Desayuno means breakfast

First things first, sorry for the lack of updates on my pictures. I will resume shortly!

Secondly, the visit with my sister is going wonderful! I feel validated for my quirks and silliness and love of gangsta rap, because she does too. More so than me. And don't ya love someone that can share an "inside joke"? We've had nights filled with movies, chai lattes, collored greens, weird acid trip movies and even a little shopping. I never want her to leave.

Thirdly, after 2 weeks, I finally made it back to my doctor’s office. Oh, Dr. Happiness, how I missed thee. Lately I was feeling like the Mayor of Crazytown (thanks Lemony Snickett movie for that one), but she did point out at least I have a position of power as the Mayor in Crazytown, it’s not like I’m just a lower level official. Bless her.

First things first: I need to do some self guided imagery for myself. The words “re-parent” came up several times too. I didn’t realize it but the fact that even my conception was negative and unwanted might have a lot to do with my feelings now. Not to mention the years and years of trying to feel wanted with my bio-dad, etc. When I was conceived/born I’ve learned it was possibly used to as a manipulative tool by my mother to get my dad to stay and not go to college. She almost got an abortion, I was suppose to be retarded, etc. Then there is that whole anti-christ thing, but I’m not going there now. So no expectations when I was born and that can shape a person, I suppose.

She said I need to try to “reparent” myself by spending time thinking about what my life would be like if I had parents who wanted me at birth, had hopes for me to become what I’ve always wanted to do, etc. A more supportive network of people in my life basically. Basically because I will not be able to change them but my needs aren’t getting met either.

I told her that at any time she felt like she wanted to just slap me and tell me what I need to do, feel free. She found it interesting that by me wanting someone to just tell me what to do because that’s how I’ve lived my life. With people putting their opinions on me i.e. college, work, etc. So it’s only natural to feel that way. People not trusting my decisions for my life or not being supportive. Which leads me to my next task.....

I also need to trust my gut but take stock in how I feel when I make decisions for myself. I don’t trust my own decisions. So she said when I want to make a decision look at what emotion is behind it. Anger, sadness, excitement, etc.

Take stock every day, 5 things that made me feel good/peaceful and 5 things that were draining. She said I have a lot of negative thoughts about myself which I need to take stock of. And one way of taking stock is by WRITING IT DOWN! Hello blogging!

I always feel better after a session with her. But today I feel like I’ve got a challenge ahead of me too. A big one.