Decisions

It's 5:23 a.m. (go figure, right?) and I've been tossing and turning since 2:00 a.m. It's been like this all week in fact. I keep thinking that I made the wrong decision, that it's not going to work out and that I got suckered. The job I took from the 2 available turns out to be not as great as promised. I'm not over the department I thought because I took over for someone who was quitting so I am doing their job with no end in sight. The pay sucks, but I knew that going into it. The insurance is awful and doesn't start for 3 months, which I also knew going into it but the short term policy they said would cover my prescriptions for my thyroid problem doesn't. In fact, his response was "Oh, they don't cover that." Even though I asked him at least 3 times to check while I was making my decision.

So now I have 2 bumps under my skin on the back of my neck that have popped up and pregnancy is no where in the future because we can't afford it. The whole reason to move down here in the first fucking place.

The money I was promised up front? I got $200 of it so far and that was after I asked twice. The job that they promised theMan, well he doesn't have anything for him to do right now so he's scrambling around now too.

We have about $20 to our name until my next paycheck, and I'm scared to think if it will even cover our car payment. Let alone if our cell phone will be turned off this week.

Had the second job been offered at the the pay I wanted, I still would have been broke so I'm trying not to dwell on that too much. We wouldn't have had a place to live. I know I did what I had to do for our family at the time, but I'm very stressed out right now. I feel like I've taken a backwards step in my career and the babies will have to be put on hold which was the fucking point of all this.

God damn it.

So my options are: 1.) look for another job that I can tolerate and hope my boss doesn't kick me out of this house we're renting off him. 2.) Pray that theMan finds a job with great pay and benefits so I can just quit after the baby comes and then I'll just stay home (which sounds more and more appealing everyday) or 3.) stick it out until I get licensed in the fall (I hope they are still going to make good on that promise) and relocate again to wherever a new job would be.

To add to that we found a really cute house to buy which is almost the same amount of rent we are paying now. It's just in a shitty location and the rooms are small. However, I keep thinking it's the right thing to do (if we could even get a loan) so we can at least have some resemblance of a normal life, that and not be paying a mortgage when we are 70.

Chicago had run its course. Don't get me wrong. It's not the town I'm freaking out about because that has been the one saving grace. I've seen a lot of my family and friends over the past 2 weeks. So much that we haven't even hardly been home.

I'm just scared and I feel very alone at 5:00 a.m. with our worries.