, she called because she just had to tell our pal Jzn a new phrase she learned from some breakdancing homies in her 'hood. So I told her I had to share it with you all, just so you can be that hip as well.

And thus I present to you: "Keep yo' game tight, playa."

You can make up the context it's used in at your will. I plan on slapping theMan on the ass when he's on the way to the bathroom and dispensing with the phrase so he remembers not to pee on the floor.

This morning I wake up and have this in my email from her.....Rocket Man. Sis, when are you coming home!?!?!?

I got a slick reputation for handlin' broads

Damn, what a great weekend.

Saturday, my cousin/sister/best buddy came up for a Peter makeover (that sounds dirty, doesn't it?) If you want to see the full transformation go here She was definitly yet another satisfied customer.

We talked, went out to eat and made her even more gorgeous! How can that be a bad time??

Today, I had to work some overtime, but thankfully I got to do it in my pj's at home. And I didn't have to miss meeting up with Jen K. for film planning discussions over a White Chocolate Mocha. Starbucks can suck it though. I'll take my litte cafe over them anydays.

As Dave Letterman once said to Paul on his show:
Dave: "Paul, when you think of Starbucks, what do you think of?"
Paul: "Fine, quality coffee?"
Dave: "Yea, well apparently they aren't in that business anymore."

Anyways, just a little recap. I don't feel as though I've been very entertaining to you readers. I'll see what I can do. At least I finally changed my random pic! ;)

Nighty-night.

Blogger Blows

I had several posts stirring around in my head recently, topics I thought would maybe cause a chuckle or at least some conversation for you guys, but because I couldn't get into Blogger for two whole days, I was cut off. You know how people didn't need cell phones 5 or so years ago but now we feel weird or anxious when we forget them at home? I guess I've now grown that way with Blogger. Sad really.

So this post is sorta boring, just telling you what I'm up too kind of post. But the topics are things I'm freaking stoked about.

Things have suddenly turned quite frantic for me. Jen K., lovely director that she is, has made me Art Director on her latest film. We've created a monster set too which has to be built in a month. (32 feet long, 12 feet high) It's the largest thing I've ever built. I'll try to post pictures when I get enough sleep to remember how to take them. There have been a few late nights, but it's the kind of late nights you don't mind. Like staying up watching a good movie or talking to an old friend over coffee? Yea, like that.

Also, my partner in crime Jzn & I have been working on a short animated series the past month too. Last night before I picked up the paint brush to work on the set, we got to type "THE END" on our first ever script for Episode One. Awwwww, feels so good.

Of course all these things leave my dishes piled up and more than a few nights trying to eat something healthy from take-out places. However, I'm now on DAY 40 of project "eat healthy or be fucking insane" and it's going swimmingly. Plus, I'm now down to every two weeks for therapy appointments. So yea, I feel good.

Okay, back to pictures, my rants on sex and scary government related links tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Erica!

In honor of my cousin/sister/best friend/diet partner/therapy analyzer/one of the only sane people in my family, I will now present a slideshow of her lovely life through the art of pictures.

(Since she is dieting with me, the order is backwards so we get skinnier as the pictures go by.)

-A fellow Halloween supporter.
-What beer and bubble bath will do in a $300 a night hotel room.
-See?! She even dressed up for our wedding!
-I think we were separated at birth.
-Hot pants on a summer afternoon.
-Discussing world politics, I'm sure.
-Turkey Run, a home away from home.
-Us in our bikinis.
-Erica, may you always be this excited at your birthday party!

Donkey Calves

I was going to boast about the fact that last night I was a total meat-head and maxed out on the calf machine. I got up to 300 lbs. I was tough as hell, even matching my husband on the leg press machine. "Bring it!" I said to anyone that could hear.

I even thought about posting a pic of my muscle-riddled thighs (I swear I can almost see muscle through the hail damage), but then....
I read this, and it makes me feel very small and scared and my calves not so important.

(For added punch, read the comments.)

What we want to know is

After analyzing this story, what we want to know is: What did Geoff say to make her *snap* and do this? He must have said something that made this chick turn absolutely in-fucking-sane.

See what happens when you turn a horny chick down? Cripes.

(Link thanx to Jzn.)

You wrote bad checks

Thanks to Pants, I'm currently listening to some absolutely delicious Bright Eyes this morning at work.

Oh wait, I take that back. Even more delicious is the Killers.

Smile Like You Mean it, damn it.

Mom's here

We were sitting around the living room talking and I was playing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" over the speakers just to 70's up the room a bit. Not 2 bars into the song mom laughs and tells me, "I got hit in the head with a rubber one time when this song was playing." (To explain, she was dancing on a bar and someone was trying to put a condom on a gourd and it slipped off and hit her in the head. Strangely, that's not enough of an explanation for me.)

Later after arguing with me about whether she was tired or just "resting her eyes," she closed her eyes for 2 minutes and uttered the following: "Man, that drink on the table kinda scared me." Before she passed out.

Gosh, I missed her.

You wouldn't understand

I'm currently listening to: "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On" by Robert Palmer.

Now, how's that for a confident sounding man?

It's okay man...I couldn't help myself.

Mom

My mom's birthday was this past weekend. So in her honor I'm going to list 3 of the 100's of things I love about my mom:

1.) Tonight she called me and said someone showed her a picture of herself when she was 15, and all she could think of was "Damn, my tits looked so perky then."

2.) At the hospital where she works she was training some interns on how to label urine tests. However, they didn't know she replaced one of the samples with apple juice. So when she told them that sometimes you have to taste the urine tests to see if there is too much protein in the sample and she took a swig, several of them dry heaved.

3.) Her smile in this picture.

Happy birthday momma cakes!

Happy Birthday Jennifer!

Happy Birthday Girlie!

I miss you bunches!