God damn it

Why? What about my biological father makes me waste more tears on him than anyone else, yet he cares the least about my tears? Why does he get to me, even when he barely talks to me? Why do I still need him in my life?

I sit here when I need to be in bed because I have to get up early for genetic testing, bawling my eyes out for no reason other than I can't stop thinking about a snide email from him over a week ago. I asked him if he knew when our holiday dinners would be with the family so I could attend. That's it. Just a date, an olive branch, a hand I reached out again.

He writes back some self-pitying bullshit about him hating the holidays, not sure when the parties will be but it will probably be inconvenient for me, etc. When really, all I fucking wanted was for him to say "Sweet, I don't know but look forward to seeing you."

I get it, his mother died last January. My grandmother, the only reason I'm even in his life. She died, after living a very long life but the last few years riddled with Parkinson's and horrible pain. His last living parent is gone. I am sure that is tough, I cannot imagine. And I get that he might not want to celebrate the holidays since she's gone, but seriously. Is he lacking the sensitivity gene somewhere that is necessary to just put that in writing gently?

Everyone else in that family is awesome. Big, loud, loving, embracing, laughing people that always welcome me. The one man that pretty much just had to act as sperm donor and send me $25.00 checks occasionally can't even throw me a fucking bone. A little fake smile and a "not sure, will get back to you." THAT would have been a fine response.

If there is one thing I learned from over a year of therapy it is that you cannot control other people's reactions and how they treat you, but you can control how you let it effect you.

I admit it. I can't control how he gets to me. I can't write him off and I can't blow off his selfishness. I'm too strong willed, opinionated, something. Every word he says to me, or writes, I analyze, even when I know I shouldn't.

And having a father in his place that treats me like a princess just makes it that much more sad.

He left such a hole that I keep trying to fit him in. I think it's time to get a new puzzle piece.

I also think this baby is a girl and I'll be god damned if I'm passing on this bullshit to her.