Drunk Blogging Ver. 4.0

Oh just when you thoguth it was safe to let me have a bottle of wine and a blogger account. OH NO.....

I went to my grandmother's calling/showing tonight. Always felt weird about calling it a "showing." Anyways, I got there and tried to be distant. I hung out with my younger cousins, had some food, gave hugs, and stayed cheery. It didn't sadden me to see Grams in her coffin. I teared up only once. I got to say good-bye to her in a way before that. We spent a Sunday morning together looking thoruhg pictures and recalling memories of her childehood. The next weekend was Thanksgiving and my last memory of her alive was her walking ou t the door to go visit my grandfather's grave. I said to myself, "this is the last time I will see her alive." I just knew. I stared at her back until she disappeared.

So tonight after the calling I left my bio-dad a message that I had 3 bottles of wine, a serious depression and tim eto kill, if he didn't want to spend the night his mother died alone, he could call me. He called and I went over there and hung out for 4 hours with my uncle, his wife and my bio-dad. He told me my grams adored me and talked about me up until the day she died. That she was what held us together when he didn't know how to deal with our relatinoship. That he was sorry I got such a bad deal in life and that I never had it easy. Basically he was so sorry and he kept saying it, but that he would do anythjing for me now. Even let me live with him until I get my shit figured out.

Oh shit, now I'm bawling.

It's true, my grandmother would be the only one for many years that made me feel like i was apart of that family. She held me when Ii cried when my dad felt so far away. She understood when I couldn't stay at a family dinner. when I couldn't stop crying. She always wanted us to have as much fun as possible. I miss her so.

Even tonight I felt on the outsid.e So I downed half a bottle of wine and resigned myself that I would take caare of myself, make something of myself and live my life tothe fullest like she did.

I also leanred about my grandpa that had died in 90'. He was quiet about his life. The fact that he was in the car the night his brother died and how it almost destroyed him. But god he was such a good grandfather. Both of them just wanted the best for us. I want to make him proud, I always have. I've always wanted to make all of them proud.

But hey, I'm Kitten. I'm the dependable one, right? I never drive across town with a blood alcohol content well above .08. That's just not me! I'm perfect! I wouldn't get divorced or lose my job or not have perfect blonde children and a house in the country.

Surely it's the wine talking, right? Surely I can pick myself up off the floor one more time.

I think I'm going to go pass out face down in the covers until morning. This post has gone downhill fast.

Blah.