Vagina Economics

As I stated around the first of the year, we’re using this year to get ready to have the babies. The great “Get My Uterus in Check during 2005” is in full swing. I’ve been to the doctor and given the “should be fine, but try to lose weight” speech. I’ve been trying to eat decently by going vegetarian, eating mostly organic and cutting out as much alcohol, drugs and caffeine as possible, except tea, well and I guess chocolate and the occasional cup of coffee. So not really, but hey...no soda or high fructrose corn syrup!! Weeee! My thyroid levels have also mellowed out although I’m still on a monthly blood check for awhile to be sure. The last stand is that I’ve started charting my temperature to track ovulation and well…checking something else that has the most disgusting name ever.

Okay, for the boy readers and my brothers and family members out there reading…sorry. We’re about to go a little gross. In fact, I’m about to utter the words: cervical mucous.

Bear with me...the temperature thing tells you where you are in your cycle. It lets you know when to expect your period, if you are ovulating regularly, if you have a long enough period to fertilize an egg should you want too, when to have sex and when not to have sex (if you use this method as birth control). It’s not 100% accurate but it’s an easy way to see if on a base level all the pipes are working on my end. Most sites recommend tracking it for a year to get a good idea how your pipes are functioning. So I should have a good deal of charting done if we start trying next spring. All I have to do is get up at the same time every day, throw a special thermometer in my mouth for 60 seconds, try not to move or talk and go about my business once it beeps.

This all gives me plenty of time to know my lower region and be totally ready when the time comes to knock me the hell up.

theMan already knows his lower region. In fact, he tells me he spends quality time with it daily so I’m pretty sure they are already best of friends. Me, well, I don’t think about it too much except when it’s making me curl up in the fetal position and shove fistfuls of Vicodin down my throat once every month. Other than that, I tend to just keep it trimmed and hope for the best while living in ignorance.

As I warned a few paragraphs ago along with charting your temperature, you are also supposed to check your cervical mucous. Here comes the gross science!

This icky stuff actually comes in handy, and you want as much of it as possible, and not only for lubing you up for those long bouts of crotch abuse you freaky readers like to give yourself. Apparently, the vagina is a very hostile place for sperm. During most of the cycle it forms a thick plug that prevents sperm from entering the uterus. Preceding the time of ovulation the mucous increases in volume, becomes thinner and more stretchy. In the middle of a woman's cycle cervical mucous provides a reservoir for sperm, thus assisting in fertilization. It serves a purpose even though it could be named “slug juice” and sound more appealing.

Now checking and tracking your mucous is not really any more intrusive than taking a glance at your undies on occasion. That’s easy enough. Not like I gotta shove a fist up there or something. It's just kinda weird to actually write it down daily. Maybe I should rename our plan the "Great Panty Check of 2005".

There’s our plan. By next February I hope to be implanted and fertilized and all manner of scientific names that don’t sound all that warm and fuzzy but will lead to a tiny little sweet smelling mini-Us that I swear I won’t name “Cervical Mucous” but I might use the initials as a tribute to my hard working girl bits.