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It's amazing how easy it is for me (and probably theMan) to blame each other for all our problems and stress. Do you guys do that too? Take it out on the ones you love?

This weekend I didn't let my mind stray once to anyone other than myself and my man. Well, I did say the occasional silent prayer for the T's but that's a daily ritual. My point though, it was instantly relaxing. I turned my cell phone off all weekend (hell we didn't even have service in the woods anyways) and we just wrapped ourselves up in each other. No raised voices, we took care of each other and I could feel my appreciation for him and vice versa slipping back. Plus, the fact that we could walk around naked all weekend....yum.

Then 30 minutes outside of Chicago on our way back, the phone starts ringing: Wedding details, death in the family, family drama, etc.

I'm so grateful for my big family and how they all count on me. I really am. I love surrounding myself in the middle of all them. They all bring me immense joy. But being gone this weekend and outside of it, it made it really easy to see another side of all of our lovely mess from a different perspective.

I think I know why lately I've felt like dropping off the planet.

I've been a girl that takes on people's pain and problems and worries about it for them. It makes me a great listener for my buds, but some problems make me twisted up on the inside. Thankfully, through therapy, I've gotten better. However, it was starting to build up again and then it gets taken out on theMan and myself. We were being hammered on all sides lately.

For all my talk about not worrying if I'm fat or being a certain size and girl power...blah blah blah, I am starting to get really low self esteem again. It even makes me cry lately to look in the mirror. I suppose the difference now is that I can catch it before it spirals. It still ain't pretty though. I solved that by going to the gym this morning and eating very well all weekend. I think everything was just getting that bad that it started to creep into my self esteem.

I also know we won't be living with any roommates again after this lease is up. In fact, I am quite confident that we are going to start looking for 1.) land to build on or 2.) a house in the boonies so we can set Operation Start Our 30's Gracefully into motion. Only until this weekend did I see the extra benefit of having a place of our own. (i.e. the nakedness)

We can escape at a place of our own. Shouldn't your house and your relationship with your spouse be an escape, something to come home too, like a vacation when things get nuts? I think that is what we have been missing. An escape.

So anyways...this long blathering post was just me figuring some stuff out on paper. Stuff like:
1.) I am in love with my husband and we need to sit down and put our relationship first because when we do it does wonders almost instantly. No more auto-pilot for long periods of time.

2.) We need a place of our own and preferably have it look like the set design to House of 1000 Corpses without the corpses. We decided this weekend to call our farm: Damp Towel Ranch. Now, to get the ranch part.

3.) I need to look at my health again as a way to stay mentally fit, emotionally fit and physically fit so I can deal with my highs and lows in the future. I deserve it.

4.) I need to get the fuck out of this angry town. I miss the politeness of smallville.

If you read all the way through this, thanx. It's been an introspective weekend to say the least.