Paranoia

I find that when something like my cousin dying happens, my paranoia sense sets in. Basically, I always think that it will be the last time I see people when I see them. Even when they are just going to the store or running an errand. Last night my grandparents brought my sister and her stuff up here to live and I could tell they were thinking the same thing as they turned to leave. My gramps said, “I know I’ll be seeing you in August, but I wish it was sooner.” No one wanted to stop hugging and saying good-byes. Later we got home and Sis started having an asthma attack, something that immediately brought me back to the days when I had to rush her home at top speed to get her inhaler and when our aunt, that looks exactly like her, died from an asthma attack. She didn’t have it so theMan took her to the store while I went to bed. I laid awake for several minutes thinking, “What if they don’t come back?” theMan and I had fought earlier and I was laying there mentally kicking my own ass for it.

I then tossed and turned all night with yet another dream of someone close, this time my sister, dying. The third dream like that in a row this week.

I suppose there is some good in these thoughts. You cherish each moment you have or you make sure the last thing you say before parting are words you really mean. But how long can a person sustain this heightened sense of paranoia?