Dr. Happiness House Call

Sweet, sweet Dr. Happiness. I hadn’t seen her in three weeks. You didn’t really think I’d have gone without telling you, did you? Some insurance mix-ups, crazy times at work and busy home life made me put it off, but I’m glad to be back.

It was comforting, but this time it was almost like a wrap-up. I told her about certain situations in my life and how I have been applying what I’ve learned. She seemed pleased and made me feel like there was hope should I get down and out again.

I told her my favorite part of all this is that I no longer feel shame, at least in the same way, for being Kitten. And that, my dear readers, is the most gratifying thing I’ve ever experienced. I told her I feel more “normal” and “healthy” than I have in sooo sooo long. I never knew how to define what I felt, that it was shame for not being like so & so or not feeling a certain way or not thinking a certain way, but I don’t. The shame I feel is miniscule compared to 6 months ago.

I did tell her I feared the “other shoe would drop.” Actually, she asked me if that’s how I felt and I agreed. She assured me that I’m smart and that I now have tools to apply if and when I do get down again.

We also discussed the eating/working out thing I’m currently on. I told her it felt different this time. Sure I was nervous I’d go back to my old habits, that I couldn’t really envision myself getting through it sometimes. The thing that’s different is that I don’t feel like it’s punishment or that I feel deprived. I’ve been doing it for 8 weeks now and I haven’t felt like “giving up” once yet. I’m nervous to make that public for fear of me failing next week, but honestly, I think it’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.

No shame, right?