One ticket to Crazytown please

***ANOTHER LONG THERAPY APPOINTMENT RECAP AHEAD***

Mmmm, therapy. I told Dr. H. that I was going to use my appointment as a chance to sleep today. She laughed and agreed to tuck me in. I love her.

Today's topic was a surprising one. It ended up being all about my relationship with my sister. I told her that Sis is coming for a visit, but this time it seemed a little weird because 1.) Sis is dating a friend of mine and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it and 2.) I don't want to feel like a mother figure to her anymore. Basically, I want our relationship to change just a little, in a positive way. Because she is a very important part of my life.

Some interesting (to me) points she made that I hadn't thought about:
1.) My sister always got what she wanted, mostly. One of the things I love about her is she gets what she wants, she's effective. She would get expensive clothes, college paid for, her car paid for, bailed out of jail. When I would mostly be afraid or whatever to ask for money from our parents. Not always, but mostly. Dr. H. asked me why? I hadn't thought about why.

I always chalked it up to me thinking we didn't have a lot of money for things, but I guess if Sis was getting them, then we did have enough. Dr. H. seems to think I thought I wasn't worth it, that it should be spent on Sis more than me because of reasons X Y Z. Hmmmm.

2.) I also told her that when Sis was all fucked up on drugs and almost everyone in her life was in denial about it, I felt I had to take all the awareness for it or there would be no hope. Like I was protecting the truth of it. I didn't realize what a burden that was for me until Dr. H pointed it out. It was a burden, but one I put on myself. The lowest point in my life was the weekend I "rescued her" and she ended up leaving again to get high. I cried to the point where no more tears would come, I felt like I had been drug behind a car. And that pain is still very real sometimes.

3.) The part of me not being totally sure with Sis dating a friend is because there aren't any boundaries (I swear, that word is my next tattoo) and I need them, big time. Especially how it was handled when she was here last time. She suggested I ask the parties involved for what I want and see how they react.

So when I got back to the office I called Sis and told her what I needed from this upcoming visit and she told me what she wanted and it was all set. That easy. Damn. Dr. H. also thought that since I'm very busy right now and I have to use my time wisely, it will be good practice to set boundaries and get what I need from people because I don't have time for just, well, waiting around or people pleasing.

The real gem of info from the whole session: there are no perfect relationships, there are no perfect solutions because there are 2 parties involved every time. It's all about truth and telling each other what you need and can handle.

A-fucking-men.