The Future of My Moods

Lately, and with some good reason but sometimes not, I've been pretty low. Moody and just want to be alone. I'm happy with the pregnancy, it's been relatively easy, and can't wait to start planning and see this little fella/gal, but I feel so distant in the here and now.

On top of being tired and big and round, I just exist. I'm so distracted at work, that when I used to be their brain, my bosses now have to remind me to check on things they asked me to do. Good thing I got the promotion the week I found out I was pregnant.

...And I'm horny as a motherfucker, except I've been on restricted activity so long "Stella hasn't got her groove back" yet, so to speak.

So it has me thinking about postpartum depression a little. I know how to take care of myself and ask for help now, thankfully, but still. I've never had to ask for help when I'm sleep-deprived, saggy and feeling unattractive and trying not to kill a newborn by forgetting to feed it or where I put it last.

Universe, just promise you will keep an eye on me.

Tired

Today was just one of those days. I was exhausted all day and completely pregnancy loopy. Got all the way down our 3 flights of stairs before thinking "um, did I lock the door?"

At work I had to figure out some expenses involving airline credits and change fees. Yea...might want to check those over again on Monday.

I think I'm going to bed. Night all.

Now my thyroid kicks in?

While I adore my doctor and she's so cute I just want ot squeeze her, plus she calls me back almost instantly with all my 10,000 questions, my doctor appointments have sorta been a little...um, what's the word: scattered.

I had to switch OB's at 8 weeks because my old practice split from all-in-one to OB and Gyn. Ever since I've been either told conflicting information, conflicting due dates, and to start medicine I was already on thus needing to convince them I knew what I had been putting in my va-jayge for the past 8 weeks, etc. Now I am awaiting genetic testing results and that got so bungled up that we missed the window to do the u/s for it, so they've apologized and will follow up in October with a whole new set of tests.

I politely declined any more genetic testing for now. Should have trusted my instincts on that anyways.

Now even my genetic counseling place, not associated with the OB office, is guilty of not sending me the results when they said they would. Sigh.

I feel like I have to remember everything so nothing is left out. And now I've reached my limit of no longer being able to cope with it nicely. In the past 24 hours I have had lengthy, but pleasant, discussions with my doctor and the doctor's assistant. I've relayed that I am the patient. They are providing me a service, a service that is VERY NEW TO ME. Yes, I'm willing to research and do whatever they tell me to do, but my god people, is my file written in Klingon? Let's keep it together on your end.

I think, to be fair, I got lost in the shuffle. I was one of the first patients transferred in the split of offices and for some reason one of them didn't communicate everything that had been done already. The new office is literally NEW. Just built and moved over August 1st. I have no idea how women switch doctors mid-pregnancy, but I hope to never do it again. My doc better just never f-ing retire.

When I first started this pregnancy business, I said I just didn't trust my body to just squat in a field somewhere. My body & I have never been close and it always throws me weird curveballs (hello!? Bursitis at age 26?? Goiter out-of-nowhere in my neck closing my windpipe?!) But now? Now I am definitely trusting my instincts a lot more.

So maybe all this is bringing me closer to that little place in me that steers me right.

To find some good in all this, other than my little gestating cupcake, I think I'm finding a balance. I know my doctors are doing everything they can to stay on top of my thyroid, my baby and my health, even when the paperwork gets a little shuffled. I've been checked for things that have caught deficiencies that could have resulted in a miscarriage if untreated. I've had more ultrasounds and doppler checks for heartbeats for no other reason than my sanity. On the other side, I am now trusting that feeling deep down that things are okay or not.

I think I just gotta hold on to this balance. I imagine it will come in handy in 6 months anyways. It's life man, shit ain't always easy.

P.S. Apparently my thyroid is now working too well and my endocrinologist is on the case for adjusting my medicine. Also, everyone medically trained thinks this pain I'm having (now a dull roar constantly) is from ligament strain, uterus growth, all bothering the cysts I have, and there is nothing to do but take it easy and drink LOTS of water. Whew.

Can't sleep again

4:34 a.m. and I can't sleep. Thankfully it's not because I'm in a lot of pain, that has moved to a very low almost non-existent roar now. I just woke up wide awake at 3:00 and haven't been to sleep yet.

Not even my new boyfriend, the body pillow can lull me back in. I need to start keeping good magazines around for these nights.

As promised

I got glasses today! Woo hoo!

Pain

Ever since Thursday's appointment I can't stop thinking about those 2 little punches and that little face. However, Friday morning around 3:00 a.m. I didn't have any other choice but to focus on it constantly. I've been in pretty awful pain in my left ovary region since then. I know somewhere deep inside me, the baby is fine, but man am I uncomfortable.

I even called the after hours line at my OB office last night. She told me it sounded like gas or GI issues, but something tells me it's one of those cysts acting up. Whatever it is, she said it should be gone by today. It's slightly less, an 8 instead of a 9 on the pain scale, but it's still pretty fucking there.

Monday morning, if god forbid this pain is still present, I'm calling the doctor's office directly. I have an appointment anyways next week but I can't take this too many more days. I can't even lay on my left side and I have to sit down a lot.

I feel like such a high-maintenance patient, but I swear I'm not a worrier, it's just that stuff keeps coming up. Like my body is really upset with me about this baby, but the baby says "Fuck you, I'm staying." However, apparently the baby also doesn't want me to have sex yet. Since I've been off restricted activity one day. Ha!

Ugh, wish me luck. Right now I'm going to a party to eat cake and try to talk through the pain.

P.S. OH, and I got glasses today! Will post pics later tonight. I haven't had glasses since 2001!

14 Weeks Appointment

I guess all the genetic stuff is NEXT week so I have to come back in for that in about a week. Also, I'm 14 weeks instead of 13 weeks now. So due date is back to 3/7/08 and I'm officially in my 2nd trimester. Personally, I think they are just using my last period instead of all that baby measuring I did early on, but oh well. It's not an exact science anyways.

I also couldn't pee for the first time in 3 1/2 months so I didn't leave a sample. Even though I kept sending theMan out to refill my water cups. I lost 3 lbs. (no idea how) and my blood pressure was fine.

Now on to the cute stuff...

The baby is HUGE. Well, okay the size of a fist, but STILL. Way bigger than the blob we saw last time. It looked like a baby! It's back was to us, head down, (also, placenta in back) and little spine all prsent. And in those few anxious seconds of finding a heartbeat it pumped its fist in the air a couple times like "Go Momma!" or "Stop bothering me". Then I saw the heartbeat.

SO neat to see it move and actually look like a person!! It's little face and skinny arms. theMan was WIDE eyed too. I didn't get to take any pics home sadly, but next week I hopefully will.

She asked me about feeling ligament pains, that I probably will soon, and when I told her I felt very round this week she said it was completely normal. I'm also off restricted activity (boom chicka wow wow) and they weren't going to check the "internal bleed" if the heartbeat was there, which it was. So yay!

Also, got my thyroid checked, but won't know that for awhile. Also, in 6 weeks we find out what it is.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH

Eat, Pray, Love

I realize I'm a wee late on the bandwagon for the Eat Pray Love book craze and all, at least according to the ladies on my train. You see, I spot trends from how many ladies on the train are reading a particular book, carrying their lunch in a little boutique's shopping bag, or wearing a particular shirt or shoe style. And about 3 months ago, the train was a buzzing with this book.

Not only due to the ladies on my train, but I had heard it was about her journey through Italy. A country I have a giant school girl crush on. A place we were going to travel to until the bambino came around (good compromise, of course but still...I'll go one day. Bambino might just have to pay for its own wedding.) Anyhizzle, I've been trying to check out Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love" from the library for months, but it's always unavailable. Finally my girlfriend Heather finished it and sent it my way. And since I am sick of pregnancy manuals and the likes, I wanted to read something for my head and my heart, instead of my uterus.

Now I'm never giving it back. (Heather, love you, but no.)

It did go to show that my dearest Heather and I think quite a bit alike. Every time I went to dog-ear a page, she had already done so. So much that as soon as I saw one of hers on the horizon I couldn't wait to read what she felt was so important. Then, after reading, I'd reread because yep, what a great page that was.

Because I'm shit at book reviews, just do me a favor. If you feel a little nudge at the back of your heart for spirituality and how to make it work with everything you've ever been taught, or if you are in a relationship you aren't sure if you should stay in, if you feel like you aren't really living your life or taking control of yourself....pick it up.

Some gems:

"You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be."

"Because the world is so corrupted, unstable, unfair, one should trust only what one can experience with one's senses, and this makes the senses stronger...in a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted."

"...people universally think of happiness as a troke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather ifyou're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it....It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."

I said day-um!!

This shiz is off the chain, yo.

My belly is sorta fascinating to me, I admit. I pick clothes that show it off to maximum levels and constantly stare down at it. I mean, it's just....round-ish and potrudish and eeep. I love it.

Besides not wearing anything but maternity pants, my other big introduction into pregnancy is my feet. I can't wear heels anymore. They shoot pains up my legs instantly, when I used to get by with pointy thin-heeled shoes all day at work. So I went and splurged and grabbed 3 pairs of flats today. (All on sale of course, geeez)

But bonus, the nausea and cramping and feeling like I'm going to start my period is gone. I even get full faster, so I figure something is cramping my stomach in there. The heartburn is still present and apples make me want to puke. But I feel like I'm at that stage where you'd forget you were pregnant if you could just see your crotch while standing up and looking down.

Nutrition though....eh, sorta not doing that great on eating well. I take my vitamins and I try to get a couple fruits and veggies a day, but honestly, I feel like having turkey sandwiches and chocolate constantly. Eh, I suppose it should get used to its mother early.

Mother....wow.

Okay

Sorry for the rant. I'm okay. In fact, better than okay. We had an emergency doc. appointment just to make me feel better and to check the heartbeat since I was experiencing a lot of "stuff" down in the "region" after stopping the hormones.

Turns out, it's still at 150-ish strong and instantly we both sighed a sigh of relief.

We are pretty attached to this little nugget. If you couldn't tell?

God damn it

Why? What about my biological father makes me waste more tears on him than anyone else, yet he cares the least about my tears? Why does he get to me, even when he barely talks to me? Why do I still need him in my life?

I sit here when I need to be in bed because I have to get up early for genetic testing, bawling my eyes out for no reason other than I can't stop thinking about a snide email from him over a week ago. I asked him if he knew when our holiday dinners would be with the family so I could attend. That's it. Just a date, an olive branch, a hand I reached out again.

He writes back some self-pitying bullshit about him hating the holidays, not sure when the parties will be but it will probably be inconvenient for me, etc. When really, all I fucking wanted was for him to say "Sweet, I don't know but look forward to seeing you."

I get it, his mother died last January. My grandmother, the only reason I'm even in his life. She died, after living a very long life but the last few years riddled with Parkinson's and horrible pain. His last living parent is gone. I am sure that is tough, I cannot imagine. And I get that he might not want to celebrate the holidays since she's gone, but seriously. Is he lacking the sensitivity gene somewhere that is necessary to just put that in writing gently?

Everyone else in that family is awesome. Big, loud, loving, embracing, laughing people that always welcome me. The one man that pretty much just had to act as sperm donor and send me $25.00 checks occasionally can't even throw me a fucking bone. A little fake smile and a "not sure, will get back to you." THAT would have been a fine response.

If there is one thing I learned from over a year of therapy it is that you cannot control other people's reactions and how they treat you, but you can control how you let it effect you.

I admit it. I can't control how he gets to me. I can't write him off and I can't blow off his selfishness. I'm too strong willed, opinionated, something. Every word he says to me, or writes, I analyze, even when I know I shouldn't.

And having a father in his place that treats me like a princess just makes it that much more sad.

He left such a hole that I keep trying to fit him in. I think it's time to get a new puzzle piece.

I also think this baby is a girl and I'll be god damned if I'm passing on this bullshit to her.