Hail damage butt

Last night I watched a movie I used to love when I was younger: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. A classic and great campy fun, but the real thing that surprised me was reading her bio in the special features section.

Turns out she was burned head to toe, even her eyes were fused shut, when she was little because she dumped a pot of boiling water on her head on accident. It takes 2 hours to cover her body with costume and make-up for her role as Elvira. The cool part is that now she loves her scars and wears low-cut dresses to show them off.

The second thing that grabbed me was her love of her gi-normous tits. She said she got them like overnight and flaunted them ever since. She loved them and used them to flirt, etc. almost like a hobby. They made her feel like a sex goddess.

That made me sorta sad. You see, I used to have HUGE knockers, probably size E or above (who knows, they don't make bras that big easily accessible to 15 year olds) but I got them whacked off my senior year of high school with some extremely painful plastic surgery. I never liked mine, ever. I never felt like a sex goddess, just fat, fat, fat. I felt like I stuck out and tried to hide them every chance I got.

However, knowing what I know now and being way more confident with my sexuality, I miss those big ol' suckers every once in awhile. Doesn't it suck that you can't see the good in your qualities, even when someone else points them out?

I think back now and I was pretty hot during those times I felt like a lard ass. I mean, I filled out immediately in middle school. Some people wait until they're 25 to look like a "woman" and I did when I was 13: hips, ass, boobs and all. The boys I'd make out with went right for those gazungas every chance they got, hell I even had a boyfriend that photographed them once (of course my face was hidden in the picture). So someone was appreciating them I guess. But all I saw was that I didn't look like my 110 lb. sister and I couldn't wear pretty bras.

People say if they had life to do over they wouldn't. I would, some parts, in an instant.

Don't get me wrong, I love being able to wear a Medium shirt and see my belly button. Maybe it's that I don't necessarily miss having them but I miss feeling okay about them, I miss that I didn't enjoy them.

This past year I've really been thinking about all the times I've felt bad about myself. Which for me, has been the majority of my life. Why? You only get one body, right? One brain. Why can't we love it? At least embrace it. Low self esteem puts you in some really shitty situations: Bad relationships, bad jobs, bad friendships, none of it good.

I've also been picking up on how people in my life make me feel bad about who I am. That's been eye-opening to say the least. Sometimes I say something, most times I don't. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle that one.

I have friends who I think are gorgeous but they don't see it. I have one pal who has one of the sexiest figures I've seen, plus she models, but still thinks she's fat and puts herself through hell trying to "correct" it. I have another who has the best ass I've seen on a woman and she loathes it. I'm sure they'd say the same thing about me and one of my qualities and of course, I wouldn't believe it either.

I could go into society, blah blah blah, but really this post is just a rant. I've been thinking about it lately, so why not just write it down and share it with you people. Whether it makes sense or not. Does this self relization normally happen to people in their 20's or am I just finally getting comfy in my own skin?

I was thinking about it on the train this morning, your 20's are a fucked up time.