No, Your Momma!

I received in the mail today a special delivery. You see, I have an obession with shirts that have extremely bizarre things on them. So I looked online in a couple clearance sections that I scour on occasion and what did I find? This little beauty and it even has one of my favorite insults of all time....



It reads: "For a good time call your mom." And for some reason the t-shirt gods decided to include a picture of a semi-truck as well.

It also appears we have small elves living in our apartment. They apparently like to climb in our freezer at night and drop their little elf pants and sit their bare ass in our frozen yogurt. I have the evidence right here.


Now I'm setting traps!

Last post today, I promise

Jen K. asks the tough questions. For instance, what animal would you strangle?

My favorite would have to be the Tex Watson look alike. WTF?

Office party today at 3:30 p.m. so I'm leaving early from work today. Liver, are you listening? We gotta keep it together partner!

Linger Fickin' Good

I forgot to mention that while we were at the Evanston art fair this weekend we found a kick ass place for barbeque. Merle's is super cheap and tons of freaking food. Two of us ate pulled pork and two sides plus drinks for $15!

Now I'm a girl that can eat the ass out of a dead horse if it's covered in some sweet barbeque sauce and this place did the freaking trick. Plus I judge on iced tea. If a place has good iced tea, it's golden. And they served theirs in a mason jar, so that's hard to beat.

Is that yo' ass or is yo momma half reindeer?

Well, we didn't hit up the Pride parade but that's okay. I heard it was a good time and even caught a little of the coverage on the public access channel when I couldn't sleep last night. Looks like it was chock full of silliness.

My lovely husband gave me a gift this weekend. A sorta gift anyways, he gave me his G4 so I can have my own computer devoted all to little old me! Of course, as a consolation I got him a G5, but that's okay he's worth it.

We waited until the World Developer's Conference which was held today before we purchased anything, but we didn't need too. Yea, there are some new gorgeous monitors being released in August, but that's about it. No G5 powerbooks and they aren't dropping the price much on the old monitors. Darn you Steve Jobs.

Anyhoo...For letting me keep his old Mac instead of selling it to make a little bread, I've made him a movie of his other lover.

Click Here for Gas-Powered Madness

(1 min. 32 seconds/3 MB. Need Quicktime to view. Thanx to Commander Cody for the muzak.)

This Entry brought to you by Guilt.

Well, I'm not in Godville. We got up, packed the car, hit the road, drove for an hour and said....we're going to have to go again in 3 weeks to pick her up and it's a 5 hour drive and traffic sucks....so we turned right the hell around and came home. The guilt only creeps up when I think about how dissappointed she'll be but honestly I'm glad we didn't go. We ended up getting a lot done around the house and I'm going to go to the Gay Pride Parade today. I wish I could have seen my sister, don't get me wrong and I will be in 3 weeks but driving 10 hours to see her for 3 hours, yea...I'm Ms. Justification, okay.

Something really fucked up happened on Friday night. We were in the apartment and heard dogs fighting and what sounded like kids screaming. Then we heard this loud "WHACK" sound over and over and more screaming. So we ran upstairs and our neighbors were screaming at a lady in the alley saying "I think you're dog just killed our dog!"

Turns out a pitbull from down the street got out and came over to their yard where their fence is down due to repairs. It spotted their German Shepard and jumped on it. The lady of the house started screaming (thus the kid sounding screams) and kicking it. The pitbull wouldn't let go. So the husband grabs a mop handle and bashes it over the head. Still, it's not letting go. (I saw the mop handle post attack and it looked like he'd wrapped it around a tree.) Apparently, another neighbor jumps in by handing the guy a shovel to bash the dogs brains out the whole time screaming "KILL IT". (Side note: I wish I could have seen that. I can just picture this dude red in the face but smiling maniacally.) The shovel finally did the trick after a couple hits.

The neighbor's dog is okay, just a few bite marks. The pitbull is still missing. There are signs all over the neighborhood. I am not going to overgeneralize and say "Oh, those darn pitbulls." But damn, those dogs don't have good reputations. But hey, the good thing is we finally met our new neighbors, Jill & Warren, the attackees. What a welcome to the neighborhood.

Anyhoo, I'll post parade pics later if I get some. Chow.

Time Sucking Sims

I'm a girl with an obession for Sims. Not really any of the city building ones, just mostly the people one-The Sims. Now Sims 2 will be coming out soon and it looks just as addictive. Man, I better just clear my calendar for 2005. I bought Sims "Makin' Magic" today at the Apple store and like a teenager, I can't wait to get home tonight and dive in.

Godville tomorrow and a rockin' concert on Sunday night. Whoo hoo! No sleep for the wicked! Have a great weekend readers!

Sponge Bob Grumpy Pants

How does one make herself feel better after a grumpy day? Well, I can tell you it's not by reading about her government. Truthout.org

Take this job and shove it

Usually Thursdays are good days for me. Wednesdays, Tuesdays...not so much. But Thursdays almost always rock.

Not so today. Woke up with severe chest pains, a headache and no clean dishes for breakfast. The White Hen didn't have my fav blueberry muffin & theMan got me the wrong drink which I didn't notice until I was on the train. Who drinks tea without sugar??? Why do they make that stuff? I have one aunt that drinks it and the whole family calls it "Yucky Tea". We even put that on a label on the outside of the pitcher and everyone treats it like it's radioactive. Anyways, I get to work and my boss gives me a lecture bright and early because I didn't "use my head" when I sent his computer to him in Florida.

You see, I should have known how to teleport myself to 8 states away so I could hook up his printer. Seeing how neither the printer or the software was located in this state, I should have taken the time to fly down there and figure this out for him since he is clearly not to be held responsible for hooking up a computer he bought for home use. His old secretary would have known to do that. If I don't start thinking they aren't going to need me anymore at this company. Guess I better brush up on my time machine building skills, you stupid old jackass.

Now, I realize none of this is catastrophe, okay, but it's annoying and this is my blog to bitch about it. In fact, I am already feeling better.

I get knocked down, but I get up again

Wow....I'm feeling a little, well, rough this morning. Last night was the Ministry CD release party at Delilah's. I think I remember listening to the CD and actually enjoying it, but after 3 cocktails and 3 shots, I can't be entirely sure.

One thing I do remember is walking in the bar and a guy from Q101 giving away Puddle of Mudd tickets for free. We emphatically told him "God, no, sorry." To which he replied, "Man, I feel like I'm giving away blow jobs. Nobody wants these tickets." To which I retorted, "With that band, you're trying to give away toothy blowjobs."

Anyways, this weekend we're off to Godville to see my sister. I'm missing the Gay Pride Parade while I'm gone which is sorta ironic I suppose. If that's the right word. I'll be ass deep in Pentecostals, and Chicago will be ass deep in well....ass?

Hey, buddy, spare some change?

There are a few things in this world that make my blood boil. One of which is not overly sensitive of me, at least to the general public. I hate homeless people asking me for money. Hate it. I don't care why they are homeless, I don't care who's fault it is, or if they have an addiction or not, or even if they are going to actually spend the change I do give them on food or alcohol. I can't stand to be asked for money by total strangers.

Is not that I hate homeless people, just the asking for money part.

Living in Chicago, I walk the homeless circuit everyday. Mostly, it's the same people asking for money. Occasionally I'll give one of them some food if I have it, or once, one cold winter's night I gave a guy that I see daily $5. It was almost Christmas and he always calls me "gorgeous" or "hot momma" when I walk by him. So I'm a whore for compliments, don't be so hypocritical.

If you want spare change, at least earn it. Do a dance, sing a ditty or park my car. Any of those will do really. And if you want to keep your homeless limbs, then don't, I repeat, DO NOT reach out and touch me to get my attention. Ever.

I realize that's mean or politically incorrect. But let's ask ourselves honestly, do you like being hassled everyday while you are walking to your job that you have to sit through for 8 hours? Besides, I'm pretty sure no homeless people read this blog so I'm not really offending anyone here folks.

Since I'm feeling partically grumpy today I'll go ahead and list some other things I hate (in no particular order):

-Patriotic songs...and I especially mean Lee Greenwood. It has nothing to do with America either. I just hate the songs, the arrangements and lyrics make bile creep up from my stomach into the back of my throat and I am instantly set on edge. It's almost the same reaction I get to that "Lean on Me" song or Barbara Streisand singing Christmas carols.

-Someone peeing or pooping while I am in the shower in the same bathroom.

-On that same note, band-aids left anywhere, but especially in the shower.

-Video games that don't feature cheat codes to get me out of the parts I have been stuck on for the last 3 months. (Good & Evil creators, this means you!)

-Pap smears

-Short people with umbrellas. This is simple logistics. I am tall and if it's raining, then I get to duck and weave and hope anyone shorter than me doesn't poke my eyes out with the points on their umbrellas.

-Wet combovers, or even better, with a little ponytail at the bottom of a mostly bald head.

-Seeing my co-workers underwear on accident, which I just did. Ugh.

Congrats Guys

Great news! On Friday two of our best friends got engaged! We always hoped you would guys, and now it's official.

Smooches to you both!

My Dad Rules

Sunday is Father's Day and I find myself missing my dad oodles. Holidays are always great times to reflect so why not do a blog entry all for my Pops! You see I'm a special girl because I have 2 fathers. My biological one, Bill, who for reasons out of my control wasn't around a whole lot when I was growing up and then there is my Dad, Jim.

Now Bill, he's a good guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't think he ever really wanted to be a father. You see my mom got pregnant with me when they were very young, like 18 and he's never had any other children besides me. I'd say that was a pretty good indicator. I did find out that my mom drove all the way to Michigan to get an abortion but something told her not to do it once she got there so she turned around. I later found out that Bill called her and told her not too. So hey? That's something I've held on to.

Now I spent a lot of my childhood alternatively resenting him, missing him and longing for him to accept me. And yea, I was probably the statistical girl that grew up without a father so she looked for that in the men in her life, blah, blah, blah. Also, something I can deal with because, to be real, I'm certainly not alone in the world in that aspect.

It wasn't until recently I realized that I did get to see him growing up. He wasn't totally gone like some people's fathers and some of my favorite childhood memories come from being with my grandparents on that side, as well as Bill. He worried about me, he cares for me in his own way and I think now that I've grown up he can relate to me a little better. He's certainly been making an effort since I turned 20 and I'm tired of being mad at the whole situation. Plus, I do love him, he's my father. And besides, as a consolation prize, that's where Jim fits in, my Dad.

Dad (Jim) is my half-sister's biological father, as well as the father to my other half-brother, Chip (with a different mother) and the adoptive father to Chip's mom's son, Kevin. Need a flow chart? Don't worry, so does the rest of the outside world. Try to stay with me.

So anyways I have always liked to look at it like "somebody up there" knew I was an "only" child without a father around so they gave me one as a replacement pretty early in my childhood. Dad, nor his entire family, has ever, and I mean ever treated me like I was anything less than a blood relative. I cherish my grandparents on his side, as well as the rest of the extended family. They never cared for one second that I didn't look like them or have any DNA connection. In fact, it has never been brought up. And I certainly didn't feel any less loved by them, ever. And that family as well as my dad, well, they've always acted like they couldn't be more proud of me. I admit, I always get a little jump in my heart when I hear Dad introduce me as his daughter. He's never once said I am anything less. That is more important to me than I can properly convey in words. Something you guys with 2 parents take for granted, I know. But it's okay...it's right that you have a dad to call you his offspring. But it's extra special to me.

So anyways, I just wanted to make it public. Give the man a little credit. My mom & him didn't stay married past us being maybe 4 years old but he always stuck by me. He didn't have to. For that, he is owed way more than a blog entry. But he knows he has my undying gratitude. I just wanted to introduce him to you all.

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Online Again

Do you think if online shopping takes over, the "powers that be" will tear down these guady hideous strip malls and return the earth to it's natural state? Or will it just be huge distribution warehouse centers instead?

The weekend is calling my name.....no real plans other than Troma is going to be at the Musicbox Theater on Saturday so I'm told. Other than that, not a thing. Would anyone like to take me dancing? I've got new boots I haven't even shown the general public? Help a girl out, would ya?

theMan got his bonus and I got an additional $225 for that photo job so shopping appears to be on the horizon. We're such the consumer whore.

Word.

Karma, you little bitch

I'm assuming my boss doesn't care that I saw his prescription box for Cialis medicine to help his erectile dysfunction, since it was sitting in the middle of his desk.

I just wish I didn't have the mental images to go along with it.

No Shit Sherlock

So the 9/11 commission found no link between Sadamm & Al-Quaida. Something most of us suspected all along.

Wasn't this the main reason Bush told us we had to go to war?Yea, right. Now, why isn't America asking for his head for lying to us? Oh yea, I forgot. It's because he didn't get a blow job from an intern. Well, thank god for that.

Come on people. We have to vote in the upcoming election. Currently, the main people that do are the religious and the old. That really who you want running our country?

On a more fun note, if you use Yahoo Messenger, update to the latest version. There are all kinds of silly fun things to do as well as make your own "little version" of yourself.

More in a bit.

You dropped a bomb on me, Ogre

Wow....after just returning from seeing Skinny Puppy, those industrial rock icons, all I can say is wow. Worth every penny, even the exorbant Ticketmaster fees. If you dig rock at all, go see these guys immediately.

No, they didn't play "Scrapyard" but they did play a wide variety of my other favs. Stuff off "The Process" and "Smothered Hope" as an encore, as well as stuff from the new CD. And the stage presence was incredible. I don't know how old Ogre is now, but he's still got it, to be sure.

Tweaker opened up and well, I like the CD. It's good to have on while driving, or reading or hell, even having sex but it's not something to play when the entire crowd is antsy for some Skinny Puppy. But oh well...it was better than some shitty local band.

I must comment on the crowd though. It was like 2 different generations and it made me feel a mixture of mature and old. I had a couple people in front of me dancing like it was a Grateful Dead concert, complete with ripe B.O. and all but in other areas were the kids who knew how to handle themselves in a packed crowd. We were up by the stage for most of the show, but midway we had to exit stage left due to a large sweaty man jumping up and down on my toes and a mexican couple humping like they were listening to shitty techno.

Oh well...to be 10 feet from the boys and hearing songs I love live...it was all part of the experience.

Yummy.

A friend of mine recently made a point that we as a people should listen to our artists. They are usually the most intune with what's really going on. And most of our artists want George Bush out. I gave it some thought, and yea, I'll go with that to an extent. Then the Daily Dirt links to Bruce Springsteen's site where he's posted a reprint of a recent Al Gore speech. Sorta gives that argument a little more credibility in my mind so I figured I'd better pass it on.

Get it here: Al Gore speech from Bruce (Thanks again Jerky.)

On another note, I went to the Metro $2 Tuesday Night Club last night and was blown away. I had heard Dethholz! before but it was my first experience with Baby Teeth. Both bands were incredible. Gave me renewed faith in local bands. I picked up both their CD's and I'd suggest you checking them out as well. I love a band with a great stage presence and these boys oozed sex and rock.

Tonight is the Skinny Puppy show and I couldn't be more excited, especially since like a teenager I've had a crush on Ogre's voice and ass for what seems like forever. I even got to meet him a couple years ago but like an idiot didn't have a camera on me. Oh well, he was a sweetie and stood out there and obliged his fans for quite awhile. I've heard they are playing mostly older stuff too which makes me happy. If you're listening boys, please, please, please play "Scrapyard" off of Last Rights, okay?

Tweaker is opening up for them which makes me super excited because I'm digging his latest CD. Damn, this week is turning out to be action packed. Hopefully I'll have pix to post tomorrow if the Vic will let us bring cameras.

Okay, enough of my rambling. Back to work.

Raygun who?

I have been feeling, well sorta dumbfounded by the on-going coverage of Reagan's death. I mean, yes, he was a president and that's quite an accomplishment. Let's spend the day of the funeral and maybe a few look-back specials but sweet merciful christ...the man was what, 93? He had Alzheimer's. He wasn't struck by a car or killed in a war. I mean, I'm not a total cold hearted bitch. I feel for his family, really. My great grandmother died a couple years ago and I saw what it did to my grandfather who had the same total years of marriage as the Reagan's. I cannot imagine that sort of pain.

But um, I don't remember the "Reagan years" as being the best years of anyone's life, except for the rich which is sorta like the "Dubya years." Well, that and the music. The 80's kicked ass for music, but sadly that had little to do with Reagan. Maybe if he would have strapped on a keytar, but I digress. I guess I couldn't really put into words what I was feeling but thankfully the Daily Dirt has.

Also, thankfully the Daily Dirt has told us when we're all going to die too. Hope you didn't have any concrete plans for June.

And lastly...I must direct you to Darren's blog today again. His rant is full of links that are too delicious to miss. Check it out.

What's a Beads to do?

If you want to experience some damn funny improv/skit comedy on Monday's, then go see our buddy Rodney at Frankie J's theater on Broadway with his troupe called "Diatribe."

It's only $5 and you can bring your own beer into the theater. So hell, why not?

Tonight is the Detholz show at the Metro for only $2!! Woooo-hoooo.....they impressed us last Halloween at the Bottom Lounge, so I gotta see this act again.

Anyone else going?

I knew something was up

ADDED: Additional website to check out per Darren. Deliberate dumbing down.com.

Check out John Taylor Gatto's interview on Lauralee.com. If you have the ability to listen to stuff while you work, throw this on.

It's scary but informative.

Shout out to Darren for hooking my brain up to Lauralee. We gotta hang out again soon!

Clammy Clamerton

Does anyone else feel like work is just an 8 hour distraction until you get to do something cool?

Friday I took the photo assignment and went to the charity event to take pictures for my boss. My god. I've never felt so good about being middle class in my life. Most of them were snooty or soooo self involved. I'd take a picture of a woman and she'd demand I use a flash or to see the picture to make sure I hadn't "cut off her head". I'd show them the perfectly fine picture and they'd be rude and outright blame me for their hair being weird looking or whatever. I just kept smiling and thanking whatever god gives out finances and brains that I hadn't ended up like these fucking skeletons in Prada.

After I finally got most of the pictures taken I hit up the free bar and threw down a couple vodka & grapefruit juices, followed by some caviar on what looked like stale potato chips. Tasty but odd. I drank and took great comfort in knowing my boobs were some of the only real ones in the room.

Saturday we went and found a new putt-putt course with our pal Rodney. Here's proof I love my man: He lost his ball in the "river" running through the course so I hike up my pants and dive right in, wading through the moss and gunk to find his ball. Yea, sometimes I'm a good wife. Oh, and we also found a new course to hit up. Of course, only after we've taken 18 hits of acid each.

Later that night we went to Schaumburg for some eats and shopping. If you want to confirm your high IQ, visit a mall. You'll instantly feel better about your intellect even though your body issues might outweigh that feeling. It was all short short skirts and stupid conversations. I'm sure I sound elitist, but damn. It was consumerism at its best.

Rented a couple movies you readers should definitely pick up. We got some Richard Pryor stand-up comedy called "Live at Sunset Strip." I had never watched any of his stand-up and damn if we didn't pee a little watching this one. We also got "Where the Buffalo Roam" with Bill Murray playing Hunter S. Thompson. Pretty good too although I think I still love "Fear & Loathing" more. Also got the new Playboy and it has a great interview with Michael Moore in it. Please pick this up, it's quite interesting.

Sunday we cleaned the house and bought some shelves which I procceeded to put together in only my underwear and a fan blowing on me because it was 150 freaking degrees in our little sauna of an apartment. I hate being hot, hate it. That clammy feeling your skin gets....ugh. Last night we went on a bike ride with some pals for a couple hours. Ended up biking through some pretty secluded trails for several miles. This city just keeps on surprising me.

Ended the weekend with some grilling out and good conversation. This summer is just a blast so far. I thought 2004 had potential but damn. This week is Skinny Puppy at the Vic and we've decided to go to New York for the Disinfo event....plus I get to see my sister in a couple weeks. If only I could not work, I could get so much more fun in.

Did I mention?

One of the things I found in Madison was a First Edition, Robert Anton Wilson book from his days at Playboy called "The Book of the Breast" later republished under "Istar Rising." First Edition!!! Now, I'd never sell it but as one of his biggest fans....how cool is that?

Now I just gotta get him to show up at the Disinfo event in California in October so he can sign it and I can be a real star crazed fan.

Vacation Pix

Thought I'd throw up a few pix from our recent vacation. Can you tell I wanna go back?

Also here is that Disinfo event I mentioned earlier in New York with Grant Morrison, Paul Laffoley & Howard Bloom. Wanna go?

(click to make bigger.)

Our Vacation Recap (Caution: Long Entry)

I decided to do a journal entry about our trip this week. Mostly for my memory sake, so it's a long one. Just a warning.

Monday: We left work about 3:00 p.m. and ran over to pick up Jen & Lance & load the car. Then left town after a few last minute errands. It was a really nice drive thankfully and we all got to talk. Once we got to the Dells, we found Yogi’s camp site and checked in. It felt like we were in a different world. The chick at the check-in was from Finland and really didn’t speak clear English, just like pretty much everyone we encountered the entire trip. She was sweet though and after some loose translations we got our site and we headed to our camp site. The boys set up the tent and Jen & I went to air up the mattress and get some wood. Being the ingenious ladies that we are, we used the tire air machine to blow up the mattress and our arms to hold it to the top of the car as we drove it to the camp site. It was too hot outside to pump it up by hand.

Once we got everything set up we jumped back in the car to hit the town. The downtown area of the Dells is weird. It’s like endless shops and food with attractions in between, like haunted houses, etc. We weren’t out of the car 5 minutes when we found BB guns that looked real for only $8.00 and of course Jen had to have some! You can’t buy that stuff in Chicago. Everything in the Dells was really cheap compared to home. The store we got the guns sold underwear, swords and BB guns....bizarre. After that we were persuaded by this chick to go through the haunted house. I hate these things. I love all things spooky but I absolutely hate someone jumping out at me in the dark. I can’t control it and I scream or totally freeze up. Well this is apparently hilarious to my friends because they laughed the whole time at me. Hee hee. The “ghost” in the haunted house learned my name and started moaning it to taunt me.

After the haunted house we hit up Pirate’s Cove Adventure Golf. That place has 90 holes you can play!!! The golf was a blast but unfortunately the mosquitos decided to start their buffet on us during the whole thing.

After mini-golf we went to Wal-Mart, got a few supplies and went back to camp to start the fire. We drank beer, ate hot dogs and made smores. Also tried out Jen’s new guns by shooting the boys in the ass with pellets. Finally in the wee hours we hit the sheets for one of the most uncomfortable nights of sleep I’ve had. We were hot, sweaty, gross and packed in the tiny little tent. The air mattress wasn't big enough for us so we had to lay it sideways and have our feet hanging off. But hey, it was an adventure.

Tuesday: We got up bright and early, took showers and headed out to a farm called Thunder Valley for some breakfast. The little inn was a trip. Once we finally found the door to the restaurant it was a different world. The food was soooo good and super cheap. Plus we had our coupons so we got money off the already low prices. It looked like the mother did the cooking and the daughter did everything else. After breakfast we wandered around the farm to look at the peacocks, goats, ducks and turkeys. Lance got spit on by a black goat and we got the ugly turkeys to make that noise they make by theMan doing his own turkey call. Did you know peacocks hiss at each other? This was made especially weird by the fact that one of the peacocks was missing an eye.

After the farm we headed to the canoe rental place to cash in even more coupons. The canoe owner told us about a detour that we could take where we could swing from ropes into the water and go swimming. He said it was private property but they do it all the time. We had to take our canoes out of the water and up over a damn, but it was worth it. This ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. I had never been canoeing and it was soo peaceful and pretty. Swinging from the rope was awesome, made me feel like I was 16 or something again. We eventually headed back the other way and canoed to the middle of the lake for a little sunbathing.

After canoeing we headed to Mt. Olympus Theme Park for the best go-kart riding I’ve ever been on. The tracks were like roller coaster tracks that you could drive on. With big hills and ramps and windy wooden tracks. The park also had roller coasters (the old wood ones that beat the shit out of you) and a few water rides. We spent several hours here driving and re-riding stuff. I just kept feeling like I couldn’t possibly have any more fun but I kept having it.

After Mt. Olympus we went back into town and got some ice cream. We had free coupons from the book so we cashed those in and sat down for a bit. After ice cream we walked down to Alien Planet and went through that exhibit. It was really stupid but thankfully it was only $5 and we got funny pictures. Plus the air conditioning was nice.

We then headed over to Timber Falls for some more mini-golf by the river. I liked this course a little more because it seemed more “adventurous” plus the view was nice. By the 15th hole though I think most of us were ready to get going.

We then headed to the camp site to change clothes and back in the car to the Ho-Chunk casino. I had never been in a casino before. It was huge and full of old people or bizarrely deformed people. Like a freak show that paid out. We played a few slots and decided to hit up the buffet. We also had a coupon for the food too and damn if it wasn’t tasty. There wasn’t one bit of food on the entire trip that was not fabulous. Once we had gorged ourselves silly we got some cheap mixed drinks from the bar and went back to the casino. theMan decided to play one slot and won $25.00 right away. We then hit up the nickel poker slots but all of us lost our money. We played it smart though and walked away with $20.00 of the original $25.00 we had won.

Once we left the casino we went back to the camp site and started a fire. Jen & I went on an alcohol finding mission. Did you know in Wisconsin they cannot sell hard liquor after 9:00 p.m.? No Jack Daniels for us, just more beer. It worked though. We all got a little tipsy and laid a sleeping bag out in a field and watched the lightening overhead and talked. Then headed back to the fire for more talking, beer and eventually sleep.

Wednesday: It stormed in the middle of the night while we were camping but it seemed to make the sleeping more comfortable. We all were a little more rested and ready for another day of fun. So we packed up the camp in record time and got some breakfast at an Internet Café (where I blogged from). We had yet another coupon for this place and it was tasty although the chick working the counter was a real bitch. Then headed to Noah’s Ark Water park for 70+ acres of water slides. Damn!!! This place was a freaking blast! We made the rounds and did all the slides, my favorite being Black Thunder (an all enclosed, pitch black slide we all rode together on a big raft) and the Stingray (a half-pipe like water slide). Every slide just got better and better. We ended the day with a tube ride down the lazy river (with a maxi pad following us) and some swimming in this giant wave pool. Eventually just laying out in the sun and not wanting to ever go back home.

Before leaving town we hit up Black Bart’s Buffet (yep, another coupon) and stuffed ourselves silly on some kick ass ribs. Jen & Lance came here last time they went to the Dells and had to sleep in the parking lot for an hour afterwards. We could have this time too but decided to hit the road home.

On our way back to Illinois we pulled into Madison to hit up Half Price Books. I ended up buying some really good finds there as well as everyone else. I freaking love that store. After that we got on the highway and came back to civilization.

Last night I ended up passing out stark naked in front of the fan at about 9:00 p.m. and sleeping until this morning. Damn it felt good too.

We did activity after activity the entire time we were there, never wasting a second. And if any of you readers ever go, get a coupon book. Everything we did was buy one get one free, even the food. We didn’t pay full price for anything the entire trip and it paid for itself the first night. Even though I did come back with 20 mosquito bites, it was the perfect freaking vacation with our pals.

Quick Post

Just wanted to post a quick note from some internet cafe in Wisconsin. We're having a fabulous time!! Non-stop good times. Canoeing, swimming, more go-karts that imagineable, and HUGE FUCKING MOSQUITOS.

Also, thanks for the good comments. My friends rock even though I wasn't fishing for compliments.

More tomorrow, if we don't stay another day!

Thanks, I know.

I realize that smokers don't like to hear about how smoking can kill you and they don't like it thrown in their face on a daily basis. And I usually respect that and don't bring it up unless it's the right moment and only with people I truly care about, like my dad. I guess I expect the same treatment in regards to my weight.

If it's out of hand and my close friends and family are worried about me, then I expect them to point it out to me tactfully and to my face. Tell me they are worried about my health, my general well-being, what have you. However, having my 300+ pound co-worker make a comment about how I should be in the front of the canoe during this camping trip because of "all my weight" is an entirely different situation.

I'm already having my annual pre-bathing suit wearing panic attacks as it is. I'm trying to be discreet about it too. Just sucking it up and putting away my pride in order to show off the hail damage on my ass and still have fun. I don't need my 3-chinned male co-worker throwing it in my face in front of other co-workers the day I fucking leave.

Secondly, I hate when people I don't give a shit about make me cry.

Okay, I'm not dense. I'm a big girl, not thin by any standards. I'm overweight, curvy, whatever people want to call it to make themselves feel better. And yes, it's my fault. I spent most of my late teens, early 20's eating whatever I wanted and planting my big ass down whenever possible. In the last couple of years I have made an effort to exercise and change my diet. I currently weigh less than I did in high school, even though that's not such a great thing. However, years of my lazy abuse and my family history (most are obese) have made this effort harder than it would have been had I been smarter all along. I repeat, I am not looking for something to blame this on. I am not sueing McDonald's, etc.

However, I have my health checked regularly and all systems are fine. No, I can't wear mini-skirts but I'm not considered obese just yet, at least by the medical community, thank you very much.

I spend most of the year feeling generally okay about my body. I like my curves, my height and I absolutely love my boobs. It's just that one time a year when society feels it's okay to essentially wear only your bra and panties outside to swim in.

Is it truly necessary for this guy who is one Big Mac away from his heart exploding to point out loudly such rude comments to me on a monthly basis? No, I don't think so.

Do I want to poison his morning coffee so I can watch his big fat carcass writhe around on the ground for making me even feel remotely self-concious today more than I already am. Yes, definitely so.

Uncle Goddamn is dead.

(click to make bigger)


Meeting Richard Metzger was way more than I expected. We got there late thinking it was just going to be him showing clips from the Disinfo DVD which we already own. However, when we got there he hadn't started so we got right up front and chatted a bit. When he came up to show the DVD, he surprised us pleasantly by talking about the behind-the-scenes of the making of the series. If you've seen any of this, all I can tell you is the people are real. They really believe the things they are saying.

Yes, even the chick who thinks she's Bob Hope's sex slave and even the satanists. One story he told us was the satanists on the clip of Show 1 were found at a Pagan festival in California. Apparently they were trying to act tough and he ended up making them look retarded. When asked if he ever believed anything he reported on he just laughed and said plainly, "no."

Regarding the clips from Show 1, he said he showed Marilyn Manson and his pot dealer and both told him he was either going to hell or he was mean. Rave reviews I'd say.

Mr. Metzger ended up being very entertaining and down to earth. A chap you could talk to for hours on end. I worried that he might just be there to sell something, but actually that never came up once. I especially enjoyed his candid stories about the people he met while making the series.

After the question and answer period, we approached him and talked with him for quite awhile. He was just so genuine, and I guess I was surprised. You just never know. I thanked him for entertaining many of my stoned friends with the Uncle Goddamn clips to which he told me that was exactly what they were for. Sad news though...Uncle Goddamn died of pneumonia and his family buried him in the backyard. Yes, that is illegal. The money they got from Disinfo for the footage was used to buy him a headstone. God.

There is also footage of Brian from the Disinfo DVD hanging out with another member of the family who is homeless. Apparently the guy likes to get drunk off $1 store mouthwash and go around and pee on sleeping homeless people.

He said they have 13 more hours of Uncle Goddamn which they will be releasing on its own DVD. There is a god.

We could have talked him for longer but felt bad because there was a line of people. Overall, I'm so glad I went. It was educational and sorta restored my faith in Disinfo.com. Plus he didn't think I was cheesy when I asked for a picture, he was all for it.

There is not going to probably ever be another Disinfo Con because he said they lost a ton of money on it, however, there are 2 upcoming events: one in New York (with Grant Morrison and the bedridden Howard Bloom) and one in California in October with Paul Laffoley and Adam Parflay. We're looking into it so I'll post links when I find them.

Would I reccommend taking a gorgeous Saturday afternoon off to sit in a book shop and listen to Richard Metzger?? I think I'll borrow Uncle Goddamn's words of wisdom for a minute: "You're god damn right."

That Don't Sound Good, Bill Murray

I must brag about theMan/theSheriff just a little, so induldge me. Ever since we bought our new car it has been bugging the shit out of him that there was no connector for our iPod. You see, he hates CD's....loathes them even. I can't blame him. It is annoying to have 100+ cd's out in the car and with my downloading habit lately well, we're going through CDR's like toilet paper.

So what does he do? He downloads information off the internet on how to take apart our dash, remove and solder a connector to the back of our car stereo and puts it all back in so we can now just hook up our iPod to the car. He didn't even leave a scratch anywhere. No more CD's! And to really let me know he's changed from the old Sheriff, he tells me he did it all for our upcoming camping excursion.

This is the same guy that refused to go on any kind of vacation a couple months ago. I feel spoiled.

To celebrate we met up with Jen K. at the Music Box last night to view "Coffee & Cigarettes" by Jim Jarmusch. Overall the movie was decent, not fabulous but generally okay. I'd wait to rent it, but that's me. I really liked a couple of the segments: Tom Waits and Iggy Pop, RZA, GZA & Bill Murray, and Alfred Molina and Steve Coogan. But like a little star-crossed teenager I was also impressed with the White Stripes clip.

Wanna hear a confession? I was absolutely in pure lust over Jack White in that segment. A nicely built man in a tight shirt with dark hair and oh, that voice. I never knew how cute that guy was. Yea, so I'm a teenager, sue me. That's going to be a nice mental image for quite awhile.

Anyways, the weekend plans are forming today. Tonight, we are hopefully going to eat grotesque amounts of raw fish, tomorrow is the Richard Metzger event at Quimby's and Sunday is poker night.

In the immortal words of MXC: Get it on!

When it rains, it pours

All kinds of good news today! First of all, I actually scheduled and reserved an out of town trip next week for theSheriff and friends. My god, the Mistress is actually going on vacation! I know, try to calm down before you pass out. I couldn't be more excited and even if it rains the whole time I'm still going to have a great fucking time. Let's just say, I've had more vacations cancelled on me than should be properly allowed.

Secondly, when I asked my boss today if I could have a couple days off to go camping next week she said, "Sure, and tomorrow when you get your paycheck there will be your bonuses in there as well. So get you some marshmellows to roast while you're at it."

Oh my god. We usually get our yearly bonuses in August, not June so this was major good news. I can pay off bills, support my sushi/fondue habit and still have some to save!! WHOO WHOO!

Before I bore you with tales of my good fortune today, Ladies, I found a list of ways to spoil your man. Blow his mind why don't ya? Read the June 2 entry.

Nighty-night.

Trama in the Nether-Regions

Well today has been both lucrative money-wise and gross, girl parts-wise. Without giving too much disgusting information I started the day off with theMan & I desperately rooting around in my lower regions for that ever elusive "missing string." God, the joys of being a girl. That failed search resulted in me visiting the GYN office and left with a $300 bill and there wasn't even one up in there to be looking for.

Gross. I think it's official, I'm blonde. I mean, who else but a blonde forgets if there is or is not a cotton rocket in her love canal!?! Christ.

Anyhoo, now I've got good news! I was just offered what looks like a easy breezy photo job for a charity event next Friday. I'm hoping to make a few bucks off the deal and a free dinner to boot. The only bummer is it's formal which means I have to find something to wear, that and hob-nob with richies.

I am nervous though, as always. The pictures they want are simple snapshots of people having a good time at the party, so nothing portrait-like which should be easy enough. However, the last time I picked up a camera for an event was a friend's wedding. I couldn't get my camera to work and I shook like a crack whore with these stupid tremors I get so most of the pictures turned out blurry. Thankfully there were a few keepers but how embarrassed I was! I still wince even though they were totally gracious. Not only was the groom a photographer I totally respect but the wedding party was full of artists and gallery owners. So yea, I'm a little gun-shy, sue me. I'm too much of a perfectionist when it comes to pictures. I'm never satisfied and I don't trust myself. Probably why I don't do it professionally.

Oh but how I love to sell myself. I told these charity co-chairs that I used to have a mini-photography business and I've done weddings, etc. Which is true, but I'm sure they were assuming more than I'd actually done. I just couldn't stop the self-promoting. We'll see. If they hate it, I'll just move to Mexico with the money and the negatives. They'll never find me! ;)