Therapy Session Again-LONG

Things my therapist said today that make me smile: She said I have my emotional shit figured out. (Her exact words) That I have an epiphany every single visit. That I am on the right path. That I am going through a lot of emotional searching and doing an excellent job.

Awwww.

I told her about this line I read in “Osho on Zen” a couple of days a go. It said when someone asks you what you do for a living you shouldn’t answer: “I’m a doctor.” You should say “I make my living as a doctor” because being a doctor is not who you are. I noticed that I put a lot of stock in my titles. But whenever anyone asks me that question I say, “I am just a secretary.” I’m not proud of it. So we regressed a little and thought about my career path which got me thinking about a world of things.

I noticed I applied to schools because of the name and respect of the institution even though I didn’t want to really go to them. I now think about going to school again for certain fields even though none of them are art related which is probably what I should be doing, but for the way it would sound to have the title, “Kitten, the teacher or “Kitten the Chef.” Sure it would be fun, but the how it would sound to tell someone what I do is definitely a factor.

She told me to look at myself and my past compassionately this time though, instead of regret. So we went back in time a little and talked about the situation surrounding my decision to go to college. It was kinda fucked up, now that I play it all out again. My mom had reacted very negatively when I told them I wanted to go to art school. She even started crying and left the room. I felt like I had just told them I wanted to eat shit on video for a living. So I went to college for what she suggested instead, something that would make me money. There was a lot of pressure to have my life figured out by the time I left home basically.

So I started college in a panic to find a husband (I’d just broken up with a long term boyfriend), I became a Christian recently and remember lots of pressure about that, I gained a lot of weight my Senior year of high school so I wasn’t feeling physically good, I was the first generation to really go to college in our tight family group and I wasn’t going to school for something I wanted. She said I was not being supported in the right ways really and it was a HUGE time for me in my life. I definitely remember thinking something was wrong with me if I didn’t have it all figured out right away and I remember feeling very anxious.

Which leads me to my “Bad Girl” glasses: I have a knack for seeing only what I am not in situations. I didn’t see my coked out roommate in college, all I saw was my 2 friends that knew exactly what they wanted to do with their life. Even though they probably came from totally different family structures, etc. I thought: they know what they want to do, what is wrong with me. Now that I remember though, they had families that not only weren’t divorced but supported them a lot. I told her I could be at a convention for the morbidly obese and still only see the skinny girl giving out name tags.

So basically I have been taking care of myself, I’ve just always felt shame or guilt about my decisions when I have. I have made good decisions. I don’t let people completely walk on me. But in the future, think about the things I went through with compassion. Like I broke up with a boyfriend that would have led me to have 3 kids by now. Or I went to college so I didn’t have to work in a factory. It was nice to actually think back without regret.

But what to do about the future? She said, do the slide rule for my life. Set relationship goals, set career goals, set timelines. Think of it in a controlled manner in a way. What I want to happen. Hmmmm, I like that.