Lacking

I'm in a weird mind state right now and I'm going to just pour it out here for people to read. Why not?

I got a call last night from a Director that I really want to work with. I feel like I screwed it up because I sorta rambled on my return voicemail to him. (Note to self: Get to the point.) I've been anxious about it all night. I have other projects lined up and I don't know if I could work on his anyways, but he would be a hell of a contact. Plus, I really liked him when he worked on Jen K.'s film, he was a blast.

So the whole time last night I'm not even giving myself credit for showing up with 3 hours notice and dressing a set with only props available in a small prop department and rigging up animated tails and art work on the walls. No, I’m just thinking how much of a dork I sounded on that voicemail.

What the hell?

What's weird about my mind state is that besides being my own worst critic, I'm happy. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. Like completely and it feels a bit foreign. I feel as if someone cut into me a bright light would shoot out and a rainbow would be projected into the sky like the bat signal. Yes, that gay. Dancing animals in a musical, gay.

But damn if my lack of confidence thing doesn't kick me in the ass. I get nervous and hyper and can't take compliments well. I got all spastic working with one director Sunday that I was jittery and knocked over a cactus. (Note to self #2: Don't try to catch a cactus that's falling. It hurts.) It's like I forget how to talk to people or I hold them higher than me.

Who gives a shit man. They are no better than me. We all have our talents. (Maybe I should put that on a shirt or something.)

It's strange what I'm noticing about my confidence. For instance, I've had several people call me since the shoot or even on set and tell me they loved my work and that they want to work with me again. I instantly feel like saying: "Oh, it wasn't me. Let me give you _____'s name and number." If what I want so bad is for people to notice me, then I should be able to take a compliment, right?

My doctor helped me see and accept that I need to be doing something creative on a regular basis in my life and that's it's perfectly fine not to be Ms. Stable and Responsible, even if my family doesn't get it. So I found it and I am absolutely ecstatic, but I'm looking forward to my self confidence catching up to the gay rainbow innards. It’s way past time.