Choices

Fuck it. I’m tired of sugar coating it. Moving back to HomeTownVille has not been everything it’s cracked up to be. Let me start by listing the good things: it’s nice getting to see some of my BFF’s and being able to take care of my grandparents has been heart warming. It's been so much fun riding along on the open roads and going to all the festivals and such. But the boredom, the general sad looks on people’s faces and the lack of choices here is crushing our soul.

We are also becoming more and more in financial ruin. And one thing I don't want to be is poor and bored.

Ever since Day One I have tried to find a better job with better benefits seeing how my boss seriously fucked me on those when I was offered the job vs. what I got when I actually got here. theMan has been diligently looking as well. No one is biting and when they do, it’s for $8.00 an hour jobs. I have a degree and 9 years of experience and all I can get is being the stereotypical secretary here. I’m tired of feeling underqualified when I’m definitely not. Where did my self esteem go?

We tried a couple things to see if maybe we needed to change our view. I signed up for school to get my Bachelor’s Degree. I’m still going to finish it, but I must say that I considered telling them to shove it up their ass when I got my “Congratulations you’ve been accepted letter” accompanied by a “Why is Kitten Special” list that has clip art from a second grade teacher’s sticker collection. Made me doubt my decision to give these people $10,000 of my hard earned dollars.

We even tried to get pregnant this month, thinking that maybe that was the distraction we needed. Yes, I just called a baby a distraction. We wanted one anyways and were tired of waiting for the “perfect time.” Today I got my period and honestly, I wasn't that sad. I don’t think we’ll try again for a few more months.

The reasons we moved here were 1.) to buy a house. No job, no house. 2.) start a family. No money or insurance, no family starting. And 3.) be around family. Which would work if my family all acted like my sister's father's side. But it doesn't because my mom came to my house with bruises on her face last weekend from husband No. 5 and my bio-dad is still keeping his distance but reminding me that he wants to be a grandfather when I do see him.

Which again got me thinking....Why should I have to move back to him for him to be involved in his grandchildren's life? Haven't I made our relationship easier for him every fucking step of the way already?

I loved our life in Chicago. Not every part, but I'm starting to realize what we had there. And I miss it. I really do. I miss working for a company that treated you to fancy dinners at exotic restaurants. Because we aren't a couple that does that sort of thing on our own. And I miss working with a lot of people my age that I was friends with. I miss being proud of my town. I miss the dinner parties our friends had. I miss the shopping and the coffee shops. I hated the traffic and I hated the 100000 miles of cement and how everything was expensive. I hated the commute...

...but guess what else this town doesn't have? Coen.

I want to be in his life.

I'm glad we've given this a shot, but I'm starting to think I can't take it here any longer. I've got a crushing depression rising up in my chest that is slowly killing me, just to be properly dramatic.

I can't breathe sometimes. I can't sleep, I have gained a lot of weight, I spend time crying at work or in the shower where no one can see me. But I can't get help for it because my insurance sucks balls.

Something has gotta give.