Nice shot man

Filters was the topic today at therapy. For instance: someone tells you this sentence: “I like your shirt.” You hear based on past experiences, you emotional state, etc.: “I like that shirt. I didn’t like the shirt you had on yesterday. Why don’t you wear this shirt more often? You look like crap usually, but thanks for making an effort today at least.”

That is a filter. Not my particular grade of filter, but you get the extreme example hopefully. We examined some things that have made me feel a particular way, usually negative, and broke down what was said and what I heard, as well as what I needed to hear. Very very interesting.

Try it for yourself though. It’s like the telephone game. The next time someone tells you something, analyze what they actually said and what you heard.

I also discussed my expectations of myself. When something is said or done I want to be able to know right away how to process it. Talk about perfectionist....She used the metaphor of myself is currently like the flesh under a band-aid. It needs a little time to heal the rawness. I can’t just pull it off and get back to dirty work.

One of my filters is feeling like I should be competant enough to care for others and myself without expecting it from others at all. I get a lot of shame and guilt from that, which I find disconcerting. Thankfully, there is a thing called compassion for oneself. Amen. But she said I need to understand it's a slow process of picking apart that filter, so unrealistic expectations aren't helpful. However, she worded it much less judgemental. My god, the woman has a knack for being tender.

I do place unreasonable expectations on myself at times, but mostly internally. I want to be “normal” or my version of normal right now and all the time. I want to handle things healthily every single moment. A bit unrealistic, eh?

I also find it a little foreign to expect certain needs to be met by people. Like that’s wrong to want things for yourself in return, even though you give them what they need. We project our needs on to others, that’s how we work. Why does that seem weak to me? It’s all about give and take.

I did tell her that I realize I compare myself to others entirely too much. Just because you’re thin or get compliments from your husband or have a healthy relationship with your mother, doesn’t mean that person might not have bodies stacked up in their basement. It’s sooo pointless to compare, isn’t it?

So basically a mish-mash of topics today. You know, she feels very comfortable to be around at this point. I tell her things no one knows about me. She's a friend I pay, but still a very objective, non-partisan friend who will listen to you for an hour straight and never ever judge. The beautiful part, it's totally selfish. I don't have to give her anything or fill any of her needs. That feels incredible.