Weddings N' Things

After watching 2 hours of Sex & the City (thanx to Mrs. T letting me borrow her box set) I left for the only store in town and spent more of my x-mas gift cards (thanx to mom) on slutty tops, fishnet stockings and a new purse. Of course doing my part to help the world by recycling, some of it was spent at Goodwill on another $5 dress from New York & Co. and I even picked up a little number for my sister for $2.50 so she can leave the house and I can babysit. Seriously, if you haven’t gone thrifting, you are missing out!!

Anyways, then I came home and dyed my hair, gave myself a pedicure and shaved legs that haven’t seen the shiny side of a razor in months. In fact, I am quite sure if I walked around the woods naked in Minnesota, there would be pictures proving Yetis do exist.

Some of it has a purpose, besides theMan coming back in 2 days for our conjugal visit: I’m going with my mom tonight and her co-workers to a wedding of one of the nurses at her hospital. How did I get roped in? She asked me to be her date because her co-workers told her explicitly not to bring the Abusive Step-Dad (his new nickname, although I considered "Fat Cocksucker). Plus, apparently they met me at mom’s last wedding and I was “rowdy” and “fun.” Apparently somewhere between downing 2 fisted drinks and dancing on the tables I met these ladies. Hell if I can remember it. But if it means dancing and free food, count me in! There is rarely an occasion that can’t be fun with dancing and free food.

And really, I needed to hear “Celebration” one more time in my lifetime.

So I’m loading my new Wal-mart purse (ugh, I can feel my soul being sucked out) with airplane bottles of booze to feed my mother and her friends, my tushie with my new $5 dress and enough lycra underneath to reel in this gut and jiggly thighs, and my coat pocket with a small inconspicuous camera so all will be documented on film for your viewing pleasure whenever I drag my “rowdy” butt home tonight.

Mom with booze, no controlling step-dad in sight, and surrounded by other like women will equal much entertainment. You don’t think I was born with this fun and rowdiness do you? I inherited it.

Niagra, Niagra

Due to watching the film, "Niagra, Niagra" theMan & I can no longer see a baby doll or Barbie of African descent and not say "Black Barbie Head" in our best Canadian accent.

Anyhoo, while shopping at the Wal-mart because there is fuck-all else to do in this town, we were searching for cheap toys to entertain the Monkey who will be visiting this weekend. I thought to myself "Baby Doll!" since she seems to have taken a fancy to one she received as a birthday gift. There were no cheap baby dolls anywhere except for a slew of black ones on the back shelf. All the white $4.88 baby dolls had seemingly secured homes.

Oh, is everything a blog post or social commentary? I think so!

Fuck it, we said and we purchased it. If anyone asks Gracie we'll teach her to say, "I'm her mommy! But her birth-mommy was from Ethiopia." Then I'll have Gracie pout in her best Angelina Jolie and call out for her man-servant Brad Pitt to round up the rest of the kiddies and let's get back on the jet already!!

Food!

Okay, so I'm a bit of a nerd. But now that x-mas is over and theMan is bringing home some decent money during his tenure at Threadless, we are able to splurge a little on the foods we had given up during this bout of poverty. I was able to run through the grocery store with complete abandon. I mean pulling stinky cheeses from the refrigerated cases, knocking down displays of organic grapefruits in order to find the best ones, and even putting back the pop-tarts and spending the extra cash on real live oatmeal with brown sugar.

Maybe now I'll stop gaining weight at this alarming rate. Eeep.

Oh...I could go on but it's kinda getting a little desparate isn't it? I suppose I could launch into a diatribe about how the poor only get the crap food and the rich get to eat organic, but I'm of the camp where we got ourselves in this situation, time to get out. So that's what we are doing.

But in the meantime, I'll relish in these high times with a feta mushroom omelet and some yerba mate tea.

Holla!

Merry X-mas Bitches!

So this is Christmas, and what have we learned? Well, that fathers are just as excited as 6 year olds on Christmas morning and will call you before dawn to see when you plan on showing up because he's already made cherry turnovers, cut a bunch of fruit and wants to get the cinnamon rolls in the oven and please please please can we open presents!??!?!

Now it's snowing but it seems fitting. As long as my man and my nephew/sis/BIL get back to Chicago, I can handle it. Maybe we'll get some pics of Kaboom in the snow!

Anyways, Merry Christmas/Festivus/Kwanza you crazy people. Hope yours rocks as much as mine.

Love,
Kitten
(Pics in Flickr.)

Red Meat

So having been a nearly faithful vegetarian since last New Year's, with the occasional hot wing and cheeseburger here and there...eating a 22 oz. sirloin last night was a bad bad bad mistake. Besides having to hold in some vicious farts on the car ride home with my co-workers, I nearly shit my pants when I finally did get home. Then all day today: gas stomach.

Ugh....I think it will be easy to stick to vegetarianism from now on.

Touching end

After the funeral today and after a day of family events, I decided to go ahead and go to my office x-mas party. They took us across the state lines to a dive bar where you cook your own steak. It was amazing, amazingly bad. Place was packed and we were eating on styrofoam plates and drinking out of random cups, even one from Taco Bell.

As they announced our meat was sitting on the grill waiting for us to cook it, I noticed the other ladies made their men cook their steak while they waited at the table. I was having none of that! If the point of this dive was to cook your meat, well....I went straight up there and cooked my own. In the mix with a bunch of burly dudes.

As I stood there and sweated in that awful heat around at least an entire cow roasting in front of me, I smiled inside because I bet my Grandma would have done exactly the same thing.

Hungover

Well gee, that's embarrassing. It takes a bottle of wine for me to completely melt down on here.

Let me explain. It's been a hard couple of months. I've kinda felt like I'm spiraling out of control. I feel a little lost. So when I got a call from my bio-dad last night to come have pizza with my uncle, aunt and him I said, "OK". I didn't want to be alone after the calling for my grandmother.

I get there and we start drinking the wine. Completely forgetting theMan isn't here as my DD. They start asking me how I'm doing, where we are working and well...the floodgates open. Especially after my dad tells me how sorry he is I had such a crappy childhood and that he was sorry. Those are words I waited 28 years for. So I got a little emotional. Especially after an evening of being introduced as his daughter (although one person asked if I was his wife.). I even cried in front of him and I swore I never ever would. (Gee, I'm starting to see I make messed up rules for myself.)

He reminds me that I'm very strong, like my grandmother and well, that's another thing I've waited on. Acknowledgment that he sees where I've placed myself. So more floodgates. My aunt and uncle chime in, 2 people I greatly respect (my uncle was the encouragement to go to night school and get my business degree in 2000) and before I know it I'm driving 12 miles per hour home so I don't get a DUI and sobbing so hard my dog is alarmed.

Then I blog. Ahem.

Today at the funeral the minister spoke about how tough my grandma was. How she did things when no other women were doing them. How she would never let us win at games unless we earned it. But how she was eternally proud of all of us. I just kept thinking, "Wow, I've spent all my life looking for where I fit in and now I realize my grandmother was more of an influence than I thought." I just kept thinking, "I hope to be like her."

This afternoon we all met back at my aunt's house to wind down and eventually open the presents Grandma had bought us but didn't get to see us open. It was very very hard. If there was one thing she loved it was Christmas. It's almost weirdly fitting she died during this month. It brought us together and the church was decorated in Christmas stuff. I saw my dad cry as we opened the gifts. It was very touching.

In one family I'm one of the cornerstones, in the other I'm in the back of the crowd on my tip-toes waiting for someone to notice me. It's a fucked up place to be, on top of everything else.

So I wig out. And honestly, I can't promise there won't be more crazy rambling blogging ... seeing how I have no job starting February 1st, no place to live and very little savings. But if there is one thing I'm very very very good at, it's making sure I'm okay. So yea, I'll be okay. Like my Grams, I'll just figure out a way.

And I'm starting to move to the front of the crowd and people, like my dad, are noticing. That helps.

Drunk Blogging Ver. 4.0

Oh just when you thoguth it was safe to let me have a bottle of wine and a blogger account. OH NO.....

I went to my grandmother's calling/showing tonight. Always felt weird about calling it a "showing." Anyways, I got there and tried to be distant. I hung out with my younger cousins, had some food, gave hugs, and stayed cheery. It didn't sadden me to see Grams in her coffin. I teared up only once. I got to say good-bye to her in a way before that. We spent a Sunday morning together looking thoruhg pictures and recalling memories of her childehood. The next weekend was Thanksgiving and my last memory of her alive was her walking ou t the door to go visit my grandfather's grave. I said to myself, "this is the last time I will see her alive." I just knew. I stared at her back until she disappeared.

So tonight after the calling I left my bio-dad a message that I had 3 bottles of wine, a serious depression and tim eto kill, if he didn't want to spend the night his mother died alone, he could call me. He called and I went over there and hung out for 4 hours with my uncle, his wife and my bio-dad. He told me my grams adored me and talked about me up until the day she died. That she was what held us together when he didn't know how to deal with our relatinoship. That he was sorry I got such a bad deal in life and that I never had it easy. Basically he was so sorry and he kept saying it, but that he would do anythjing for me now. Even let me live with him until I get my shit figured out.

Oh shit, now I'm bawling.

It's true, my grandmother would be the only one for many years that made me feel like i was apart of that family. She held me when Ii cried when my dad felt so far away. She understood when I couldn't stay at a family dinner. when I couldn't stop crying. She always wanted us to have as much fun as possible. I miss her so.

Even tonight I felt on the outsid.e So I downed half a bottle of wine and resigned myself that I would take caare of myself, make something of myself and live my life tothe fullest like she did.

I also leanred about my grandpa that had died in 90'. He was quiet about his life. The fact that he was in the car the night his brother died and how it almost destroyed him. But god he was such a good grandfather. Both of them just wanted the best for us. I want to make him proud, I always have. I've always wanted to make all of them proud.

But hey, I'm Kitten. I'm the dependable one, right? I never drive across town with a blood alcohol content well above .08. That's just not me! I'm perfect! I wouldn't get divorced or lose my job or not have perfect blonde children and a house in the country.

Surely it's the wine talking, right? Surely I can pick myself up off the floor one more time.

I think I'm going to go pass out face down in the covers until morning. This post has gone downhill fast.

Blah.

Grandma

Besides my brother's car exploding on Friday night and having to ride crouched down in a tow truck to the repair shop, besides being involved in a hit and run accident which involved us running down a moving truck for 3 blocks and me almost pulling a bitch out of her car in anger....

My grandmother died on Sunday.

Tonight is the calling and tomorrow the funeral. It was expected since she's been nearly in a coma, but it's weird without her in the world.

To say the least.

(P.S. I've uploaded a ton of pics in Flickr....you know what to do.)

Inconvenient Truth

Tonight I had the pleasure of helping set up and take pictures of a showing of Al Gore's documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth" at a local high school. The science teacher of the school has been catching a lot of flack for showing it due to a news story ran in the town rag, but he decided to go ahead and let me tell you: the vibe in that room was really nice. People were talking, sharing ideas and especially when Easton mentioned ways a small rural community like ours could come together to make a bigger difference.

I hadn't seen the film yet. It's not very political, but the parts that show what spured President Gore (yes, I said President) on to become so involved in this process did show parts from the Bush administration and the former administrations and really....it just pissed me off. They think we're so stupid. Quite honestly, if his facts are true...we are stupid.

One fact that really hit home was the whole "if we save the environment, we hurt the economy" argument that people against environmental regulations offer. For instance, because the US has not set emission standards on their vehicles, we are still allowed to make huge SUVs. But guess what? We can't sell them anywhere else in the world in the larger markets because all those countries like the UK and China....we don't meet their regulations. Guess who is gaining money in the automobile industry? Toyota and Honda. Hmmm. 2 automobile manufacturers that offer lower gas mileage vehicles, and even electric vehicles.

Moving back to HomeTownVille made me realize how much people drive here. I even started to get the bug for a big vehicle. Makes me excited to be moving back to Chicago and using public transportation.

Anyways, I ended the evening by listening to some Bright Eyes and wandering around the country. I just didn't feel like turning right to go home. So I drove until I found blackness and I took some pictures. You can see those in my Flickr.

I really will miss the peacefulness you can find on a country road when we move back to the city. The skies here are gorgeous.

Land Locked Blues

I don't care if it's 2 days or 3 months, I'll never get used to this. The bed seems colder, the food doesn't taste quite as good, the sad songs hurt more, I can't even take a good picture without him here.

Sigh.

3 more weeks.

Good job Bush

Haven't we all worked for a boss like this....

Bush decides direction of Iraq policy

President Bush has decided the general direction he wants to take U.S. policy on Iraq and has asked his staff to work out the details as he wraps up a highly public review of the war and its aims. Bush scheduled a session Wednesday with senior defense officials at the Pentagon.

Yahoo News

Quitter

I quit my job today. My last day in HomeTownVille will be February 1st, 2007 (provided I can get this house rented). I have no other job to go too and we have no place to live, but I feel lighter for making the decision.

I've got a recruiter looking into my case, my jobless case. I've got a man working his ass off to get us an apartment and money saved up. Sure I've got a lot of stress coming too: like a house to pack, tearful good-byes to make and a job to wrap up so my departure won't look too awful on my growing resume.

Plus I registered for my classes today which start January 2nd.

I'm freaking out but mostly because I feel like something will happen to stop it. I think we're ready, so look out world.

P.S. Being away from theMan is awful. Have I mentioned that?

I miss him

So missing theMan pretty much sucks the biggest balls ever. It will be great money though and I know he's enjoying himself. It took everything I had to come back today. While I was there, when I wasn't latched on to the bebe, we checked out a couple apartments and dreamed of returning to the city we feel homesick for. We'll see how it turns out.

Right now I'm going to go about my business of homework, taking out the trash and worrying about my sick grandmother.

So...anyone wanna sublease a house?

Poppy

Mucho thanx to BIL, theMan has a job for the next month. The only problem? It's 150 miles away from me and Boom. We miss him so. Thankfully I will get to see him on the weekends. So you know, it's kinda like he's in jail with congigal visits, yet he's bringing in a paycheck.

It's kinda romantic unless it's 2:00 a.m. and things are making noise out the window.

So I'm going to stay with my dad until I get can back in his arms. As much as it sucks that he's gone, I can't tell you how proud I am he's making this huge effort to get us back on top financially. His sexy quotient just keeps getting bigger.

So I'll be gone for a few days, but I'll be back with tons of pictures of Coen, BIL & SIS and my babycakes.

Guess what else? We get to babysit!!! If you can't use your cell phone Saturday it's because Coen's parents are calling us 200000 times a minute. Hee hee

Those things you say

“Anyway, retardation can be activated or exacerbated by outside forces such as marijuana, a license to drive or the Bible, but ultimately the responsibility for that shit lies with… Well, the retard who propagated it….”

He makes me pee when I laugh. So glad I found this blog again.

Abuse

My mother was hit last Sunday by her husband. So bad that she had purple and yellow bruises on her chin and neck. I’d go into the reason but not only is it so god damn stupid your mind would be blown, I’d fear that your entire head would pop off it’s shoulders. But the reason doesn’t matter. Her face was a mess because he hit her.

I wish I could say this was the first time, hell, I wish I could say it was the first time in her life, but it’s not. He’s pushed her before, but never left bruises on her face that I knew of. And if it wasn’t him it was another step-dad before him, before that her biological father.

But guess what….she went right back to him. Saying she wanted to work through this and she owed it to his daughter. Blah blah blah

2 days into “working through it” she makes excuses for him. Says he has never felt better, that their relationship has grown. All that motherfucker has had to do is get up and go to work. I bet he doesn’t even have to look at her bruises that he gave her because everytime I see her she has a ton of make-up on.

And if he does see her bruises, I can assure you he hasn't got on his knees to beg forgiveness. He hasn't cried and promised her the world. He hasn't done a god damn thing.

He doesn’t have to go to work and have all his co-workers look at him like a victim. He doesn’t have to face a counselor, his family, or a battered women’s group to ask for help. He doesn’t even have to explain himself to us or to his own daugther. Mom did all the work for him. All he has to do is go about his life like it never happened and hope we all forget enough to still talk to him occasionally. No one can tell what he did unless she is standing right next to him without all that foundation on. He’ll commit to couple’s counseling for as long as mom wants to put on the show and go about his business until the next ignorant reason pops up and he’ll do it again.

He never had to go to jail. He never had to face the music.

But he’s going to face the music with me and my sister. Because if there is one thing we are, we're some vengeful bitches.

I get to make his life as uncomfortable as motherfucking possible whenever I’m around. In fact, I’ll relish the task. I’ll think of ways to make that cocksucker squirm. Because if there is one thing that is a god damn dealbreaker in my world, it’s hitting a woman. And if there is something greater than hitting a woman, it’s hitting my mother or my sister or my best friend.

I will not stand for that bullshit, ever.

The last time I witnessed it I was too small to fight back. I was too little and too dependent on my mother to take a stand. All I could do was yell at my step-dad to stop, to take my sister to the basement so she wouldn’t be scared, and to sit in the car for hours on end in the heat while they "worked it out" so I wouldn’t have to go back in that house when she’d take him back over and over.

But I’m a lot stronger now. I’m a lot bigger and I’m a lot more brave and I don’t have to depend on my mother to take care of me any longer.

Fuck that.

I’ve never liked the phrase I’m about to write, but there just isn’t anything else that seems more fitting: It’s on bitch, it’s so on.

Smooching his fingers

Smooching his fingers
Originally uploaded by MizVoid.

I've put up a few more pictures of the Coen-ator from this weekend. Sis let me pretty much care for him most of the weekend and it was awesome. For some reason I really liked changing him. Made me feel like I was making him feel better. Although I'm tempted to think he likes having his diaper full. He sure filled it up every time a clean one touched his bum.

Brought back memories of Gracie being that small. They grow up too fast, don't they?

Choices

Fuck it. I’m tired of sugar coating it. Moving back to HomeTownVille has not been everything it’s cracked up to be. Let me start by listing the good things: it’s nice getting to see some of my BFF’s and being able to take care of my grandparents has been heart warming. It's been so much fun riding along on the open roads and going to all the festivals and such. But the boredom, the general sad looks on people’s faces and the lack of choices here is crushing our soul.

We are also becoming more and more in financial ruin. And one thing I don't want to be is poor and bored.

Ever since Day One I have tried to find a better job with better benefits seeing how my boss seriously fucked me on those when I was offered the job vs. what I got when I actually got here. theMan has been diligently looking as well. No one is biting and when they do, it’s for $8.00 an hour jobs. I have a degree and 9 years of experience and all I can get is being the stereotypical secretary here. I’m tired of feeling underqualified when I’m definitely not. Where did my self esteem go?

We tried a couple things to see if maybe we needed to change our view. I signed up for school to get my Bachelor’s Degree. I’m still going to finish it, but I must say that I considered telling them to shove it up their ass when I got my “Congratulations you’ve been accepted letter” accompanied by a “Why is Kitten Special” list that has clip art from a second grade teacher’s sticker collection. Made me doubt my decision to give these people $10,000 of my hard earned dollars.

We even tried to get pregnant this month, thinking that maybe that was the distraction we needed. Yes, I just called a baby a distraction. We wanted one anyways and were tired of waiting for the “perfect time.” Today I got my period and honestly, I wasn't that sad. I don’t think we’ll try again for a few more months.

The reasons we moved here were 1.) to buy a house. No job, no house. 2.) start a family. No money or insurance, no family starting. And 3.) be around family. Which would work if my family all acted like my sister's father's side. But it doesn't because my mom came to my house with bruises on her face last weekend from husband No. 5 and my bio-dad is still keeping his distance but reminding me that he wants to be a grandfather when I do see him.

Which again got me thinking....Why should I have to move back to him for him to be involved in his grandchildren's life? Haven't I made our relationship easier for him every fucking step of the way already?

I loved our life in Chicago. Not every part, but I'm starting to realize what we had there. And I miss it. I really do. I miss working for a company that treated you to fancy dinners at exotic restaurants. Because we aren't a couple that does that sort of thing on our own. And I miss working with a lot of people my age that I was friends with. I miss being proud of my town. I miss the dinner parties our friends had. I miss the shopping and the coffee shops. I hated the traffic and I hated the 100000 miles of cement and how everything was expensive. I hated the commute...

...but guess what else this town doesn't have? Coen.

I want to be in his life.

I'm glad we've given this a shot, but I'm starting to think I can't take it here any longer. I've got a crushing depression rising up in my chest that is slowly killing me, just to be properly dramatic.

I can't breathe sometimes. I can't sleep, I have gained a lot of weight, I spend time crying at work or in the shower where no one can see me. But I can't get help for it because my insurance sucks balls.

Something has gotta give.