More tales from 4:00 a.m.

I don't think ever in my life have I seen this much of 4:00 a.m. Especially sober and wide awake for no reason. I'd be really good at being a party girl minus the back ache and sobriety.

But hey, while I'm up I might as well update this little space of mine. I've wanted to discuss something for a long time now, but it feels odd or jinx-y to do it. Basically, I have to admit something that maybe other mothers have gone through, but I don't know.

I wanted this baby to happen, the entire time, hell for years, but I still don't feel like I've let my guard down that it actually will. I force myself to play out delivery in my head. When we go to stores or restaurants I try to imagine what it will be like with a new addition. But it still feels really surreal to me to sit at our baby shower, to have people rub my belly, to overhear my husband telling coworkers I wear pregnancy well (god, that earned him Husband of the Year, even though I had to remember he was talking about me), to fold tiny little clothes...

My protective mind is not letting me just be all "soft focus." Let me state this however: Even though my scared and protective mind won't let me be one of those ladies that just goes ahead and envisions her daughter's wedding day, my heart has already increased in size despite it. I love her and call her our daughter and talk to her, but the only thing helping me to let that place in the back of my mind to relax is reading books on how to care for newborns. It's like those books are saying "she's already here."

I cannot read maternity books any longer. Too much unknown. Logistics of feeding and bathing, that I can do. It's like my love of putting together Ikea furniture and filling out my calendar is equating to our girl and how I can comfort myself that everything is going to be okay with this kid.

Basically, I have completely given up on the "Pregnancy Week by Week" book for the "How Does Her Poop Look?" series. Is this normally what ladies do?

Maybe I'm done with pregnancy? Pregnancy has absolutely agreed with me, I mean...I love having her with me all the time, I wear clothes to show off my belly as much as possible, the bigger it looks, the better. I don't even stress out about my body changing so much or the new pink stretchmarks or the weight gain. And the aches and pains I do have, well, they just seem like "duh, you are making a human." We've even already talked about baby no. 2. for god sake!

Maybe I'm just reaching that point where I'm really really really excited to meet her. To take care of her. I know I absolutely cannot wait for my life to change, to slow down and alternatively speed up at the same moment. To know she's out here okay. I haven't done any planning of our lives after March, not even our budget (and I'm anal retentive about our budget) or trips, etc. I just can't. It's new territory.

Two big milestones making it harder to be so flighty though was the 20 week ultrasound where we saw exactly what she looks like (if she were to be born in x-ray) and feeling her move. Move is sorta the wrong word. This kid doesn't just move; she punches and jabs and kicks her daddy in the head every morning.

Maybe she's trying to convince me she's fine after all. And god dang it, she's apart of this family, mom's weirdo guarded mind or not.