Sunday night melancholy

Some things just lose all meaning and importance when there are people that you care about who are hurting. People that you care about so much that you can feel it taking over a part of your soul when you think about what they mean to you. It's, fittingly enough, Breast Cancer Awareness Month this month. I also heard it's Mental Health Awareness Month, which is also incredibly fitting. I feel like we're all going crazy and all that's holding it together is each other quite honestly.

These girls, as well as the rest of my friends and family, they mean my life to me. There is nothing that makes me more happy than my friends and family within a hug's reach, a phone call away or at the receiving end of a string of emails during the day. And right now some of them are going through some heavy shit. Shit that makes me not even able to comprehend what it would be like to be going through it. To think about these people that I hold so dear in so much fear and pain and unsettled crapiness...I can't process it. I tried to read Jen's post about her prognosis and I couldn't finish it. I kept scanning for the good news or the "oh, it's not that bad" part. It never came.

I know this isn't about me, but all I can tell you about is what I'm going through. I feel helpless. I feel like there isn't anything I can do to fix this. I know just being her friend and taking care of her and her family is what she really needs, but I just want to go in there and make it better. Same with E. and what she's going through. I try my hardest not to say all the "this is God's plan" blah blah blah and I know I do what she needs me to do but still. I want to fix it. I sorta feel like I just watched my house explode and I can't do anything but go to sleep in delusion on the sidewalk and expect to wake up to find it's back there. It won't ever be back there. It'll have to be a new house, right?

Since Matt died I've given up on worrying about my career and money and my future for a bit. Thankfully, like most ways in my life, my job has fallen into place and I don't have to worry about it anymore. Maybe it was the right time for a job that I don't hate to come along. Sure I think about it, but what I really want to work on right now is my relationships. My family, my friends who are my family and my marriage.

I've been having trouble relaxing lately. I find I'm always running here and there, I can't just sit and be still. theMan said this to me the other day. Last night I finally made myself pass out at 10:00 p.m. because I was so restless. I just have this sense of time slipping away now. So much to do, etc.

Honestly I haven't given a ton of thought about my surgery coming up. I feel selfish even worrying about it even though I know I have the right. I have bloodwork tomorrow morning at 2 separate spots. I meet with my surgeon again Friday to get the scoop on what happens when you ride on a single thyroid cylinder. I suppose I should be pissed that no one noticed this sooner since I had it tested twice over the past 3 years. I hope it hasn't done irreperable damage, but I guess I've just adopted my "fuck it" attitude. I just want to be well enough to travel the following weekend. There is a certain pudgy monkey that needs some Aunt Kitten time so her momma can rest.

God damn it. I love these girls, I love all my friends and family so much it completely swallows me. I cannot take anymore loss. Times like these makes my "shit happens" spirituality really uncomforting. So whoever is pulling the "shit" switch up in the big blue sky, how about you take a fucking coffee break for a few years, eh?