Dr. & Mrs. Happiness

So how big of a diamond should I buy Dr. Happiness when I ask her to marry me? 2 carat?

It’s amazing how on the train before an appointment I think to myself: “I don’t really have much to tell her today.” and “I’m going to take my appointments down to once a month.” I try to plan out what I’m going to say.....nope. I get in there and the floodgates open.

She was happy I’m trying to control my depression and even eating habits with my new “diet.” And that I’m doing it right by looking at it as a process instead of a goal. i.e. to lose 10 lbs., etc. Not to mention the health effects I will get from eating nutritional foods.

She also made me understand my habit of if I tell myself I’m going to do something I never do it. I guess that doesn’t give me options and makes me rebel against myself. Especially with weight loss and dieting because I never really do that just “for myself.”

Secondly, we talked about me feeling like I had 2 personalities and trying to find a balance. The one side that I enjoy where I’m strong, independent and sorta tough and the other that I push down that needs things emotionally and is vunerable and I always look at as weak. She gave me some meditation and writing techniques to work through that. She made the observation that when you’re trying to balance a scale it goes back and forth a little until it becomes still and balanced. Good call Dr.!

I also found it interesting that by telling myself I don’t want to do what my family has done, I’ve done the complete opposite which isn’t always right. Yikes. And that my mother's ability not to be able to handle her emotions is not for me to deal with. That was nice to hear. I take on a lot of my family's and friend's problems, especially my mom.

Basically I need to make myself feel it’s valid to have the feelings I do. Amen to that.

We also talked about my job choices. I’ve got a few opportunities in the mix that I’m considering. I told her how I initially wanted to go into college for photography and was made to feel it was very wrong and unsmart to make that choice. I didn’t realize how much that changed my life path, I guess. So I went for computers, which I hated and dropped out. And did what I thought the balance would be which is get a business degree so I can make enough money do to art on the side. But I can’t tell you how happy it makes me when I’m doing things “creative” or how I almost need it or I start to feel anxious. So maybe I should take a job that lets me do those things on a regular basis. (Yes, I realize I should know this, but it’s different when someone else is helping you figure this shit out like a math problem. It all becomes clear.) So we’ll see. She agrees that my current job is abusive and not healthy and even if I take another job for a few months, it’s about what I need more than anything.

Interestingly enough I was stopped by a guy on the way out of the building. Turns out he works for a recruiting agency. He took me upstairs and let me meet the Vice President and she gave me her card. I’m suppose to send her my resume today and call her. I think he may have been hitting on me, only because he kept commenting on my smile and my face and walked me back to my office until I saw and waved to theMan and told him that was my husband. Then he said, “Okay, well, uh....don’t forget to send a resume” and hurried off. But hey! I’m not above flashing a little smile at someone to put my resume at the top of the pile. You gotta start somewhere.

Om.