Hungover

Well gee, that's embarrassing. It takes a bottle of wine for me to completely melt down on here.

Let me explain. It's been a hard couple of months. I've kinda felt like I'm spiraling out of control. I feel a little lost. So when I got a call from my bio-dad last night to come have pizza with my uncle, aunt and him I said, "OK". I didn't want to be alone after the calling for my grandmother.

I get there and we start drinking the wine. Completely forgetting theMan isn't here as my DD. They start asking me how I'm doing, where we are working and well...the floodgates open. Especially after my dad tells me how sorry he is I had such a crappy childhood and that he was sorry. Those are words I waited 28 years for. So I got a little emotional. Especially after an evening of being introduced as his daughter (although one person asked if I was his wife.). I even cried in front of him and I swore I never ever would. (Gee, I'm starting to see I make messed up rules for myself.)

He reminds me that I'm very strong, like my grandmother and well, that's another thing I've waited on. Acknowledgment that he sees where I've placed myself. So more floodgates. My aunt and uncle chime in, 2 people I greatly respect (my uncle was the encouragement to go to night school and get my business degree in 2000) and before I know it I'm driving 12 miles per hour home so I don't get a DUI and sobbing so hard my dog is alarmed.

Then I blog. Ahem.

Today at the funeral the minister spoke about how tough my grandma was. How she did things when no other women were doing them. How she would never let us win at games unless we earned it. But how she was eternally proud of all of us. I just kept thinking, "Wow, I've spent all my life looking for where I fit in and now I realize my grandmother was more of an influence than I thought." I just kept thinking, "I hope to be like her."

This afternoon we all met back at my aunt's house to wind down and eventually open the presents Grandma had bought us but didn't get to see us open. It was very very hard. If there was one thing she loved it was Christmas. It's almost weirdly fitting she died during this month. It brought us together and the church was decorated in Christmas stuff. I saw my dad cry as we opened the gifts. It was very touching.

In one family I'm one of the cornerstones, in the other I'm in the back of the crowd on my tip-toes waiting for someone to notice me. It's a fucked up place to be, on top of everything else.

So I wig out. And honestly, I can't promise there won't be more crazy rambling blogging ... seeing how I have no job starting February 1st, no place to live and very little savings. But if there is one thing I'm very very very good at, it's making sure I'm okay. So yea, I'll be okay. Like my Grams, I'll just figure out a way.

And I'm starting to move to the front of the crowd and people, like my dad, are noticing. That helps.