Smash the Control Images

A funny thing happened on the way to the OB/GYN with my sister, you see, I stopped being so controlling over my life. Well, let me explain. In the first few days of Sis’s pregnancy and marriage at the court house I had NUMEROUS fights with my mother. Mostly because I felt she was being insensitive to me by calling me several times a day and saying things that I won’t repeat here for fear of someone else thinking it’s a good idea to say them to people when they are wanting to get pregnant, but turns out their younger sister gets to go first.

One of the things she did say which I will repeat was that she feels like I hold the fact that I went to college and waited to have kids over the people in my family that didn’t make those choices. She said that I’m too black and white with how I want to live. Yea, I was FURIOUS to say the least.

I know where she thinks that but I also know most of that isn’t true. We’ve had arguments over the past couple months about how we want to raise our kids versus how she wants to raise our kids, I know that is part of it. Plus I think she’s more jealous of how much Sis depends on me instead of her. However, she was also mad so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and not take everything to heart. It did get me thinking though.

I may be black and white about things but this is how I’ve thought I have had to live so the things in life I do want to happen will happen. I don’t believe in luck in that way. I don’t think things are going to be handed to me. Maybe it has to do with lack of self worth, or maybe it’s that I vowed to make it on my own to prove it to my bio-dad. Whatever.

A few days after our big blow out though I started thinking. I don’t agree that I hold things over people or brag about going to college (except I brag about my haircuts, but hey) but I do try to control the things in my life too much sometimes. Even though I thought I was grey, I might just be too black and white. EEEEEP

Does this mean I should cancel my membership to “Liberals for a Better Democracy” and get my “I’m a Conservative so Baby Killers are Assholes and Tax the Poor” card? Nah. I’m just that way with myself it seems.

For instance, we are trying to figure out where to live next year so we can start having kids and implement some other changes we want. I have sent out my resumes, etc. to various places we are interested in and since I hit “send” on those emails I have been worrying about it every single day.

Now my situation might be different since I am going to be the breadwinner for our family for a long time, but what the fuck do I think I am going to accomplish by worrying about it? You can’t control other people’s reactions, right?

Another area, the kids thing. I’m not in competition with Sis for kids so I don’t think of it that way. Sure I’m jealous that I can’t be there too but I’m not jealous of the choices she has to make right now. I’m certainly not jealous of the non-stop puking every day. Quite honestly, her situation doesn’t affect my uterus whatsoever. So why should it change our plans or make our children any less special?

It doesn’t, quite simply.

There isn’t a kid bank in the sky and if someone gets there before you, too bad. The only thing it changes in my world is that I might not get to host a healthy Thanksgiving dinner for the family like planned (damn you bacon wrapped ham and beans…I’ll get you yet!) because I’ll be helping her push, I’ll have a cool brother-in-law and the cutest niece/nephew for the rest of my life. Those are not bad things to have.

So here’s the new Kitten...trying to let life happen a little more. However, I will continue to tell everyone how much better I have it because I drove 35 miles a night for 2 years to get a degree so I can walk over glass to get helpless rich people files...yea...let me start bragging now.