To Do List

(Note: It's 3:00 a.m. because I can't sleep, so bear with me on this post.)

Nothing like a mini-road trip alone to clear your head. I've made some decisions and like all good high school counselors told me, you have to write down your goals to accomplish them.

For the past 5 months we have been trying to have a child. But wait, let's go back before that. Earlier this year we were miserable. We were living in HomeTownVille and it was not working out. I hated my job, theMan was unemployed, our house was a glorified trailer, and we were dirt poor with no future. Towards the end of our stay there theMan was working in Chicago while I was back home alone. I had two beloved grandparents pass away within a month of each other during that time. It was a very very hard 6 months. I'm not sure we've completely recovered as I have this fear I can't let go of that we'll be forced to relive it again.

Thankfully and finally we were able to move back to Chicago quite painlessly. Everything fell into place. The best part was that we were beginning to pay off all of our bills.

So we (mostly me) thought that it would finally be a good time to have a kid. We've been together 11 years and we were working on being completely debt free. So we tried, or at least didn't prevent it if you get my drift. The more the months went by, for every time those awful cramps kicked in, I'd allow myself a few tears and an "Oh well, next month." But in the last few months under the initial sadness was some relief. I stopped being sad. I've finally admitted that to myself.

The closer we become to being debt free the closer I am to being able to travel like I've wanted. To do some projects worry-free. To take some road trips. To focus on something else...namely myself. In short, to be selfish, to do some things for me and theMan alone. I'm absolutely giddy with the possibilities before us.

This weekend I drove to Indiana alone. The bad part being I hit a guy's truck with my car, but the good part is I had many hours of uninterrupted time to think. And I came out of this weekend clear-headed. So I'll just say it: I want to go to Italy. I want to buy ridiculously priced shoes. I want to decide at 3:00 p.m. on a Tuesday that I'm meeting my friends for wine until 2:00 a.m. I want to pick guitar playing back up after years of telling myself we don't have the money for lessons. I want to buy a house and completely design it as I've dreamed. I want to go dancing, a lot. I want to eat more French food. I want to buy a new camera and focus more on photography. I want to be gloriously self-indulgent.

So I've decided I am not going to try to have children right now (and theMan agrees). We will revisit the decision in 2009.

I have some other plans and I've decided to plan them out by season instead of "new year resolutions." So please indulge my new selfish attitude...and oh how I hope Maggie gets her wish because that would be so helpful!

Totally selfish things to accomplish in Winter/Spring 2008:
1.) Find someone off Craig's list to give me guitar lessons.
2.) Take road trip to Nashville with co-workers (by April).
3.) Learn to sew a skirt and make 2 by Spring.
4.) Book flights for Italy for traveling Spring 2009.
5.) Volunteer at adoption agency.
6.) Take dance lessons.

I've always wanted to be a mother but I've also wanted to live my life without regrets. I must say, I'm very excited about 2008.