Check the box for OTHER

For awhile now I have really loved the part of me that doesn’t fit in to any group, at least in the last couple of years. Every attempt I tried in my early 20’s and teens to completely fit into one particular mold ended horribly or was very uncomfortable eventually. I did the all black wearing-industrial music phase until I grew tedious with the clothing options and embraced my love of color, the acoustic guitar and cheesy love songs. I did the sell-everything-I-own and study-the-bible-religiously phase until even I couldn’t stand to listen to myself and my narrow-mindedness. I hung out with the sluts with big hair that liked the boys with muscle cars until I bagged one and well, proved the reason that sometimes those boys drive those muscle cars for a reason (i.e. what I like to call “Hummer Dick” based on my assumption that men that drive Hummers usually have very small junk or don’t know how to use it).

It just never worked. I don’t have a religion, I don’t have a type of friend (in fact I love that they are all totally different). I don’t belong to any ethnic group as I come from Irish/Welsh/Scottish/German/axe-wielding great-great-great grandmothers. Far as I know, we IWSGAXEs don’t have our own parade or section of town.

I don’t have a particular way of dressing other than if it’s cheaper than $20.00. I’m not 100% gay/straight, republican/democrat, punk/pop, non-fiction/fiction, drunk/sober, hell I’m not even 100% blonde/brunette. Which hey! Great! I think that means I can adapt to most situations and people and I’m fairly easy-going and up for anything, right?

The downside to that however, is lately becoming more apparent. I feel the reason I get these waves of sadness over me and my anxiety about “what I’m doing with my life!” is because I have no center. No anchor. Nowhere to rest and say, “I can come back to here. This is who I am.” No set of rules to conform too, which might be the real reason that people find religion or bond with their own group of people, etc. in the first place. I like the freedom of all these choices, but I’m paralyzed with all the options.

When I was in therapy I begged my doctor to tell me what to do. “Just tell me how I’m supposed to feel and live and I’ll do it. I need a rule book!” Clever girl that she was never would and I know why, there isn’t one.

As I'm leaving my 20's and in typical emo fashion, I’ve been taking inventory of myself. I think I’ll share that with you all and see what happens.

My truth that I know so far:
1.) I am 29 years old and I am not afraid to turn 30. I am excited.
2.) I live in Chicago and it feels more like home than any other place.
3.) With every period I’m so afraid that I won’t be able to have children b/c of some unknown illness and/or waiting too long for my husband to be ready, but I’m nervous to start letting myself want them because I fear how my life will change.
4.) I’m disgusted that I’ve not been outside the United States and horrified I might die without ever doing it.
5.) After almost 10 years of looking, I finally love my job.
6.) I want time to freeze right now so I don’t lose anyone else I love.
7.) I swear like a sailor and I sorta love that about myself.
8.) I will stand up for my loved ones and what I believe is right, always and loudly.
9.) I lose hope easily.
10.) I want to be okay with all of this.