Boys, please turn away now

I've decided to make a few lists. One will be things no one told me that I wish I knew when I was pregnant and the other, things that weren't really a big deal that I thought would be.

So here goes....First, things no one told me that I wish I would have known:

(Ladies, you like to keep secrets don't you?)

1.) You might not think about your period much while pregnant, even though that sounded like a major selling point before. You won't realize how annoying it really is and when it comes back....holy shit. You may go to the doctor to make sure you aren't hemmoraging like someone is in there making the stabbing. Maybe you really had twins and one stayed in to puncture your lady bits with an ice pick. An ultrasound will confirm no twin is still in there.

1.2.) It will be weird to have an ultrasound and see no baby.

2.) You may feel inadequate to the depths of your being but on some level deep inside, you won't.

3.) Breastfeeding is fucking hard. It's hard, it's confidence shattering, and demoralizing but eventually will be totally awesome. And cheaper than formula.

4.) Day 4 after birth, you will cry a thousand tears.

5.) The nurses really aren't judging you, no matter what you think.

6.) There are not enough pillows in the world to accommodate your pillow needs in the hospital, either during birth or after.

7.) If they won't let you walk around during contractions because of that fucking heart monitor, lie and tell them you have to pee. A lot. Get up to pee and then sit on the toilet and enjoy the feeling of not being in bed. I did this, multiple times.

8.) Every molecule in your body will jump the second your baby makes any sound, even if you are dead asleep.

9.) The first time you look at yourself in the mirror after giving birth you will want to cry.

10.) "Apron" is not a nice word anymore. (see No. 9 above)

11.) I have no mental capacity for things I used to handle efficiently. Like talking coherently. Zero.

12.) Post-pardem depression is no shit. I finally summed up my feelings and it was “indifferent.” That is how I felt to the world outside my little newborn. Indifferent about my marriage, my friends, my family, my bills, my health, my appearance, my life. I couldn’t care because I didn’t have the room too anymore. After 3 months I’m finally over that hump, but I get it now. I get it. Treat all new mothers with very delicate hands and give them their space. Please.

13.) I will need my husband more than any other time in my life. Birth, hospital room, baby care at home, general day to day.

And now...things that weren't really a big deal that I thought would be:

1.) The epidural. Seriously, not a big deal to get. I admit, immediately after I wondered if I could have waited, but if you already made the decision to get one, it isn't scary. If you are wondering if you should, that's your call and not what I'm discussing.

2.) Taking care of my baby. Really. It's pretty routine and easy, tiring sure, but nothing crazy and out of the ordinary. She poops, sleeps, eats, burps and needs clothed. Really no big whoop! (And thank god.)

3.) C-section scar. Wow, after ALL that I went through, WHO CARES. Hell, who can see it under my new jelly belly.

4.) Returning to work. Now, mind you, I’m 100% sure this is because my husband is staying home with her. So this might only apply to me. But so far I’ve loved getting dressed up, wearing make–up, having conversations and doing my job in general.

5.) Wearing a bathing suit. Good sweet god, who gives a shit. Sure, I don’t really love my new figure but after all that…by the time I get my fat ass to a pool with my baby I’m just there to enjoy myself. 20’s…I do not miss thee.

6.) Contractions. Even a day later I realized that nothing, NOTHING was as bad as recovering from a c-section. Contractions, schmactions…bring it on.

I’m sure this isn’t complete, but 3 months later I’m finally able to compartmentalize a little bit. The whole experience has been absolutely life changing. There are no words. My daughter means the entire world to me, yet at the same time it makes me more certain of my individuality and my place as a woman.

Basically, mothering is no shit.

3 Month Milestone

Whew. There, that was me giving a sigh of relief. I had several very smart women tell me that the 3 month mark was a major milestone in feeling 100% better and they were right. It was like I woke up on Father's Day a new person. I asked for what I needed from my husband, my girl started cooing and almost giggling, and I finally found my groove.

I even got a sweet raise and awesome review at work, further letting me know that the plan I busted my ass to make work, is working splendidly. And let me just reiterate that point. I CHOSE to go back to work because I knew, even before that positive pregnancy test, that would be what was best for my family. So I created a budget and we stuck to it to make it happen, all the while my husband was building his photography business. And guess what? That girl with all the big ideas and no fetus yet was right. Me working is my saviour, my sanity. I miss my girl like crazy and if she was going to daycare I would lose my mind, but she's with her dad. Her dad that likes staying home with her, who researches the best way to make tummy time valuable, a dad that I always wished I had growing up (even though I did in other ways with my pops, Jim.)

So I still have my days. My marriage is okay, but we are talking and compromising and working on it, I think. My weight is embarrassing to me, but I'm trying to give myself a break for a little bit. I feel guilty because though I work all day away from Addie, I still need 15 minutes to myself when I get home.

But it's improving and I feel like I have a plan.

And my little girl is sleeping next to me with one of her fat little leg sticking out of the covers, just like me when I sleep. Life is good and now I can see it.

3 Weeks In...

3 weeks back to work and well, it's fine. It's absolutely perfectly and eerily fine.

I haven't cried once. I haven't felt guilty other than feeling guilty I don't feel guilty. I miss her like all hell on Mondays after weekends of getting back into her routine, but I'm good. Although today after she woke up all happy and cooing, I am feeling the sting more. I enjoy my commute (uninterrupted reading, welcome back brain!), theMan is making great dinners while I get to enjoy her as soon as we walk in the door, I'm actually applying make-up and wearing cute clothes to work daily. The only thing I feel guilty about is I have zero time or energy to exercise like I did on maternity leave so I know my scale is going to laugh at me and strain under the pressure of my girth.

But seriously, fuck the scale.

I get home, change my clothes, feed her and then we start what I like to call "the cuddle." We sing, dance, read books, take a bath, get a massage (her not me) and then rock until she falls asleep. It could be falling asleep in bed together, or in my arms walking around the living room, or like last night, in the chair by the window with the Once soundtrack going. I love "the cuddle." And it doesn't even bother me she's out by 8:00 p.m. most nights since I rarely put her down until I go to bed at 10.

But I've changed. I've had a few people mention this to me. I'm different. No one can put their finger on it and I sure as hell can't, but I am different in my core. Things that I used to be able to push aside, bother the shit out of me. Yet, little injustices I used to blow up about? Eh. I hate to say I have less tolerance, but maybe that it's just been redefined. I don't laugh as easy, I know that. That bothers me the most. I look at old pictures of me and think "I don't think I'm her anymore." I have thoughts I don't like to admit. Thoughts like I'm not loving her enough because I'm not freaking out about her well-being or that I still need time to myself even after working all day. Or that I'm trapped in this new life, even though it's not like I don't want to be.

Yet on the same day I'll start fantisizing about getting pregnant again to get her a sister to play with. Really. I want to do this all over again because she's just so great and even though I'm a psychopath, I know I'm really good at raising kids.

Sigh.

She's the easiest, most loving kid I've known. She sleeps through the night, only starting to get fidgety (not fussy) around 3:30 a.m. She loves sleep so much she can't be bothered to fully wake up at night, she just likes us to know she could, if she so chose. She eats like a champ, is gaining weight, smiles, coos, does tummy time, makes awesome poop faces, belchs like a frat boy and calms down when I hold her. She is everything I always wanted. More so.

Now I just gotta figure out how to be everything she always needed.